I have a confession to make...
...but I am not very good at sharing my thoughts and feelings with others...
...correction...
...I used to be not very good at sharing my thoughts and feelings with others.
This is not the blog post I set out to write those many weeks ago, when I first intended on expanding myself by sharing something personal. It has undergone many transformations. It has been many different lengths and had many different purposes. It has been overtly full and completely empty for various periods. It has a times been regretful, reproachful, petty, angry, sad, despondent, happy, futuristic, nostalgic, preachy, repentive, hurtful, loving, reaching, teaching, boring, and joyous. It has undergone several major overhauls in the past few months....much like myself.
My confession?
I have changed.
A lot.
And I like it.
I won't pretend that I've accomplished something great. That I've turned into some well thought out and refined version of myself. That I set out looking to go through the change process... Because that's what it was - a process. A process that is still ongoing. An unwanted and very painful process, but a redeeming one all the same. And one that I will never regret.
It wasn't easy - and at times still isn't - but nothing worthwhile in life ever is. Watching a relationship fall apart is difficult, and letting go of someone can be incredibly heartbreaking. It leaves you feeling indescribably helpless. I will admit that I was occasionally desperate...desperately clinging to something good in my life that was slipping away. It is hard to let go of things we want in this life, especially if those things are perceived as good and bring us joy.
Yes, one year ago I would have said that my life was wonderful. And I would have been perfectly happy if things had continued just as they were. If something is good why risk changing it. Unfortunately hardship - not ease - is what pushes us to strive. And change - not stagnation - is what brings progress.
So, while the last few months have not been easy, they have been fruitful, and my soul is constantly stretching, learning new things...
Change is progress, and positive change is success.
To regret one's own experiences is to arrest ones own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's life. It is no less that the denial of one's soul. - Oscar Wilde
Regret is no longer a word I allow to be associated with the experiences of my life. Sorrow, yes. Regret, never. We are here to learn about ourselves and each other, to partake of life, and every experience - good or bad - only adds to the fullness of our understanding. To appreciate true joy we must also know true sorrow.
There are many things in this life I wish I had done differently. Mistakes I wish I had avoided; decisions I wish I had or hadn't made; actions I wish I had taken sooner; promptings I wish I had listened to the first time... But even with all those wishes, given the opportunity, I wouldn't change anything. Am I sorry for the negative and irrevocable effects of my mistakes? Yes. Am I sorry I had to experience the consequences of my decisions? No.
Why? Because for every perceived loss a mistake cost me, I gained a hundred other blessings. I learned a lot about myself. A lot about others. A lot about relationships. And a lot about God. They say that hindsight is 20/20, and it often is, but whether or not that insight is a saving grace or pit of despair depends on your perspective. Many choose to hinder themselves with the blinding views of regret. I choose to see the progress I've made.
Experiences are unavoidable parts of our lives, and we can choose to turn them into stumbling blocks or to use them as stepping stones. I'm starting to build quite a beautiful staircase...
It is not just the thought that counts.
The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it's not without doubt but in spite of doubt. - Dr. Rollo May
Not long ago I was sitting in the foyer of the Boston LDS temple, waiting for a friend. While waiting I overheard a conversation between a group of older gentlemen standing nearby. One man was relating the story of a Mennonite woman who had converted to the LDS church. She had previously been a writer for the Mennonite newsletter, and after being baptized into the church still continued to receive the publication. Not long ago she had responded to an inquiry a publisher had made in the magazine, asking what the readers thought was the most beautiful word in the English language. Many readers responded with words such as 'love,' 'family,' 'truth,' etc. This woman said that she thought the most beautiful word in the English language was the word "Come."
Think about that word for a minute...
COME
What is it? It's an invitation. An offering to get closer. An outreach of connection. An encouragement. A reason to move towards someone.
Who says it? Anyone can. But the Savior is the most eloquent speaker. "
Come...Come
unto me...Come
with me...
Come by me..."
How is it said? With a soft voice and outstretched arms. With patience. With love. With need. With desire. With urgency. With honesty. With unconditional limits.
The word
come is everywhere in scripture. Especially in the words and life of Christ. It is his offering, and I am working on accepting his invitation, both in my heart and in the actions of my life. (Psalm 40)
Often, we believe that our thoughts - or our intentions - behind our actions and interactions are all that truly matter. It doesn't matter if we hurt someone if we didn't
mean to, or
want to, or
know that we were. But the fact if the matter is- that person is still hurt, whether we meant to or not. And we were the ones who did it. We are also the only ones who have the power to fully rectify it.
S0 I've decided to adopt a new philosophy when it comes to interacting with others-
Consistency. Consistency in thought, word, and deed. I'm no longer going to acknowledge only to myself how I feel about others, but I'm going to tell them and show them. I'm no longer going to think 'I love you' but I'm going to say it, and I'm going to say it with outstretched arms. I am going to invite others to
come, and I am going to do so frequently.
Love is not enough, but it is reason enough.
Can love really travel back in time and heal a broken heart?...I'd like to think so, but there are some things I know for certain: always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can. - Practical Magic
One of my favorite sections of scripture is 3rd Nephi in the Book of Mormon, when Nephi is describing Christ's visit to the people of the American continent after his resurrection. I love studying the details of how Christ interacted with others. And my favorite interaction is in chapter 17-
Christ has just finished teaching the multitude that the Law of Moses has now been fulfilled, and that he now must leave them to do as the Father asks and teach other people in other nations. Seeing that they are tired and having some trouble understanding what he has said, he tells them to return to their homes, ponder his words, and prepare for his returning visit the next day. After speaking he looks again upon the crowd and notices that "they did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them."
No one says anything, but he perceives their needs. What does he do? Does he look at his watch and say he has to go? Does he sigh and roll his eyes? Does he say that he just spent the last few hours explaining why he must leave? Does he say that his other work is more important? Does he deflect responsibility to the Father and say that it is beyond his control?
No. Christ is 'filled with compassion' and asks them if they had any sick among them that he can heal, and he heals them -
every one. He asked them to bring their children and he blesses them -
one by one. He kneels down on the ground with them, and gives such a heartfelt and marvelous a prayer that their souls are so overcome with joy they can not rise afterward. He takes the time to individually minister to
2,5oo people and in the end weeps because his 'joy is full.' He is on his way to do important work that the Father commanded him, and yet he stays behind with these souls simply because they want to be with him.
Because he loves them.
Life is hard. Relationships are hard. And yes, love is not enough to live off of- but it is reason enough to live. Love is reason enough to face the consequences of putting off an important work to humbly kneel in prayer with a needful people. It is reason enough to work hard, to strive, to change, to sacrifice, to give, to try again, and sometimes to let go.
There are many other wonderful lessons I have learned on my journey, but at the moment these are the ones most strongly impressed upon my newly changed heart...
'A broken heart is a hardened heart made pliable again.'
Never regret the things you've learned from your past.
Embrace those who are a part of your present.
Accept the potential that is your future.
And always remember that love is reason enough.
