I surprised myself when I said it. I had been thinking and talking around and about and somewhere in the general direction of, but not exactly to him for a while. Strange, since I had only recently felt so close to him - so dependent on and earnest to be with him. I knew I desired to feel that connection again, but for some reason I was holding back. I decided I needed to try harder, that I was lacking and only communicating halfheartedly, that I wasn't doing all that I needed to on my end to bridge the undeniable gap I was feeling.
Late that I night I knelt down, bare shins against the cold floor, and stared out the large picture window into the dim twilight. My hands fidgeted in my lap. I leaned forward and placed them on the seat in front of me, fingers interwoven, elbows spread and forearms flat against the soft white linen. I rested my chin on top of my hands and looked out at the sky again. Nothing. I unclasped my hands and folded my arms, forearms still resting, and nestled my cheek into the space between. I stayed there for a while, staring out the window on my left. Still nothing. I pushed back up and brought my elbows together, resting them on the seat with my chin cupped between my hands. I took a deep breath and sighed. My hands went back to fidgeting in my lap. I stopped trying to look through the window into the heavens and instead stared intently into an empty space on the floor next to me.
"I hate you." I said, bursting into violent tears.
The tears and quiet sobs poured out for a while...I'm not exactly sure how long. After the hot salty stream subsided I hastily wiped my cheeks and slipped into bed. Exhausted, I fell into a deep but trembling sleep.
The next morning I awoke and quietly prepared for the day. I didn't speak to him or even towards him...my thoughts were turned inward; shocked, sheepish, repulsed, and embarrassed at my outburst I remained silent as my conscious raced. "Did I really say that? Worse, did I really mean it? Could I really 'hate' him...him who up until now I've loved so much? Really?"
In evaluating and trying to understand my choice of words, actions, and feelings I thought a lot about "hate" and what it means. I'd never considered myself a hateful person, but those words did leave my mouth, and they weren't a planned or childish lie to hurt or attack - there was an unrestrained intense and bare emotion behind them. The dictionary defines hate as "intense or extreme dislike". In the world we use the word hate a lot with several different levels of intent, strength, and meaning. Most of the time it's casual and flippant, but sometimes it's vehement. Three of the most common usages I thought of were:
1) Objective: Dislike or distaste for a thing - object focused. "I hate mustard," or "I hate being late." Very casual and commonly used to simply mean "I don't really enjoy or like this." Synonyms would include words such as bother, irritant, gripe, nuisance, etc.
2) Social Judgement: Dislike for a person or type of person based on judgments made about their personal attributes, lifestyle, religion, physical appearance, etc. "I hate that actress," or "I hate actors." Can be similarly casual to objective dislikes but can also elevate to the level of violent feelings or actions, such as those related to what are known as "Hate Crimes." Synonyms would include words like antipathy, animosity, hostility, disgust, revulsion, intolerance, etc.
3) Intimate Reactive: Dislike of a person based on their personal interactions with or actions towards you or others close to you. Personal and emotional. Can be a general dislike based on social or personality differences, or can be intensely emotional resulting from a painful intimate altercation or situation. Synonyms could include grievance, scorn, spite, enmity, disconsolate, heartbroken, bitter, distressed, etc.
My "I hate you" was very much an intimate emotional reaction. But what did it mean? What did I mean? Did this mean I no longer loved or cared for him? Is hate the antithesis of love? Had my feelings changed so much? Can you love and hate at the same time? No, I thought. Hate isn't the opposite of love. They are both intense emotions but they seem much too strong, passionate, and interconnected to be completely incompatible. So what is the opposite of love? Is it lack of emotion and passion? Indifference? Nothingness?
Of course, I'm not the first to let my thoughts wander this way...
From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate. ~Socrates
It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual life upon another; each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his object. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. ~Elie Wiesel
Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water; anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel, the freedom to flow; water that you gathered in one place and left to forget. Stagnant water becomes dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, deadly; that is your hate. On flowing water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human. ~C. JoyBell C.
I hate you, God. I hate you as though you actually exist. ~Graham Greene, The End of the Affair
I hate you: also known as; I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm lost, I'm tired, I'm perplexed, I'm lashing out, I'm a child, I feel abandoned, I don't know what to feel, I don't know what else to say, I love you but can't express it, caring about you scares me, I know it's not your fault but you're the only one here, I'm trying to hide my weakness, I know you'll love me anyway.
What do you do when the only one that can make you feel better is the one that made you cry in the first place?
I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain and heartache. We can't all be like Job in our trials. It's okay to acknowledge how you feel, because once you acknowledge it, you can move past it. I believe He forgives the feelings we have, as long as we don't hold on to them and allow them to cancre our souls.
ReplyDeleteI look at you, and I see someone special. You are beautiful, and you have a beautiful life and a beautiful spirit. You have the capacity and capability to touch lives and serve others in a way that I never will.
I wish I could say something to fix things for you, but that's not my place. I just know God meant for us to experience joy in this life, and maybe God's path for you is different than the one you want to take. Perhaps some of your pain will be lessened if you accept that? I don't know. This talk came to mind: http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-relief-society-meeting/2011/09/forget-me-not?lang=eng . . .particularly the part about the golden tickets. xo-Jeri
Thanks Jeri. And don't worry - I'm not clinging to any particular golden tickets. More just trying to figure out how to navigate a world without them. ;) No lasting bitterness will set it. While there has been some heartache, my life is actually quite good. I just think that I have been trying too hard and been too hasty in declaring myself as "accepted" - of letting go of things without acknowledging the hurt and anger that was part of the process. I made it over the mountain, but was thrown off course by a 'little bump in the road' and it surprised me.
DeleteI'm not perfect, and I can't keep beating myself up for not being there. I need to accept that I'm human - not superhuman. And, as included in the quote from C. Joybell C., I just needed to stop bottling up and denying my anger. I need to feel it, acknowledge it, let it flow out and then let it go. That's what this was. I was surprised by it, but I vented it...on my blog, for all the world (well, all those few readers who actually make it here) to see. Maybe not the best thing to post about, but it was honest and cathartic, and maybe the way others feel sometimes too.
Thanks for caring, and for sharing your thoughts. I hope you and your little ones are doing okay! I'll keep all of you (and Jay of course) in my prayers.
Hey, I'm all about airing feelings. I don't think God sent us here to learn how to ignore them. Thanks for your prayers.
DeleteI love it. What a beautiful, purely honest entry. I think at times the word "hate" is the only word that can be used to summarize complex emotions properly (perhaps the English language is a bit limited in this way). A bit of anger and hate is very much merited in this situation, in my opinion. No doubt, it is a step towards reconciling the situation personally and regaining a sense of charity for even those that persecute you. I think the Lord is the only one who really understands one's complex emotions and will take upon anyone's emotional burdens, no matter how complex, through the Atonement. He will take them away when we are willing to offer up those burdens. But, for me the healing process and becoming submissive enough to give up my complex emotions takes a bit of time and takes a bit of ruminating. And the sadness does not ever go away, the sense of loss, but the sting of the pain is ameliorated by the Atonement.
ReplyDeleteLove you Janna, you are great!