Alive in My Humanity

Every human being is drawn to move forward and learn.

-Kate Baestrup

I apologize for my blog being so empty, in so many ways, for so long.  It has been missing deep and rich content on it's pages as I have been missing the deep and rich content within my life.  The richness is there, but I have supressed it's expression into stagnation.  I, like so many others in this world, have allowed the pressures - both outward and self-imposed - in this mortal life to hinder me. I have let small issues - such as finances, scheduling, career stagnation, and educational postponement - turn into crushing problems.  I have overcompensated in unimportant areas to the point of losing growth in others.  I have allowed myself, in certain ways, to become boring, mediocre, apathetic.  It wasn't until someone very close to me was brave, loving, and honest enough to show me how my lack of growth was hindering his that I was able to truly face the state I had gotten myself into.  His honesty has given me a wonderful gift - the gift of seeing myself through his eyes.

Happiness is a form of gratitude. 

(one that I have been very stingy with lately)

I think that often in this human existence, we forget how much the choices we make affect others - not simply the actions we choose to outwardly make towards them, but also the internal personal choices we make about ourselves.  When we allow our inner-selves to become stagnant, to become stuck in place, to stop growing, we affect the growth of those around us. Our souls are like energy in space, moving, bumping, touching, and merging with others. They can be warm, bright, glowing and life giving like the sun; or they can become dim, empty, lifeless black holes.  I'm tired of wasting space. I want to radiate like the sun.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

 Lately, on the outside, I have been like a rock (yes, another analogy...being a black hole was not enough, I needed to be a rock shell with an internal black hole); sitting and waiting, immovable as the elements passed over me, slowly beating, breaking, and shaping me at their will.   But light is life. And a sun will never be able to live inside of an apathetic and lifeless rock.  Life is an essential part of humanity.  I don't want to be immovable and worn.  I want to be alive and growing, like a tree (yes, now I am a tree with a sunshine soul....) - reaching for the sky, absorbing light, bending with the wind, adapting and changing with the seasons, producing and providing new life, growing with each passing year. I want to smile more, laugh more, love more, enjoy more, grow more, and I want others to do so with me. I want to grow from their sunlight and feed their lives with mine....

...I want to be alive in my humanity.

Therefore it is given to abide in you;

 the record of heaven;

 the Comforter; 

the peaceable things of immortal glory;

the truth of all things;

that which quickeneth all things;

which maketh all things;

that which knoweth all things,

and hath all power according to

wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgement.

Moses 6:61

We are children made to create, born through the loving creation of an immortal and eternally growing Heavenly Father, and when we cease to create we cease to grow.  I have become lax in my creating; in trying and contributing to the growth of myself, my life, and my relationships.  Yes, I have even let my simple blog slowly die.  But no more.  Life is renewed. Changes and chances are given.  The hundreds (okay, maybe dozens) of unfinished thoughts, feelings, observations, and questions I have started to put into words will be completed and posted. I will share with you the things I learn, see, observe, question, know, and really don't know about this wonderful, amazing, and unique human experience called mortality.  I will try to post once a week, starting this Sunday. I can't guarantee the strict regularity of timing or quality of content, but I will try, and instead of berating myself when I don't succeed, I will smile and laugh at myself and post anyway.  I will share some of the internal sunlight I have been so wonderfully blessed with, and hope that you too, will be willing to share yours with me.

Photos courtesy of Luke Hutchison