And you would accept the seasons of your heart just as you have always accepted that the seasons pass over your fields and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt
I hate having my picture taken. Funny- coming from a would-be photographer. But, photos make me look at myself, as a visual whole, and I shrink at that. I rarely look at myself. Someone once asked me how that could be. How could I get ready everyday without ever really looking at myself?
Answer: I look piecemeal. When getting dressed I look at my clothes. When fixing my hair, I look at my hair. I know what my eyes, ears, mouth, and nose look like - separately. I know each mark, each scar, each imperfection. I think my nose is too long, my eyes are too far apart, my cheekbones are too wide, and my lips are too asymmetrical. My ears are okay... I like my ears. I'm short and my figure would not be described as willowy or graceful. But my shoes match my purse, my hair is in place, and I just got a killer new shade of lip gloss.
I can handle these things individually. Together they can be overwhelming. Most of the time I see myself as I was in the sixth grade: the short and scrawny tomboy, awkwardly scampering down the halls with her home-cut bangs and bushy eyebrows... So I hide from the camera. I like who I imagine I can be in my head. I hate facing the reality of myself on film.
But no more. I am attempting to face my fears, and lately that fear has been myself.
I recently came across this quote by Piero Ferrucci -"Eliminate something superfluous from your life. Break a habit. Do something that makes you feel insecure."
That is what I am trying to do. I have two wonderful friends who are amazing photographers, Leilani and Seth. Leilani I asked to do me a favor. Seth asked me if I could be target practice. Both were wonderful. And both helped me to face the first part of my fear- the camera.
Now I am taking the next step - not hiding the evidence. One of my favorite statement's comes from Marrianne Williamson, and I am leaning on it as I try to justify writing an entire post about myself:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children we do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
And so, here I am. Forgive my reluctant vanity. You are all witness to one of my most challenging and vulnerable moments.
