My Soul Doth Hunger

And my soul hungered; 

and I kneeled down before my Maker, 

and I cried unto him in mighty prayer 

and supplication for mine own soul; 

and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, 

and when the night came I did still raise my voice high 

that it reached the heavens.

Enos 1:4

For the last 18 months I have been participating in a nutritional study at Tufts University's Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging.  It's a two year study focusing on the effects of slight improvements in diet and nutrition on various aspects of health and aging in individuals with relatively healthy BMIs. My 18 month mark was this month.

Over the last year and half I have had the opportunity to learn about the effects of diet and nutrition from numerous doctors, specialists, researchers, dietitians, nutritionists, physical therapists, and personal counselors.  I have gained a wealth of general and personal knowledge on metabolism, digestion, weight maintenance, vitamins, nutrients, supplements, and food sources, as well as the effect that sleep, schedules, hormones, and mental wellbeing can have on dietary health.

The knowledge I have gained has been very useful to me in many ways, including helping me to get my body to a healthier BMI.  The process of gaining this knowledge has definitely been a blessing, but it has not always been easy, and occasionally has felt much like a curse. 

"Knowledge is power."

Sir Francis Bacon said.

But, as Albert Einstein so keenly perceived

 "Information is not knowledge."

You would think, logically, that the wealth of facts and information I was gathering would make maintaining a healthy diet easier. But, we humans are complicated, and our factual minds are counterbalanced with often illogical and emotional hearts. The in-depth details and information, instead of making decisions easier, made them more complicated. I would eat certain things even though I knew I shouldn't, often simply because I shouldn't.  Food, instead of simply being 'food', became a symbolic emotional power struggle for me, at one brief time almost developing into an eating disorder.

I was lucky enough to have the support I needed both mentally and spiritually to be able to step back and normalize what was quickly becoming a destructive pattern, surprisingly from something intended to be helpful and good.  So, what was is that transformed this good and righteous pursuit into something so difficult and self-destructive?  Why was it that in my seeking of health and happiness I began to find only guilt and self-loathing?

And the spirit and the body are the soul of man. 
 D&C 88:15

We are dual creatures, made up of a sacred yet carnal vessel housing a celestial and eternal spirit.  I've often questioned and struggled with the concept of the 'natural man' and his role in our mortal journey.  How can our bodies - one of the greatest gifts we receive from God - also be an 'enemy to God'?   

And now...all men are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state...
they are without God in the world, and they have gone contrary to the nature of God; 
therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness. 
And now behold, is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state 
and place it in an unnatural state, or to place it in a state opposite to it's nature? 

Alma 41 11:12

I love rhetorical questions. :) The definition of restoration - and the purpose of the Atonement - according to dictionary terms is to "return something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition."  So what is the 'nature' of God and of happiness? What former natural state will we be restored to? 

For I, the Lord God, created all things, of which I have spoken, spiritually, before they were naturally upon the face of the earth. 
And I, the Lord God, had created all the children of men; and not yet a man to till the ground; 
for in heaven created I them; and there was not yet flesh upon the earth...

Moses 3:5

As Stephen R. Covey stated "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human  journey." We are first and foremost beings of a spiritual nature: faithful, charitable, merciful, kind, knowledgeable, patient, loving, humble, and hopeful.  We are celestial beings blessed with the gift of a mortal trial, the opportunity to enhance the essence of our spirits with a body of flesh and blood, to develop and merge into 'living souls'.

First spiritual, secondly temporal, which is the beginning of my work; 
and again, first temporal, secondly spiritual, which is the last of my work.  
D&C 29:32

So, if our original, natural state as created by God is so wonderfully spiritual, who is this enemy the 'natural man'?

There is a natural body, there is a spiritual body. 
1 Corinthians 15:44

There are several definitions and meanings of the word 'nature' or 'natural', some of which include:

- the material word

- the elements of the natural world

- the universe, with all it's phenomenon

- the biological functions or the urges to satisfy their requirements

- a primitive, wild condition

- existing in or formed by nature.

- based on the state of things in nature

- in a state of nature; uncultivated

- growing spontaneously

- unenlightened or unregenerate

- born such

- not treated

- an idiot (yes, it's a noun)

Alma clarifies what he meant by natural state - a 'carnal' state contrary to the spiritual state of god.  God is subject to the laws of the universe, and our bodies were born from elements of nature. The process of creation, evolution, and survival through the ages has created unique 'carnal' urges, needs, responses and and processes within our bodies.  Our physical beings are greatly effected and driven by genetics, hormones, chemicals, seasons, temperatures, sights, smells, and sounds - including such things as the urge to 'spread our seed', the tendency to 'bulk up' or eat nutritionally denser foods in winter, and the 'survival instinct.'

For the natural man is an enemy to God,

and has been from the fall of  Adam, and will be forever and ever,

unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and putteth off the natural man

and becometh a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord. 

Mosiah 3:9

In an age when science helps us to learn so much about the biology, chemistry, and genetics of our physical bodies it is easy to justify carnal behaviors such as infidelity, eating disorders, and addictions.  I'm not saying that our bodies are evil or worthless, quite the opposite.  They are amazing tools that can enhance the experiences and existence of our spirits in ways we can only yet imagine, but they are unrefined and imperfect - like a raw clay that must be handled, kneaded, molded, and shaped before becoming the beautiful and artistic vessel it is meant to be. I believe that is one of the reasons why it would have been so bad for Adam and Eve to partake of the Tree of Life and become immortal so soon after partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge - they had not yet learned to master their new bodies. 

It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. 

1 Corinthians 15:44

The point of this life is not to reject our 'natural' bodies, but to embrace them wholeheartedly - to fill them with our spirit and mold them into our celestial souls.  As with my experience with the study, no one wakes up planning to become a slave to the natural man or his urges.  But the process of refining a soul is a difficult one, and one which Satan will do all within his power to keep us from completing.  We are often too hard on ourselves. It is never easy, but always worth it.  Never give up. Begin again. Start anew. Love yourself - body and spirit. Hold another soul in your arms. Feed your spiritual hunger. Embrace your beautiful, eternal, natural self.

And he said unto them: 
He that eateth of this bread 
eateth of my body to his soul;
 and he that drinketh of this wine 
drinketh of my blood to his soul; 
and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst, 
but shall be filled.
 3 Nephi 20:8

Where Your White City Shines

Hello all! I'm back in the electronic world again. The weather in Boston has, so lamentably, taken a turn for the  cooler and we've gone straight from t-shirts to warm sweaters and jackets - no long sleeve t's or cardigan weather in between.  But - good news - that does mean , in combination with other factors, that I will have more indoor time for writing posts. :)  Sad news - that also means that the summer sunlight is fading and beautiful outdoor sunlit days are getting shorter (sunrise/sunset are decreasing by a minute each every day - a much to rapid pace if you ask me).

I love natural light.  I just finished my first series of Arabic classes today and one of the many new words I learned - and one of the few I always remember - is noor.  It means 'light'.  (I wish I could figure out how to type it in Arabic calligraphy here for you - it's a beautiful language both vocally and visually.)

Anyway, I'm working on another post right now, but a friend of mine just shared this video (she's in it) and I thought I would share it with all of you.  Unfortunately, she only posted it on facebook instead of YouTube or some other publicly accessible website, so I can only share the link and you'll have to have a FB account and log in in order to view it.  It was made by a friend of hers and is composed entirely of still photographs - roughly 800.  It's beautiful. (listen to the lyrics too...) And it's about light.

Towards the Light Music Video

Things as They Really Are

Our spirit and our body are combined in such a way 
that our body becomes an instrument of our mind and the foundation of our character.

-Boyd K.Packer

"The Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. 
Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are,
and of things as they really will be;
wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly,
for the salvation of our souls."
Jacob 4:13

I have been working on multiple posts for several weeks, but have not yet posted them. Not because I don't know what to write - in fact, it's quite the opposite in that I often feel like I have too much to write - but because I haven't been able to make myself sit down at my computer long enough to finish one. I admit, I have a love/hate relationship with my computer, and my cell phone, and my alarm clock..... 

It's somewhat ironic, as this post is related to and a result of the post I am currently working on, the topic of which has led me make an effort to spend less time at my computer, but is something I earnestly wish to share. Don't worry, I will get there and will hopefully have it edited and up to par by next week. 

So, what is it that has caused me to neglect my blog so soon after making a commitment to post more often? It will become more apparent with my next post, but you can read these two articles now to more fully understand.  

The first article -Things as They Really Are -  is a talk by Elder David A. Bednar that I read in the Ensign several months ago. It really resonated with me and makes a strong statement about the need for balance between the benefits and detriments of modern communication technologies:

We live at a time when technology can be used to replicate reality, to augment reality, and to create virtual reality....I raise an apostolic voice of warning about the potentially stifling, suffocating, suppressing, and constraining impact of some kinds of cyberspace interactions and experiences upon our souls. The concerns I raise are not new; they apply equally to other types of media, such as television, movies, and music.

Please be careful of becoming so immersed and engrossed in pixels, texting, earbuds, twittering, online social networking, and potentially addictive uses of media and the Internet that you fail to recognize the importance of your physical body and miss the richness of person-to-person communication. Beware of digital displays and data in many forms of computer-mediated interaction that can displace the full range of physical capacity and experience....Progressively, seemingly innocent entertainment can become a form of pernicious enslavement.

To feel the warmth of a tender hug from an eternal companion or to see the sincerity in the eyes of another person as testimony is shared—all of these things experienced as they really are through the instrument of our physical body—could be sacrificed for a high-fidelity fantasy that has no lasting value. If you and I are not vigilant, we can become “past feeling”... 

I am not suggesting all technology is inherently bad; it is not. Nor am I saying we should not use its many capabilities in appropriate ways to learn, to communicate, to lift and brighten lives, and to build and strengthen the Church; of course we should. But I am raising a warning voice that we should not squander and damage authentic relationships by obsessing over contrived ones.

Let me say again: neither technology nor rapid change in or of itself is good or evil; the real challenge is to understand both within the context of the eternal plan of happiness.

The second article - Reconnect Your Brain - is one that was shared by a friend today (online no less) and got me reminiscing about my time in Haiti and longing for a 'technology free' vacation from the world.  I have to say, that while cell phones and email have so many wonderful benefits, I often miss the days when I wasn't expected to be available and connected all the time.  

I've often thought about the possibility of cutting out certain technologies from my daily life - but realize that removing myself from the progression of the world is not the most beneficial or realistic option. It's not about rejecting or avoiding technologies, but prioritizing and managing the precedence they take in my life. 

Elder Bednar offered two questions for consideration when making decisions about technology use:

1.  Does the use of various technologies and media invite or impede the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in your life?

2.  Does the time you spend using various technologies and media enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?

So, never fear - my reasons for not posting lately (and so soon after making a promise to post more often) have nothing to do with becoming 'stagnant' again.  I just, quite simply, am spending more time outside enjoying the wonderful summer weather - unplugged from electrical outlets and connecting with other people in a more 'natural' way.  And don't worry, I'll still be working on creating interesting and meaningful posts...they just may be a little more spread out while the rare and all too short New England summer sun is shining. 

Speaking of enjoying, connecting, and reminiscing, here are a few of my favorite experiences of past 'natural life connections' made possible to capture and share with you through modern technology. :)

Random outbursts of silliness and joy...

...memories of Haiti...

...adventures with family and friends...

...and happy moments shared with loved ones.

Now - go outside, enjoy what's left of summer, hug someone, laugh a lot, and ignore the urge to plug in and check my blog for at least a week. :)

Unity

n. peace, summation

v. mix, join, blend, tie

adj. harmonious

adv. together

conj. and

I titled my blog An Experience in Humanity on that day oh-so-long-ago because I wanted to capture and share the wonderful and sometimes difficult lessons of this short experience of mortality; the brief time in our eternal progression in which we share a common bond known as humanity.  I've learned many lessons over my relatively few years here, and I know that I still have many more to learn in the years to come.

And thou art after the order of him who was without beginning of days or end of years, 

from all eternity to eternity.  

Behold, thou art one in me, a son of God; 

and thus may all become my sons.

-Moses 6:67

I've often wondered about the driving purpose of this mortal earth experience.  I don't pretend to know the full richness of The Fall, The Atonement, or obtaining physical bodies and eternal families, but I do have a personal and motivating understanding of them. The primary answers fit nicely onto a chalk board schematic, but they often leave me with more questions than they answer.  Yes, the Fall started the process, the Atonement rectifies the Fall, and our bodies and families can become eternal.  But why are we here? Why humanity on earth? If God knows the outcome of all things, why not just skip this part and move forward in our assigned heavenly roles?

There are many answers to these questions, some of which I am beginning to slowly understand (line upon line, and precept upon precept), but the one which seems to encompass them all is the concept of unity.

...that they may become the sons of God, 

even one in me as I am one in the Father,

as the Father is one in me,

that we may be one.

-D&C 35:2

This human experience is a lesson in unity - in 'becoming one' - in many ways and on many different levels; uniting our spirits with our physical bodies (overcoming the natural man), becoming one with an eternal companion (becoming one flesh), becoming united with all fellow children of God (building Zion), and being of one mind with God (thy will be done). All other lessons, attributes, and concepts complement and contribute to the unification process: love, forgiveness, patience, prudence, temperance, sacrifice, understanding, learning, humility, endurance, submissiveness, meekness, gentleness, loyalty, trust, faith, hope, mercy, peace and joy are all things we must experience and cultivate in order to become truly unified.

And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man...it must needs be that there was an opposition;
2 Nephi 2:15

Of course, those attributes are often only discovered and refined through difficult experiences.  Opposition and hardship are necessary for growth.

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.

If not so,...righteousness could not be brought to pass, 

neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad.

Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one;

2 Nephi 2:11

But not all oppositional circumstances need be so adverse or contradictory as 'happiness and sorrow' or 'joy and pain'.  Many lessons in unity come from the merging of contrasting and diverse concepts, situations, attributes, and individuals.  Humility is a balance of pride and self-loathing. Men and women are different for eternal purposes.  All relationships benefit from some difference and opposition.  Some of the most intimate and beneficial friendships I've had are with people who appear to be the complete opposite of myself - we balance one another, learning from our differences, pulling towards one another until we grow enough to meet in the middle, each richer for being forced to stretch beyond ourselves to reach that common ground.  It takes two different, opposite, and complete halves to make a whole - separate souls to 'become' one.

One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions.

Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

In filling the pages of this 'Experience in Humanity' I'm going to focus on how my mortal journeyings help me to better understand this concept of unity, of becoming one.  I will share with you, through my thoughts, my experiences, my photos, my quotes and my art, (and yes, occasional boring and overly philosophical ramblings) my strivings to find and understand my God, my other, and my purpose in this beautiful stage of eternal life. And I hope that my sharing will somehow enable your growth and striving as well, and help you to find the many blessings and experiences God has in store for you.

The Greatest Gift

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.

Proverbs 3:5

I was going to write this next post on unity, or the concept of 'becoming one' -something I consider as one of the most important and all encompassing concepts we are meant to learn in this life; but events and experiences over the last week have led my thought processes in another direction.

...nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself...

Moses 3:17

Over the last two years I've thought a lot about the purpose of this earth life.  I know the basics - to obtain a body, to overcome the natural man, to find an eternal companion, to create families, to build Zion - all of which in certain ways relate to the concept of becoming unified, but I've often wondered about the circumstances surrounding this lesson in unity.  Why is it so important that we learn here on earth, and not stay in heaven?  Why the veil? Why must we be physically separated from a Father who loves us so much?  I've never questioned the necessity of agency, or the need for Christ's plan and sacrifice, but why, instead of being so openly near and available, would our Father choose to be physically away from us during such a trying time in our spiritual development?

It's about TRUST.

During recent experiences I've had to learn to exercise a lot of trust - not only in God, but also in others; trust in their intentions, their feelings, their desires, their agency...

The room to grow is one of the greatest gifts you can bestow on each other.  

Allowing, encouraging, even sacrificing so that they can become all that is in her or him to become--

 [such] generosity is the signature of adult love.

-Kate Baestrop

I am completely awestruck at the amount of trust that our Heavenly Father places in us.  This life is not a test, but a gift.  Our amazing Father is taking a step back - restraining his own feelings, desires, and wants to give us the room we need to grow.  He hasn't abandoned us, but is waiting patiently, arms extended on the other side of the veil...

..and thus does the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him.

Mosiah 29:20

His hand is always extended, but never forced.  He waits for us to come to him, even when he can see that we are struggling - he will always reach our reaching, but we must return his gift of trust and use our own agency to take the step that moves us into his waiting embrace.  Trust, faith, hope, and love can cross any distance, penetrate any veil - unite hearts no matter how physically distant.

I know in whom I have trusted. 

2 Nephi 4:19

I have come to a new level of admiration for our Heavenly Father.  Christ made the great sacrifice of Atonement, and God has made the great sacrifice of true agency.  He maintains a difficult balance between heaven and earth - inviting without encroaching, reassuring without overwhelming, guiding without compelling.   He waits patiently for us to come to him, never denying us but always forgiving, even when we deny him; our anger, forgetfulness, ignorance, and mistrust are quickly forgotten once we make the choice to walk into those eternally open arms.

I will trust and be not afraid.

2 Nephi 22:2

In the Bible's topical guide, Trust is listed as: see also Assurance.  To truly trust in someone brings reassurance; comfort and confidence even in times of uncertainty and sorrow.  It is the fuel that feeds hope, the hope that burns brightly within us and lights our souls.  I am so grateful for that wonderful gift, a gift that I have used and abused and often rejected over the years. A gift that I hope to grow to become truly worthy of.

Alive in My Humanity

Every human being is drawn to move forward and learn.

-Kate Baestrup

I apologize for my blog being so empty, in so many ways, for so long.  It has been missing deep and rich content on it's pages as I have been missing the deep and rich content within my life.  The richness is there, but I have supressed it's expression into stagnation.  I, like so many others in this world, have allowed the pressures - both outward and self-imposed - in this mortal life to hinder me. I have let small issues - such as finances, scheduling, career stagnation, and educational postponement - turn into crushing problems.  I have overcompensated in unimportant areas to the point of losing growth in others.  I have allowed myself, in certain ways, to become boring, mediocre, apathetic.  It wasn't until someone very close to me was brave, loving, and honest enough to show me how my lack of growth was hindering his that I was able to truly face the state I had gotten myself into.  His honesty has given me a wonderful gift - the gift of seeing myself through his eyes.

Happiness is a form of gratitude. 

(one that I have been very stingy with lately)

I think that often in this human existence, we forget how much the choices we make affect others - not simply the actions we choose to outwardly make towards them, but also the internal personal choices we make about ourselves.  When we allow our inner-selves to become stagnant, to become stuck in place, to stop growing, we affect the growth of those around us. Our souls are like energy in space, moving, bumping, touching, and merging with others. They can be warm, bright, glowing and life giving like the sun; or they can become dim, empty, lifeless black holes.  I'm tired of wasting space. I want to radiate like the sun.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

 Lately, on the outside, I have been like a rock (yes, another analogy...being a black hole was not enough, I needed to be a rock shell with an internal black hole); sitting and waiting, immovable as the elements passed over me, slowly beating, breaking, and shaping me at their will.   But light is life. And a sun will never be able to live inside of an apathetic and lifeless rock.  Life is an essential part of humanity.  I don't want to be immovable and worn.  I want to be alive and growing, like a tree (yes, now I am a tree with a sunshine soul....) - reaching for the sky, absorbing light, bending with the wind, adapting and changing with the seasons, producing and providing new life, growing with each passing year. I want to smile more, laugh more, love more, enjoy more, grow more, and I want others to do so with me. I want to grow from their sunlight and feed their lives with mine....

...I want to be alive in my humanity.

Therefore it is given to abide in you;

 the record of heaven;

 the Comforter; 

the peaceable things of immortal glory;

the truth of all things;

that which quickeneth all things;

which maketh all things;

that which knoweth all things,

and hath all power according to

wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgement.

Moses 6:61

We are children made to create, born through the loving creation of an immortal and eternally growing Heavenly Father, and when we cease to create we cease to grow.  I have become lax in my creating; in trying and contributing to the growth of myself, my life, and my relationships.  Yes, I have even let my simple blog slowly die.  But no more.  Life is renewed. Changes and chances are given.  The hundreds (okay, maybe dozens) of unfinished thoughts, feelings, observations, and questions I have started to put into words will be completed and posted. I will share with you the things I learn, see, observe, question, know, and really don't know about this wonderful, amazing, and unique human experience called mortality.  I will try to post once a week, starting this Sunday. I can't guarantee the strict regularity of timing or quality of content, but I will try, and instead of berating myself when I don't succeed, I will smile and laugh at myself and post anyway.  I will share some of the internal sunlight I have been so wonderfully blessed with, and hope that you too, will be willing to share yours with me.

Photos courtesy of Luke Hutchison

Wishes and Weather

I celebrated my birthday this last week.

It was a WONDERFUL birthday.

I was able to spend time with the people I love 

doing the things I love most.

To keep things interesting, 

the joyful festivities 

- and travels necessary to them -

were accompanied by some wild weather.

On the day of my birthday, at the end of May, I woke up to this......

......and it continued to snow most of the day.

My flight home was delayed in Denver because of thunderstorms and tornado warnings.  

Here are a few photos of the storm clouds I saw on the flights home...

Semper Fidelis

The Few. The Proud. 

Marine Week Boston 2010

We went to Family Day at Moakley Park during Marine Week here in Boston.  I was very entertained by all of the people around, and Luke enjoyed grilling the marines and inspecting all of the combat equipment. Due to two unexpected circumstances - a dead camera battery and an ironically timed freak hail storm - I don't have any photos of the Silent Drill Platoon.  I was, however, able to get a few good shots of the Marine Corps Band and some wonderfully characteristic onlookers.  Shout out to dad, Chris, and all the other amazing military men in my life!

We don't ask for anything more than everything you've got. 

And we will let you know when you've given it.

You will be measured not by what you have, but by how much of yourself you're willing to give.

Not by your ability to pull yourself up, but by your commitment to stand shoulder to shoulder.

Not by your strength, but by your honor.

You will not be given anything other than the opportunity to prove that you have the courage to stand 
on an impenetrable line of  soldiers stretching 234 years.

Our title is earned, never given.

And what's earned is yours forever.

-Recruitment Manifesto