Sunday Senses: I Press Toward the Mark

I was assigned to give a talk in Sacrament today.  I think me speaking around Christmas and the New Year is beginning to become some kind of annual tradition (this is the 4th year in a row).  Anyway, I'm working on a post with lots of photos and updates about my holiday doings in the old world, but I may wait until after New Years to publish it.  In the mean time, I thought I'd share my talk with you.  Some of my fellow ward members requested copies of it, so I'm hoping it's of some worth.  It's a little unpolished - as most speech guides are - and is a terrible mash-up of UK and US spelling, but hopefully it still carries the same heart and sentiment in print that it did in voice.

I Press Toward the Mark (Sacrament talk – 29/12/2012)

New Year – a time of resolutions, new beginnings, looking to the future, and remembering the past.  Last year around this time my life experienced a great change. It was unexpected, unwanted, and abruptly interrupted the life path I thought I was to follow, not only for the immediate future, but for the long term.  As the New Year rolled around and the initial shock and pain began to wear off, I realized I needed to re-evaluate my future, and start to move on with my life.

I had no idea at the time that I would end up in England. In fact, for a long time I had no idea of anything, and it seemed that God wanted me to flounder in the dark, to “wander in the wilderness” so to speak.  But, looking back (as hindsight always seems to give us clearer vision) I realize that God was giving me time – time to learn from what had happened, time to heal, and time to make sure I was making sound decisions for the right reasons moving forward.

As we come to look toward a new year, I’d like to share a few things I learned in the process:

Faith always points forward.

It is a simple but true gem of a statement spoken by an inspired High Council member in a time when I really needed it. He continued:

The past is to be learned from, not lived in; don’t let your attachment to the past outweigh your confidence in the future. – HC Member, Nephi, UT

I love simple yet powerful statements; when others are able to touch and share in a few short words the concepts so many of us struggle to grasp and understand within.  There are some wonderful short and sweet passages in the scriptures that further emphasize these words…

Go forward not backward. - D&C 128:22 

Look not behind thee... - Gen 19:17 

 Remember Lot’s wife… - Luke 17:32 

..but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. I press toward the mark… - Phil 3:13

Man’s agency is God’s limitation, but it is also his strength.

Through my trial and experience I learned that God has a limit; but it is self-imposed.  That limit is our agency.  He could interfere, but He won’t – it is counterproductive and would negate the plan of salvation.  (One of the many reasons for this principle can be found in Alma 14:8-11 in the book of Mormon.) Many, if not the majority, of our trials come not necessarily from the direct will of God, but from the consequences of the actions of others and ourselves. God must allow us, each and every one of us, to make choices and act on our own agency, whether for good or bad.  This doesn't just apply to horribly evil or large saintly decisions either – it applies to the everyday kind of good, or not so good, or maybe it could be good choices that make up our daily lives.

Initially this concept was really difficult for me to accept; it didn't shake my faith in God, but my faith in man had been severely affected. How could I possibly have faith in a future that was limited by the agency and decisions of others? I felt powerless, like a leaf left to blow in the wind of others choices. But, as I pondered and studied and prayed for faith and understanding to move forward. I came to a realization: Just as our exercising our agency to choose bad things disables God, so does using our agency to choose His path empower Him. 

Our agency, our choice, is powerful. Miracles happen – or cease to happen as the case may be – in the world because of the choices we make to give them power by faith. One of the best examples of this is as old as time, that of Adam and Eve in the Garden.  Their mission, their role in the plan of salvation was to make a choice, to choose to follow one path or another; and their decision effected every generation that was to follow them for eternity - it became the catalyst for the plan of salvation. Their choice was to progress, to learn from experience, to move forward.

We never lose the power to change or the potential to become better.

Faith in God and mankind is a delicate balancing act of hope and acceptance.  After spending several months working through the grieving and acceptance process, and trying to figure out these complex issues related to the sometimes perplexing dichotomies of faith, agency, miracles, and our human faults and limitations, I learned a lesson about redemption and renewal in a rather unexpected and unorthodox place.

This last May I travelled home to spend time with my family.  My mother, grandfather, and I all have birthdays within consecutive days, and we often celebrate together with a big extended family party – usually on my grandfather’s birthday as his falls in the middle of the three.  When I travel home my mother takes some vacation days from work so that we can spend time together.  This year however, she had a work commitment she needed to keep on the day of my birthday, and she invited me to come along.  My mother works as drug counsellor in a rehab program in a state prison.

So, on the morning of my 28^th birthday I found myself navigating through security gates, metal detectors, and corridors of locked power doors to attend the graduation ceremony of a few dozen inmates from a drug rehabilitation program.  Out of the numerous men graduating only two or three had family members present and the majority of the audience was made up of prison staff and other inmates in the program.  There were several speakers from amongst the staff and inmates, and a lot of information shared about the program itself. With all these formalities, the thing that made the biggest impression on me was a skit a few of the graduates performed towards the end of the ceremony.

Four inmates, shaking with nerves and excitement, their muscular frames scarred, tattooed, and costumed in homemade props crafted from tape and coloured paper, acted out a short story.  The story was about a man named Addiction.  Addiction was on a quest to find Sobriety, the great and powerful being that could free him from his troubles.  On his quest Addiction kept suffering setbacks, caused by the terrible fiend Relapse. Fortunately for Addiction, he met up with a committed and strong friend named Rehab, who was able to assist by providing him with the tools and the support needed to defeat Relapse and find Sobriety. Sobriety, upon hearing of the quest and Addiction’s desires to better himself, changed his name to Recovery, as reward for his efforts and representative of the choice and commitment he was making to change and move forward.  Note that his name was not changed to Recovered – an end result, but instead to Recovery – an on-going process.  Sobriety counselled the newly named Recovery to continue to utilize the skills and tools he had obtained from Rehab and always remember the experiences he had learned from along the way, as he continued his future lifelong quest to become like Sobriety.

The significance of the symbolism in the name change was not lost on me – there are numerous stories, legends, scriptures, and practices which utilize the name change as a symbol of a changed and renewed man.  What struck me the most in that moment was the indestructible and amazing ability of man to change.  These men, who through bad choices, bad circumstances, and most likely a tragic combination of both, had ended up locked away in the dungeons of society, many for a long time.  These men, with all their worldly autonomy, agency, and daily life choices stripped away from them, still had one amazing power than no prison walls, or hand-cuffs, or standard issue jump suit could take away from them – the ability to change, and to change for the better.

Some accounts of life changing moments are epic tales of angelic visions or physical transformations, but we don’t need be struck dumb or have angels charge us with fiery admonitions to have a change of heart. We only need the desire, and the right tools to help us fulfill that desire. We just need to take the sacrament on Sundays, and say our prayers and read our scriptures and consciously try to be better every day.  The change likely won’t be as immediate or dramatic as those caused by angelic visions, but it is constant, and consistent. It is daily rehab – daily renewal of choices, commitments, and desires – that helps us to progress and become better day by day. No matter where we are in our own stories, in our own personal conversions and conversations with God – whether in the winding down of a long life or the winding up of young one,  whether celebrating at the apex of success with everything in the world at our feet, or sitting in a prison cell with all our worldly choices and agency stripped away – there is one thing that is never taken from us, and that is our ability to change, to grow, to choose to become better, to renew ourselves, to move forward with faith.

Moving Forward

They say the only constant in life is change, but I would like to respectfully disagree; or rather, amend that to include something else, and that is the eternal and unbiased consistency of the love of God, and his never ending patience and care in helping us to adapt and learn from change.  The gospel, the atonement, and their power to renew will always be available to us, no matter our circumstances, if we but choose to recognize and accept them.

But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them. – 2 Tim 3:14

Now, unfortunately – or fortunately I guess, depending on how you look at it – no matter how much we may want to, we can never force good choices on others, and as good as we try to be, we will in all likelihood still make mistakes ourselves.  We can and will hurt, and can and will be hurt by others, no matter how idyllic our aspirations. But, don’t lose hope, for tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity; and remember- faith always points forward, agency is powerful, and we never lose our potential to change for the better.

On Stepping Back

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.

-Abraham Joshua Heschel

I've made a decision to step back and take an indefinite break from the news and social media. My blog will still remain active for now, with posts of my experiences and thoughts, but that too may change, depending.  My heart is weary of negativity; the arguments, the personal attacks, the impassioned crusades - against not only policies and ideals, but against each other.  The world is full of terrible things, and our human shortcomings are painfully obvious when something large and socially tragic happens. Our faith in mankind can be disillusioned. But it's even more disheartening when instead of rallying together, we take our anger, our hurt, and our helplessness out on one another.

I recently made the mistake of expressing a political opinion online; a hard lesson learned that I will not soon forget. Not necessarily because I recant my position or committed a fallacy, but rather because I didn't think of the possible repercussions or realize the personal pain and ugliness that sharing an opinion in such a form might bring.  Social media has never been a big thing for me...at least, it wasn't until I moved across the sea, where it became a lifeline for familiar and friendly connections; a way to combat the loneliness and isolation that can come from uprooting your life and moving thousands of miles away from those you love.

Life can be hard, but I try to focus on the positive.  I love to share things, especially things that are good - like music, recipes, articles, or simple daily moments of happiness and contentment. Some may view my constant stream of updates about dancing, dining, and visits to ancient castles as representative of an idealistic and fairy tale life.  Comments such as "Jealous!", "Wow, your life is amazing!", and "I want your life!" have not been uncommon replies.  It may seem that way because I choose - and will continue to choose - to share the good things; to try and perpetuate the happiness and joy I feel in those moments when I love my life.  But I too have difficulties, just like everyone else.

I don't regret my move - I know why I'm here and I love what I'm doing.  I am every day grateful for the opportunity I've been given to improve my life and myself, and to spend a year in such a beautiful and historic place in the world.  But that doesn't mean it's easy.  I am surrounded by wonderful people, but building intimate and meaningful connections takes time, and while I am kept more than busy with my studies and schoolwork (and all the various student life accompaniments) there are still hours of isolation to fill and personal demons to face.

I know that life can be difficult for everyone at times, and I am terribly sorry if you've had a hard day, or a hard year, or a hard life - but please realize I didn't post or write about dancing in castles, or hosting dinner parties, or spending the day reading classic literature to mock or outdo you.  I shared in an effort to bring positive affirmation to my day; to remind myself to recognize the goodness and blessings in my life that I should be thankful for.  I am trying to be a more positive and grateful person even in the face of personal hardship; and I share them online because there is no one next to me to whisper to, because you are a pool of people I care about and think enough of to want to share the adventures of my life with.

I'm not sure why we find it so easy to hurt one another in the digital realm - maybe it's the lack of internal filters we would otherwise employ if we were physically in front of someone; maybe our fingers are more prone to malice than our voices; maybe it's because we don't have to see and face the hurt that we may cause; maybe it's because we're hurting, and attacking the invisible person in cyberspace is easier than attacking the emotions that lie within ourselves.  

Before we let our anger get the better of us, let's remember - words don't just magically appear online.  They were typed by fingers; fingers connected to a human body with a human heart and human feeling; fingers that caress in love and wipe away tears in anguish and sorrow; fingers that may point in accusation but also beckon in remorse;  fingers that belong to someone you know and love; fingers that, just like yours, are reaching out, trying to connect and make sense of the confusion in the world around them. I won't begrudge you some cathartic venting (we all need that sometimes), but think before you type. Practice patience and restraint, as a disciplined tongue is a strength not a weakness. We are all entitled to various opinions and the free expression of them, but no online victory is worth the loss of the tender feelings of those we love. 

*photo credit: http://imperfectspirituality.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Heart-shaped-hands-and-compassion.jpg

We Will Have to Change

Friday’s horrific national tragedy—the murder of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut—has ignited a new discussion on violence in America. In kitchens and coffee shops across the country, we tearfully debate the many faces of violence in America: gun culture, media violence, lack of mental health services, overt and covert wars abroad, religion, politics and the way we raise our children. -The Blue Review

There has been a lot going on in the world of politics, society, and humanity in my home country since I left this last Autumn.  I have no desire to make political arguments a part of my blog.  I am wary of political culture - it's ugly, accusatory, and divisive. I do have my opinions, and I'll gladly share them with you personally if you ask.

Today, I just wanted to share the words of others addressing some issues from a personal and societal perspective.  These messages struck a cord with me, and I think they speak to the humanity (not policy) within all of us. I found them significant, and I hope you may see their value as well - regardless of political or religious affiliations.

Once again,a piece of my perspective voiced through the eloquent words of others:

We, as a nation, we are left with some hard questions. Someone once described the joy and anxiety of parenthood as the equivalent of having your heart outside of your body all the time, walking around. With their very first cry, this most precious, vital part of ourselves — our child — is suddenly exposed to the world, to possible mishap or malice. And every parent knows there is nothing we will not do to shield our children from harm. And yet, we also know that with that child's very first step, and each step after that, they are separating from us; that we won't — that we can't always be there for them. They'll suffer sickness and setbacks and broken hearts and disappointments. And we learn that our most important job is to give them what they need to become self-reliant and capable and resilient, ready to face the world without fear.

And we know we can't do this by ourselves. It comes as a shock at a certain point where you realize, no matter how much you love these kids, you can't do it by yourself. That this job of keeping our children safe, and teaching them well, is something we can only do together, with the help of friends and neighbors, the help of a community, and the help of a nation. And in that way, we come to realize that we bear a responsibility for every child because we're counting on everybody else to help look after ours; that we're all parents; that they're all our children.

This is our first task — caring for our children. It's our first job. If we don't get that right, we don't get anything right. That's how, as a society, we will be judged.

And by that measure, can we truly say, as a nation, that we are meeting our obligations? Can we honestly say that we're doing enough to keep our children — all of them — safe from harm? Can we claim, as a nation, that we're all together there, letting them know that they are loved, and teaching them to love in return? Can we say that we're truly doing enough to give all the children of this country the chance they deserve to live out their lives in happiness and with purpose?

I've been reflecting on this the last few days, and if we're honest with ourselves, the answer is no. We're not doing enough. And we will have to change.

We can't tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society.

But that can't be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this. If there is even one step we can take to save another child, or another parent, or another town, from the grief that has visited Tucson, and Aurora, and Oak Creek, and Newtown, and communities from Columbine to Blacksburg before that — then surely we have an obligation to try.

We can't accept events like this as routine. Are we really prepared to say that we're powerless in the face of such carnage, that the politics are too hard? Are we prepared to say that such violence visited on our children year after year after year is somehow the price of our freedom?

We know our time on this Earth is fleeting. We know that we will each have our share of pleasure and pain; that even after we chase after some earthly goal, whether it's wealth or power or fame, or just simple comfort, we will, in some fashion, fall short of what we had hoped. We know that no matter how good our intentions, we will all stumble sometimes, in some way. We will make mistakes, we will experience hardships. And even when we're trying to do the right thing, we know that much of our time will be spent groping through the darkness, so often unable to discern God's heavenly plans.

There's only one thing we can be sure of, and that is the love that we have — for our children, for our families, for each other. The warmth of a small child's embrace — that is true. The memories we have of them, the joy that they bring, the wonder we see through their eyes, that fierce and boundless love we feel for them, a love that takes us out of ourselves, and binds us to something larger — we know that's what matters. We know we're always doing right when we're taking care of them, when we're teaching them well, when we're showing acts of kindness. We don't go wrong when we do that.

-Pres Obama, excerpts from Sandy Hook Interfaith Prayer Vigil (full transcript: http://www.npr.org/2012/12/16/167412995/transcript-president-obama-at-sandy-hook-prayer-vigil)

Articles related to the complex issues that I find relevant: 

I am Adam Lanza's Mother
Newtown's Grief Should Be a Rallying Cry

And, a short but wonderful video:

Sunday Senses: I am a Mormon Because I am a Feminist

In lieu of my own words, which are often so difficult to formulate from the complicated webs of thought and feeling that constantly flow through my mind and heart, I share the words of another - who has expressed my perspective so much better than I ever could.

Just click on the link:  I am a Mormon Because I am a Feminist