I do it anyway.

I had found a kind of serenity, a new maturity...
I didn't feel better or stronger than anyone else but it seemed no longer important
whether everyone loved me or not - more important now was for me to love them.
Feeling that way turns your whole life around; living becomes the act of giving.
-Beverly Sills


Anyway

Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building

something from nothing.

One storm can come and blow it all away...

Build it anyway.

You can chase a dream

that seems so out of reach.

And you know if might not ever come your way...

Dream it anyway.

This world's gone crazy

and it's hard to believe 

that tomorrow will be better than today...

Believe it anyway.

You can love someone with all your heart

for all the right reasons,

and in a moment they can chose to walk away...

Love them anyway.

God is great,

but sometimes life ain't good.

And when I pray

it doesn't always turn out like I think it should,

but I do it anyway.

I do it anyway.

You can pour your soul out singing

a song you believe in

that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang...

Sing it anyway.

Yeah, sing it anyway.

I sing.

I dream.

I love.

Anyway.

( Listen )

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give;
not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7

Fear not to do good...
for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap;
therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
 D&C 6:33

Cast not away therefore your confidence, for it hath great recompense of reward.
Hebrews 10:35

*recompense: make amends; compensation or restitution given for loss or harm suffered or effort made

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
D&C 6:6

Sunday Sense(s): Valuable

(Random internet photo....)

Visibility does not equate to value. 

- Howard W. Hunter

I went to church in Harlem, in New York City today.  It was a good day, full of messages that felt particularly addressed to me.  I have struggled recently (and have struggled many times in the past) with finding the value in myself.  It sometimes seems as if my character - my strengths, and traits, and goals, and personality - is not in accordance with what the world sees as valuable, and I have often felt like I am inadequate, or not good enough, or big enough, or amazing enough, or visible enough, or....really....just 'enough'.

Today I heard a story that was shared by Elder M. Russell Ballard in Conference this last May.  While it was originally included in a talk on the joys of service, it struck me in a very different and personal way.....

There is a world of uncertainty, complexity, and confusion. The demands of everyday life can wear us down. How can we free ourselves from this tangled web of challenges and uncertainties to find peace of mind and happiness?

Oftentimes we are like the young merchant from Boston, who in 1849, as the story goes, was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush.  He sold all of his possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them.

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty. His only reward was a growing pile of rocks.  Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit until one day an old, experienced prospector said to him, "That's quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy."

The young man replied, "There's no gold here. I'm going back home."

Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, "Oh, there is gold all right.  You just have to know where to find it."  He picked two rocks up in his hands and crashed them together.  One of the rocks split open, revealing several flecks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

Noticing the bulging leather pouch fastened to the prospector's waist, the young man said, "I'm looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks."

The old prospector extended his pouch toward the young man, who looked inside, expecting to see several large nuggets.  He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold.

The old prospector said, "Son, it seems to me you are so busy looking for large nuggets that you're missing filling your pouch with these precious flecks  of gold.  The patient accumulation of these little flecks has brought me great wealth."

Elder Ballard compares our perspective to that of the miner, but today I felt more like the gold.  I have misspent a great deal of time and energy believing that in order to be valuable - and to be valued by others - I need to be a large 'nugget' of gold.  Those nuggets are are big and easy to find.  They instantly stand out and draw our attention for their obvious size and luster -

But, I am not a nugget.

Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me: but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass, and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. 

- Alma 37: 6

I am a million tiny gold flecks, bulging the seams of my leather pouch.

Those tiny little flecks are often missed and over-looked.  I even brush them aside myself, ashamed of their seeming insignificance - but, for what they lack in size, they more than make up for in number. They may not be the biggest, or the best, or the most obvious, but when placed on a scale the combined weight of all those tiny little flecks adds up.  They have unique and beautiful qualities that shine brightly and can be divided and shared in a thousand different ways - sometimes in ways that one large and heavy nugget cannot.  They don't fit the expectations of  "nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them" - but they are just as precious, only in a different way.  There is value in being visible and obvious, but - I am learning - there is also value in the quiet and subtle strengths of the heart.

(Hymn from Sacrament today...)

School thy feelings, O my brother,

train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

but let wisdom's voice control.

School thy feelings, there is power

in the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason's tower,

makes the clearest wisdom blind.

Noblest minds have finest feelings;

quivering strings a breath can move;

and the gospel's sweet revealings

tune them with the key of love.

Hearts so sensitively molded

strongly fortified should be,

trained to firmness and enfolded 

in a calm tranquility.

That is what I value and strive for, and who I'm naturally inclined to be.   I see the beauty and desire in having a mind so loving and in tune with gospel feeling that something as subtle as "a breath can move" it, and a heart so sensitive yet strong that it can be a calm and safe haven to all who know it.  I may not be the life of the party, but I can be a fountain of life for those around me.  Wisdom, prudence, patience, temperance, diligence, soberness, meekness, humility, brotherly kindness, charity, knowledge, and understanding are all Godly traits that we are admonished to develop. They are qualities that can bring us joyful fulfillment if we understand and cultivate them - a peaceful heart can feel joy, excite happiness in others, and carry a cheerful countenance just as well as a boisterous one.

But godliness with contentment is great gain.

- 1 Timothy 6:6

I am not a nugget....and, I'm okay with that! I am made up of thousands of tiny golden flecks, each reflecting the light off their multiple facets into a shining brilliance. Innumerable and ever growing 'small and simple' glimmers of celestial light, all gathered into a well worn, but useful and familiar leather pouch. That pouch and its contents are meaningful, powerful, and valuable  - just the way they are.

Sunday Sense(s)

Photo by Ken Brown, 2006, www.ldschurchtemples.com

Yesterday I went to the Manhattan, NY temple. It is right in downtown New York City, surrounded by taxis, people, pollution, and noise; but inside it is clean, quiet, and peaceful.  I love going to the temple. It's something I've recently rediscovered the value in doing.  Often, I find myself not wanting to leave; to trade the calm, peaceful tranquility I find within its rooms for the chaotic and noisy confusion in the world outside. Yesterday, however, as I was enjoying its quiet atmosphere and studying its intricate architecture, I had a wonderfully clear moment of realization:

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?...for the temple of God is Holy, which temple ye are. 

- 1 Cor 3:16-17

I have been seeking refuge in the safe and sheltering walls of temples a lot, mostly because I enjoy the stillness and peace of heart I find while there. As much as I wish it, living in the temple 24/7 is not possible - we have to go out and live our lives, face our trials, and find our joys; but, we can carry the tranquil feelings we find within the temple out into the world with us.

Temples are sacred and holy spaces, places where god dwells and comforts and teaches us. They are pure, and clean, and magnificently constructed. So are we. We are sacred and holy vessels, bodies united with spirits carrying beautifully crafted hearts in which the spirit of God can dwell and comfort and teach us. While the troubles of the world rage around (and sometimes on or within) us, our hearts can always be in tune with God - quiet, full of peace and hope, anchors and safe refuges in times of hardship or sorrow.

Yesterday I walked out those sacred doors and into the busy streets of Manhattan, knowing that I am a holy temple, the spirit of God dwelling peacefully deep within me.

I love these kinds of realizations - thoughts, epiphanies, questions, and moments of instruction and understanding.  They enlighten my mind and fill my soul with a happiness and desire to share the joy I've just found. I've had a lot of these moments lately, but not many moments to share them. So, I've decided to start a new series within my blog entitled Sunday Sense(s) - 'Sunday' because they will be written and posted weekly on Sunday; and 'Sense(s)' because...well...it's about the way things makes sense to me, through all of my senses. :)

For those of you who (like me) would like a more literal dictionary definition of my grammatical formulation, here you go:

Sense: a reasonable or comprehensible rationale; a sane and realistic attitude to situations and problems; a keen intuitive awareness of or sensitivity to the presence or importance of something; a feeling that something is the case; 
(s): faculties by which the body perceives an external stimulus, such as sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch; 

You're going to get a double dose of sensory overload today, as I've had a lot to say in this introductory piece, and I've written my first series experience post already! (To be posted immediately following this one.)  What can I say- it's been a stimulating few weeks for me...

Here are a few recently epiphanied concepts I want to share.  I don't have time - or space - to expand upon them now, but plan to in future posts:

Hope is all encompassing, but not all consuming. It is the motivating force which drives our souls forward into progression.

Faith is not simply believing in a power. Faith is power - a power we (everyone) already have within us. 

Patience is not waiting. Patience is control - of our souls, our bodies, our desires, our hopes, and the power of faith.

And now to end with a song, because I love music, I love to share it, and this song has been the summary soundtrack to my heart the last few days. (Listen to the song here.)

When You Believe

Many nights we've prayed

with no proof anyone could hear.

In our hearts a hopeful song

we barely understood.

Now we are not afraid,

although we know there's much to fear.

We were moving mountains long

before we knew we could.

In this time of fear,

when prayer so often proved in vain;

Hope seemed like the summer birds

too swiftly flown away.

And now I'm standing here

with heart so full I can't explain.

Seeking faith and speaking words

I never thought I'd say.

They [miracles] don't always happen when you ask,

and it's easy to give in to your fears.

But when you're blinded by your pain,

can't see your way straight through the rain,

A small but still resilient voice

says hope is very near...

There can be miracles when you believe,

though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

Who knows what miracles you can achieve,

when you believe.

Somehow you will,

you will when you believe.

Now you will.

You will when you believe.

Fascination

Childhood is the world of miracle or of magic:

it is as if creation rose luminously out of the night, 

all new and fresh and astonishing.

-Eugene Ionesco

This is my new little sister Kuralai.

Her eyes are inquisitive, and deep, and steady.

Her mind is alive, and quick, and hungry.

Her fingers are busy and her voice is active.

She is made of, and constantly seeks, all that is new and fresh and astonishing.
(And her hair always sticks straight up.)

I am fascinated by her...

Celestial Flame

I feel it.

 This exquisite and piercing energy pulsating from the core of my being and into my heart...

reaching, longing, yearning to expand and live through my hands, my fingers, my lips, my voice...

I am staggered by the immense weight of it all; 

its vivid and overpowering strength, its invisible yet tangible current, its ambient and explicit illumination,

its longing for life....

It overwhelms me. 

I apprehensively welcome its unexpected and familiar manifestation - 

for while I tremble underneath its empyrean expectations, 

I ache for and thrive under its motivating presence.

I long to embrace it as I am encompassed by it - this divinely driven desire 

to create.

It grows and swells, straining the tender walls of my heart, beating so quickly as to render my breath and my voice useless.

 I want to scream, or run, or dance, or dive, or sing, or laugh, or spin, or fly, or fall.  

I want to draw, or paint, or sculpt into perfection the deep emotions that live and multiply inside the  hidden recesses of my soul... to touch, mold, feel, and use my body to connect my eternal self with the elements of this mortal world.  

I want to photograph and capture every beautiful moment, element, color, line, shape, and texture 

that can reflect its natural light into my lens. 

I want my apron dusted with flour, and my hands stained with the vibrant crimson red 

of exquisitely ripe pomegranate.  

I want to infuse, and flavor, and season, and smell, and blend, and bake, and arrange 

every herb, every spice, every grain, every kind.  

I want to sew the softest silk, the lightest cotton, the warmest wool.  

I want to design the most flattering dress, embroider the coziest quilt, 

make the most satisfying meal.  

I want to reproduce the look, feel, and taste of my inner core's love; 

create tangible touchable things to please, and edify, and succor. 

To inspire, and motivate, and invigorate.  

To bring new joy and sustain old happiness.  

To connect. To merge. To simplify.

I want my creations to give comfort, elicit joy, envelop with pure delight, 

and be desirable and delicious to the taste. 

I want them to invoke memory and inspire action.  

I want to think of something completely new. 

Reinvigorate something old.  

Mend something broken. 

Move something stuck.

 Improve something stunted. 

Find something lost. 

Reunite something torn apart. 

Perpetuate something good.

I long to create more creation - to bring enduring eternal souls into this world - to nurture infinite creativity, love, hope, and joy.

It hurts sometimes - this longing to create; 

this inability to fully achieve and accurately express the glowing embers that smolder within. 

But the desire still burns;

patience gently and prudently blows light into the coals,

and the reward of perseverant fruition is sweet.

And I suppose that's what an eternity is really for -

 endless opportunities to fan this celestial flame.

Creature Contact

I am not a wild-(or domestic animal)-life photographer.

But, every once in a while creatures like to cross my - and my camera's - path.

Here are a few I've recently come into contact with....

This is Jasmine

(aka Jazzy)

She's a Savannah - a cross breed between a wild African serval and a domestic cat.

She has beautiful markings, is amazingly long and lean, and likes to spring several feet in the air to catch butterflies and birds.  She is also very affectionate and loves to lounge in my lap when I visit.

There are two horses that live in the field behind my mother's house.

I tried bribing them with carrots and apples, but they just stared uninterestedly and went back to rooting grasses from the snow.

This calf lives in the field on the other side of my mother's property.

He came to the fence, 'moo'ed, and stared at me every morning when I left the house.

This is Steve

(yes, I've named him)

He is a Mexican Milk Snake and we met one quiet and humid morning in my father's backyard in Montgomery, TX.

We were sitting on the steps of the back patio when he decided to crawl up to us from the newly excavated/planted flower beds.  Milk snakes (harmless) mimic Coral snakes (venemous fellow snake eaters) so as to scare away potential enemies.  Years of National Geographic and Discovery Channel etched a little rhyme into my brain for telling the difference:

"Red and yellow kill a fellow, red and black venom lack."

There are several variations of the phrase, but this rhyming wisdom alone wasn't enough to convince my dad to let me pick him up.

Steve decided to pay us a second visit after initially disappearing down a hole in the grass.  I went outside to get something I'd left behind and found him sunning himself on the back patio.

Having teamed up with Google to finally convince my father Steve wasn't going to kill me, I went to pick him up.  He went to slither away and dad decided to help by trying to stop him with a giant push broom.

Steve didn't appreciate this too much and he got a little defensive...

...and tired.

So I decided to give Steve a break and just take his picture instead.

Thanks Steve!

Meet Brutus and Claudia

- two Green Anole (aka the American Chameleon)

Some Anole facts relevant to my story:

1 - It's mating season.

2 - While anole change color to blend into their environment they also do it to express emotion. Green is a normal, happy, healthy color. Dark brown is an expression of extreme distress.

3 - Males bob their heads and display large red throat flaps during courtship. If females are receptive they will bow their heads. If not, they will run away. 

4 - Males are very aggressive. Sometimes they don't get the hint and will chase the females.

I first noticed Claudia outside the kitchen window.  Then, when we went to take a closer look, Brutus pounced out of nowhere!

We weren't sure what was going on - at first we thought Brutus was trying to eat Claudia.
But that wasn't happening, so what was going on.....fighting? eating? mating?

I admit - I couldn't watch any longer - and broke the cardinal rule of wildlife observation

I (well, my dad actually) interfered.

Brutus was not happy.

The hunt was back on....

(Run Claudia!)

Searching....

...and searching....

...and searching.

Sorry Brutus, she got away. :)