Renewal: Facing Forward

Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth;
shall ye not know it?
-Isaiah 43:19

New house on top of a hill. New room with large south facing windows. New coat of vintage grey paint with glossy white trim. New earrings. New haircut. New year. New opportunities. New plans. New me.

A new start.

Words that have sown meaning in my life lately....

New: adjective- 

not existing before;
made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time;
different from a recent previous one;
original and of a kind not seen before;
fresh;
just beginning;
reinvigorated, reformed, or restored.

A grateful heart will give you a touch of refinement that can come in no other way. 

- Marjorie Hinckley

The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. 

-James 5:16

Go forward 

and not backward. 

-D&C 128:22

I will seek it yet again... 
For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again. 
-Proverbs 23, 24

If for a while the harder you try,

the harder it gets, 

take heart.    

So it has been with the 

  best people who ever lived.        

- Jeffrey R. Holland

And the rain descended, 

and the floods came,

and the winds blew, 

and beat upon that house;

and it fell not:

  for it was founded upon a rock. 

-Matt 7:25         

She perceiveth that her merchandise 

is good. 

-Proverbs 31:18    

The future 

is as bright 

as your faith. 

-Thomas S. Monson

Sunday Sense(s): Signs and Wonder

"Lai-Lai" & "Jammy"

Airplane flights and time with children are great environments for wonder and reflection.  Some thoughts that have come to mind lately...

~

Unfeigned forgiveness is not dependent on an apology; upon recognition, restitution or the reaching of an understanding.  It is not a compromise or external bargain, but rather a new internal perspective - a change within the viewpoint of your soul.  It is the liberating of your heart from the circumstances of an unfair world, and the choice of freedom from those bonds is dependent on no one else but you. 

 ~

We all face heartbreak and adversity in this life.  The details of our circumstances are simply background - it's the grace, character, and dignity with which we handle them that really matters to the world.

~

And, a recording of a song I performed in American Sign Language....  I love this song, I feel it to my soul.  

I Know He Lives

Happy Sabbath!

The Next Chapter....

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,       

 a pulse in the eternal mind, no less

                   gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;

Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;

          and laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness

                      in hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

                       ~Rupert Brooke, ' The Soldier'

Yes, the next chapter in the memoir of my life is beginning to emerge;

come September, be prepared to be called home... 

London

(For at least 12+ months.....)

My heart awaits you with warm and hopeful anticipation. 

Within

Let us meet together in the house of the Lord,

within the temple...

-Nehemiah 6:10

Went uphill, in the snow, both ways,

to work my first shift today;

so worth it.

...and I esteem it as of great worth...

-2 Nephi 33:3

Rekindling the Flame

Repost of an older post.  But, I'm feeling this way today....I'm glad - I missed it.

Celestial Flame

I feel it.

This exquisite and piercing energy pulsating from the core of my being and into my heart...

reaching, longing, yearning to expand and live through my hands, my fingers, my lips, my voice...

I am staggered by the immense weight of it all;

its vivid and overpowering strength, its invisible yet tangible current, its ambient and explicit illumination,

its longing for life....

It overwhelms me.

I apprehensively welcome its unexpected and familiar manifestation -

for while I tremble underneath its empyrean expectations,

I ache for and thrive under its motivating presence.

I long to embrace it as I am encompassed by it - this divinely driven desire

to create.

It grows and swells, straining the tender walls of my heart, beating so quickly as to render my breath and my voice useless.

I want to scream, or run, or dance, or dive, or sing, or laugh, or spin, or fly, or fall.

I want to draw, or paint, or sculpt into perfection the deep emotions that live and multiply inside the hidden recesses of my soul... to touch, mold, feel, and use my body to connect my eternal self with the elements of this mortal world.

I want to photograph and capture every beautiful moment, element, color, line, shape, and texture

that can reflect its natural light into my lens.

I want my apron dusted with flour, and my hands stained with the vibrant crimson red

of exquisitely ripe pomegranate.

I want to infuse, and flavor, and season, and smell, and blend, and bake, and arrange

every herb, every spice, every grain, every kind.

I want to sew the softest silk, the lightest cotton, the warmest wool.

I want to design the most flattering dress, embroider the coziest quilt,

make the most satisfying meal.

I want to reproduce the look, feel, and taste of my inner core's love;

create tangible touchable things to please, and edify, and succor.

To inspire, and motivate, and invigorate.

To bring new joy and sustain old happiness.

To connect. To merge. To simplify.

I want my creations to give comfort, elicit joy, envelop with pure delight,

and be desirable and delicious to the taste.

I want them to invoke memory and inspire action.

I want to think of something completely new.

Reinvigorate something old.

Mend something broken.

Move something stuck.

Improve something stunted.

Find something lost.

Reunite something torn apart.

Perpetuate something good.

I long to create more creation - to bring enduring eternal souls into this world - to nurture infinite creativity, love, hope, and joy.

It hurts sometimes - this longing to create;

this inability to fully achieve and accurately express the glowing embers that smolder within.

But the desire still burns;
patience gently and prudently blows light into the coals,

and the reward of perseverant fruition is sweet.

And I suppose that's what an eternity is really for -

endless opportunities to fan this celestial flame.

My Heart is Full

Some days we forget to look around us.
Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us.
So caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give.

Look beyond ourselves - there's so much sorrow.
It's way too late to say, "I'll cry tomorrow".
Each of us must find our truth,
we're so long overdue.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change and even though we all can still do more...
There's so much to be thankful for.

And even though the world needs so much more...
There's so much to be thankful for.
-Thankful, Josh Groban

It is said that you don't know what you have until it's gone, and while the deprivation of good things from our lives can make us more keenly aware of the lost treasure's significance, it is often in times of perceived loss that we come to realize the breadth and value of all that we still possess.  As I sit, alone in my new home, the soft glow of the Christmas lights twinkling, reflecting the rich color of the walls; soothing sounds of seasonal instruments subtly winding through the air; dinner plates stacked high with pans soaking in hot soapy water; kitchen chairs circling the living room rug, still warm from their recently departed occupants...my heart is full.

We all face times of heartbreak, but the world is also full of so much good and I am continually in awe of the heart's capacity to feel - not only joy or pain, happiness or sorrow, but many different things - all at once. I stumbled across the perfect word today, to describe the sensation of this paradoxical aptitude: muchness. 

Muchness: n. Greatness of quantity, degree, or extent.

I have been overwhelmed by muchness lately.  The muchness of the goodness that surrounds me, of the kindness of friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers.  While mourning the loss of one love I have come to find a brilliance and extension of love in places I never would have forseen.  My heart is full - sometimes of sorrow, but also of love, of peace, of joy, of contentment, of hope, of healing, of acceptance, of gratitude. 

Thank you. Thank you all for your warmth, your kind words and comforting hugs, your understanding shoulders and patient ears, your unexpected emails and letters and gifts. Even those who knew nothing more than to offer a genuine smile and a caring glance, your small and simple acts of kindness over the last few months have filled the cracks....   The seeds of doubt, the feelings of insignificance and smallness, have been pushed out of the way, and bit by bit the pieces of my soul have come home and its confidence has been restored.  Words will never be able to accurately describe the gratitude I feel - for God, for Christ, for life, for love, for you.  I am truly humbled by all the muchness I've been blessed with.  I only hope I can return the goodness I've been given.

...let your hearts be full... 
Alma 34:27

...and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks... 
Alma 37:37

...behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice... 
Alma 26:11

Reflection

When will my reflection show

who I am inside?

-'Reflection'

Spent some time reflecting, and rewriting my 'About Me/Experiencer' page on this blog....



Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understands, values, and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful, and discarding what is not.

-Virginia Satir

Who am I? is a question I often ponder. Who do I want to be? is something I am constantly striving to figure out. Who I am, of course, is always going to be someone in need of improvement, of learning, of change and growth; but who I am is also someone whose characteristics, knowledge, beliefs, and experiences are hopefully shaping her into the person she ultimately desires to become.

So, Who are you?, you are wondering - I am someone who believes that you should always do what is good, honorable, and right simply because it is good, honorable, and right. I believe that people are the most important things in this world; love is always reason enough; time is more valuable than anything else; happiness is a choice; and that lessons learned and relationships made are the only things we take with us into the eternities. I believe that our bodies are beautiful gifts - awe inspiring vessels that help us express our souls, make connections, forge bonds, and experience the world and eternity to it's fullest. I believe that we should love and respect our parents and learn from children. I know that heartbreak is a necessary part of life, for it keeps our hearts soft, pliable, resilient, and humble. I live for the idea that progression is eternal and there is never an end to creation, growth, and change. I know God is my Heavenly Father, and we are eternal child spirits whom he created an immense universe for. I know Christ is the Savior, who sacrificed himself and experienced every pain and sorrow so we would not have to endure them alone. He is our advocate and comforter. I know we are guided by heaven through the Holy Spirit and everything good and beautiful in this world is a manifestation of God and his love. I know God is love, and His gospel and law are truth - truth is light, light illuminates our lives, and life is a wondrous and incomprehensible gift...one we much too often take for granted.

Who are you becoming? - There are so many things that I am working on - trying to cultivate and make a part of myself. Patience, temperance, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, humility, honesty, kindness, and love are all virtues I strive to adopt and desire to emulate. I hope to be found reliable and trustworthy by those who call me friend. I wish to be everything God and those I love need and want me to be. I want to run and not be weary, and walk and not faint. I want to never tire of learning how to love better, and to always...

...be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.

-Jeremiah 17:8



The Times of Reckoning

"...a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves..." 

- D&C 123:16

I contend with the unexpected and undesired changes in my life, the culmination of which seems so much out of my hands and subject to the choices and agency of others.  Many days my soul feels like a storm tossed ship in the heart of a raging sea, moving at the mercy of the wind and waves that beset it.  I wonder where the Captain is, and like the disciples sailing on the Sea of Galilee, want to cry out in anguish and despair, Master, carest thou not if I perish? Where are your words?  Where is your power to calm the raging sea? Where is your 'Peace, be still.'?

Be assured that there is a safe harbor.  You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you.  Your Heavenly Father--who knows when even a sparrow falls--knows of your heartache and suffering.  He loves you and wants the best for you.  Never doubt this.  While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even other's well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations...Living the gospel does not mean the storms of life will pass us by, but we will be better prepared to face them with serenity and peace.  -Joseph B. Wirthlin

When ships encounter heavy weather, officers are to keep the ship's bow heading into the wind with just enough speed to maintain steering.  If waves strike the ship broadside, heavy rolling occurs, which can cause injury or even capsize the ship. But staying on course and heading straight into the waves is not easy.  Ships seem so vulnerable to the power of the sea--riding up a swell slowly and then plunging down into the next approaching wave with a violent shudder. Can it take this kind of punishment? Will the rudder continue to meet the demand of the wheel's turn? Can it continue on a straight path with the winds continually pitching it back and forth?

I struggle to maintain true to the compass...to find the balance between hope and acceptance, having faith and letting go, staying true and confident in my course and still remaining humble enough to accept the Lord's will and guidance.  I want the storm to be over - to fast forward into the future to when the seas are calm and sunny, and yet I want to turn back, back to where I was before the clouds came in.  I want to be anywhere, anywhere but here in the tempest, caught in the present squall. I know the only true course out of the storm is straight forward, into the waves. I know that in order to be able to accept future blessings, I have to move away from present treasures - but I don't want to. I'm not sure that I'm ready to let go...

Here then is a great truth.  In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire... In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul.  It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God.  In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd. Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. 

There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful.  The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives... This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard... In our extremities, it is possible to become born again, born anew, renewed in heart and spirit.   

If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet... When we pluck the roses, we find we often cannot avoid the thorns which spring from the same stem. Out of the refiners fire can come a glorious deliverance.  It can be a noble and lasting rebirth.  The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid.  There can come sacred peace.  There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. -James E. Faust

Yes, I am struggling...struggling with accepting the losses and changes in my life; but I know who is at the helm and his loving guidance is never to be doubted. There are many things about my life and my future that I don't know, but I do know that I am never alone on stormy seas.  God is my compass and Christ is my comforter, and they will not only lead me to a safe harbor, but make recompense for any suffering along the way.  The tempest is raging and will not be still, but I know in whom I have trusted; and while my heart is in sorrow, and the winds of confusion blow around me, my soul will find peace.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear,  though the earth be removed,

and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, 

though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof...

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved:

God shall help her...

Be still, and know that I am God.

-Psalm 46

Therefore, let your hearts be comforted...for all flesh is in mine hands; 

Be still and know that I am God.

-D&C 101:16

*The Times of Reckoning: Abraham 3:6
* Bow: The front section of a ship or boat.
*Helm: The steering gear of a ship, including the wheel, tiller, or rudder.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

"Ch-ch-changes...turn and face the strain..."

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. -Kahlil Gibran

My apologies for the long absence, especially after what seemed like such a good start for more postings, but I'm afraid you're going to have to indulge me and accept my leave for a little longer.  Life is very full, and filled with many changes at the moment; some difficult, some exciting, some of choice, some of circumstance, some good, and some I'm not sure about yet... But, the only thing that is ever constant in life is change, and the best thing to do is accept if for what it is, embrace the good and joyous blessings that always surround you, and take that leap of faith forward into the unknown.  Life is wondrous, if unpredictable.  Winter is approaching - please excuse me while I take some time to learn serenity through understanding.

The future is bright and full of possibility!  You are all marvelous!

Much peace and love...  Janna

Nevertheless

Child of Light

Mindy Gledhill

Do you ever wonder who you are...

Do you ever wonder as you stare into the stars

where you began and how you got this far

from home.

Have you ever walked along the shore...

Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth.

Did you look inside to see if there was more

to life.

You will never ever stand alone.

You were never called to bear the burdens on your own.

Where there is fear love will take control

and lead you on.

Well there's a dream taking wing, there's a voice that wants to sing,

even in the deepest darkest night.

The torch is raised to the sky and there are hands that hold it high.

You were born to keep it burning bright.

You were made to fly, you were meant to shine,

child of light.

Three years ago, almost exactly, on a sunny Sunday afternoon I sat on this pier reading my Patriarchal Blessing, joined by someone reading their scriptures, later distracted by a small spider spinning a web over the glistening waters edge between us.  Two years ago, at the cold and frozen hour of midnight, I jumped off the edge of this pier into the water holding hands with a wonderful friend in a moment of love and solidarity amidst a time of personal sorrow and heartbreak.  Last year I didn't make it to this pier, but instead was excitedly, anxiously waiting to pick up that first someone at the airport after a long other-side-of-the-world journey.  

This year, as I stood at the water's edge, the bewitching midnight hour come and gone, remembering those moments and that someone...who was somewhere nearby and yet so far away...I wondered: Am I really here again?  I slowly made my way to the far end of the pier, past the place where we sat...past the place where I jumped...to the point where there was only glossy water and silence, lit by the soft haze of moonlight filtering through low-lying clouds.  It was cold, but there was no breeze and the water's surface was smooth and reflective, reverberating the stillness all around.  I lowered myself to to cool planks, sitting on the edge with legs crossed underneath me, elbows resting on inner knees and chin in my hands. There I sat, absorbing and emulating the quiet world that surrounded me.

Again? I wondered as I stared across the water. Really?... Have I really just spent two years wandering in a big circle, only to end up right back where I started? Am I really in the same place, in the same situation - only so much harder this time - again? Comparing the logistics of my life to those of two years ago, it really did seem like I was still in the same place, and in the same up-scaled circumstance, again. I felt much like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day over and over again - only two years later.  I half expected Sonny and Cher to start streaming in the background....

I guess I really am still sitting here...But - I realized as I sat musing over my situation - while I may be in the same place, I am not the same person.  Those two years wandering in a circle have brought me a lot of challenges, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of joy, and a lot of growth.  What two years ago was such a difficult and emotional existence, punctuated by moments of peace, is now - amidst even more complicated and confusing circumstances - a wonderfully peaceful and heartfelt existence, punctuated by only moments of sorrow.  

My heart feels, and occasionally hurts, so much more...nevertheless* it also has a much larger capacity for joy, and happiness, and peace, and love.  It has learned how to give, without expectation of reward or reciprocation.  It has learned how to smile, and laugh, and cry.  It is better aware of those around it, better recognizes their desires and wants, and knows now what it can give to help meet those needs.  It has been broken in the past, and is now broken again, and again, and again...and will continue to be broken as lives and futures move forward; but with each break it has become more malleable - less fractured and fragmented, and more flexible and resilient.  It has become clay in its Master's hands; warm, willing, compliant, yielding, supple, adaptable, impressionable, contrite.  In it's continuing brokenness it has become strong, flexible, and resilient. It can now bend without breaking, move without shattering, change without losing it's integrity.  It has become strong in it's weakness, and what would once maim, now only twinges - and that only for a moment.

Yes, I was sitting in the same place, on the same pier, with the same life status...but I was a very different person with a stronger understanding, and a much stronger heart.  In the end, and in the eyes of God and the people who really love us, it doesn't really matter where we end up or what we can put on a resume - what truly matters is the person we become along the way...

Giving no offence in any thing,

But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses,

In stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings:

By pureness, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned,

By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left,

By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers, and yet true:

As unknown, and yet well-known; as dying, and, behold, we live; as chastened, and not killed; 

As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.  -2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Instead of thinking about where I want to be, I've starting thinking a lot more about who I want to become.  I've been reading Thomas S. Monson's biography, and I think he has the right idea in following the heart of the Savior:

"Whatever way it starts, it ends up with the understanding that he truly loves you.  Not just a glitzy smile and a pat on the back.  He truly loves you, and that makes all the difference." -Elder Scott

"I know of literally no one who has your...personal sensitivity and ability to touch the human, spiritual chords within each of us.  You are a great man, President Monson, and I always feel better about myself when I am in your presence." -Rex E. Lee

"For me, President Monson is like the Savior would be if He were here.  His ministry, his sensitivity to the one is incredible, but so, I think, are his perceptions." -Elaine S. Dalton

"Elder Monson is filled with the pure love of Christ, and he radiates this to others.  People love him because he loves them.  His witness to the world is one of love and understanding." - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball

What an incredible way to fill a biography...  He didn't obtain any high degrees or hold any lofty worldy positions.  His resume is short and simple, but his heart and it's capacity is large and strong.  He loves God, he loves people, and God made sure that didn't go to waste.  I think, that instead of worrying so much about where I need to be going and what I need to be doing, it's more important to focus on getting to know, and recognize, and love God - and my neighbors.  Time spent loving is never wasted, and a willing and resilient heart can be a mighty tool when placed in the hands of Him who knows how best to use it.

*nevertheless - My new favorite word. Topically search it in the scriptures here. I think it's one of God's favorites too, and it's amazingly powerful.

And, for those tired of reading, a few more snapshots from the camping trip to NH:

Help Me to See

Here to Be

-Rachel Thibodeau-

( Listen HERE )

Precious life - every breath is measured by the Captain of my soul.

Precious time - every moment fragile, to brief for me to hold.

Giver of Life. Teacher of Truth. 

What would you have me be?

Oh my Creator help me to shine the light you put in me. 

Help me see...

 What you sent me here to be.

Precious day - every second measured by the Keeper of my heart.

Fleeting stay - every season passes as it fades into the dark.

Father of Light. Maker of Peace.

What would you have me speak?

Oh my Creator help me to find the life that breathes in me.

Set it free...

What you sent me here to be.

Master of mine. Shepherd divine.

I'll follow where you lead.

Oh my Creator help me to shine the light you put in me.

Turn the key..

Set it free...

Help me see...

What you sent me here to be.

Sunday Sense(s): Possibility

A lot on my mind today.

Too much too little formulated to put into words.  

Except these that keep running through my mind...

"I don't need easy. I just need possible."

-Bethany Hamilton

I'm trying to dwell in possibility.

That's where God is.

I do it anyway.

I had found a kind of serenity, a new maturity...
I didn't feel better or stronger than anyone else but it seemed no longer important
whether everyone loved me or not - more important now was for me to love them.
Feeling that way turns your whole life around; living becomes the act of giving.
-Beverly Sills


Anyway

Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building

something from nothing.

One storm can come and blow it all away...

Build it anyway.

You can chase a dream

that seems so out of reach.

And you know if might not ever come your way...

Dream it anyway.

This world's gone crazy

and it's hard to believe 

that tomorrow will be better than today...

Believe it anyway.

You can love someone with all your heart

for all the right reasons,

and in a moment they can chose to walk away...

Love them anyway.

God is great,

but sometimes life ain't good.

And when I pray

it doesn't always turn out like I think it should,

but I do it anyway.

I do it anyway.

You can pour your soul out singing

a song you believe in

that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang...

Sing it anyway.

Yeah, sing it anyway.

I sing.

I dream.

I love.

Anyway.

( Listen )

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give;
not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7

Fear not to do good...
for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap;
therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
 D&C 6:33

Cast not away therefore your confidence, for it hath great recompense of reward.
Hebrews 10:35

*recompense: make amends; compensation or restitution given for loss or harm suffered or effort made

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
D&C 6:6

Sunday Sense(s): Valuable

(Random internet photo....)

Visibility does not equate to value. 

- Howard W. Hunter

I went to church in Harlem, in New York City today.  It was a good day, full of messages that felt particularly addressed to me.  I have struggled recently (and have struggled many times in the past) with finding the value in myself.  It sometimes seems as if my character - my strengths, and traits, and goals, and personality - is not in accordance with what the world sees as valuable, and I have often felt like I am inadequate, or not good enough, or big enough, or amazing enough, or visible enough, or....really....just 'enough'.

Today I heard a story that was shared by Elder M. Russell Ballard in Conference this last May.  While it was originally included in a talk on the joys of service, it struck me in a very different and personal way.....

There is a world of uncertainty, complexity, and confusion. The demands of everyday life can wear us down. How can we free ourselves from this tangled web of challenges and uncertainties to find peace of mind and happiness?

Oftentimes we are like the young merchant from Boston, who in 1849, as the story goes, was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush.  He sold all of his possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them.

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty. His only reward was a growing pile of rocks.  Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit until one day an old, experienced prospector said to him, "That's quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy."

The young man replied, "There's no gold here. I'm going back home."

Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, "Oh, there is gold all right.  You just have to know where to find it."  He picked two rocks up in his hands and crashed them together.  One of the rocks split open, revealing several flecks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

Noticing the bulging leather pouch fastened to the prospector's waist, the young man said, "I'm looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks."

The old prospector extended his pouch toward the young man, who looked inside, expecting to see several large nuggets.  He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold.

The old prospector said, "Son, it seems to me you are so busy looking for large nuggets that you're missing filling your pouch with these precious flecks  of gold.  The patient accumulation of these little flecks has brought me great wealth."

Elder Ballard compares our perspective to that of the miner, but today I felt more like the gold.  I have misspent a great deal of time and energy believing that in order to be valuable - and to be valued by others - I need to be a large 'nugget' of gold.  Those nuggets are are big and easy to find.  They instantly stand out and draw our attention for their obvious size and luster -

But, I am not a nugget.

Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me: but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass, and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. 

- Alma 37: 6

I am a million tiny gold flecks, bulging the seams of my leather pouch.

Those tiny little flecks are often missed and over-looked.  I even brush them aside myself, ashamed of their seeming insignificance - but, for what they lack in size, they more than make up for in number. They may not be the biggest, or the best, or the most obvious, but when placed on a scale the combined weight of all those tiny little flecks adds up.  They have unique and beautiful qualities that shine brightly and can be divided and shared in a thousand different ways - sometimes in ways that one large and heavy nugget cannot.  They don't fit the expectations of  "nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them" - but they are just as precious, only in a different way.  There is value in being visible and obvious, but - I am learning - there is also value in the quiet and subtle strengths of the heart.

(Hymn from Sacrament today...)

School thy feelings, O my brother,

train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

but let wisdom's voice control.

School thy feelings, there is power

in the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason's tower,

makes the clearest wisdom blind.

Noblest minds have finest feelings;

quivering strings a breath can move;

and the gospel's sweet revealings

tune them with the key of love.

Hearts so sensitively molded

strongly fortified should be,

trained to firmness and enfolded 

in a calm tranquility.

That is what I value and strive for, and who I'm naturally inclined to be.   I see the beauty and desire in having a mind so loving and in tune with gospel feeling that something as subtle as "a breath can move" it, and a heart so sensitive yet strong that it can be a calm and safe haven to all who know it.  I may not be the life of the party, but I can be a fountain of life for those around me.  Wisdom, prudence, patience, temperance, diligence, soberness, meekness, humility, brotherly kindness, charity, knowledge, and understanding are all Godly traits that we are admonished to develop. They are qualities that can bring us joyful fulfillment if we understand and cultivate them - a peaceful heart can feel joy, excite happiness in others, and carry a cheerful countenance just as well as a boisterous one.

But godliness with contentment is great gain.

- 1 Timothy 6:6

I am not a nugget....and, I'm okay with that! I am made up of thousands of tiny golden flecks, each reflecting the light off their multiple facets into a shining brilliance. Innumerable and ever growing 'small and simple' glimmers of celestial light, all gathered into a well worn, but useful and familiar leather pouch. That pouch and its contents are meaningful, powerful, and valuable  - just the way they are.

Celestial Flame

I feel it.

 This exquisite and piercing energy pulsating from the core of my being and into my heart...

reaching, longing, yearning to expand and live through my hands, my fingers, my lips, my voice...

I am staggered by the immense weight of it all; 

its vivid and overpowering strength, its invisible yet tangible current, its ambient and explicit illumination,

its longing for life....

It overwhelms me. 

I apprehensively welcome its unexpected and familiar manifestation - 

for while I tremble underneath its empyrean expectations, 

I ache for and thrive under its motivating presence.

I long to embrace it as I am encompassed by it - this divinely driven desire 

to create.

It grows and swells, straining the tender walls of my heart, beating so quickly as to render my breath and my voice useless.

 I want to scream, or run, or dance, or dive, or sing, or laugh, or spin, or fly, or fall.  

I want to draw, or paint, or sculpt into perfection the deep emotions that live and multiply inside the  hidden recesses of my soul... to touch, mold, feel, and use my body to connect my eternal self with the elements of this mortal world.  

I want to photograph and capture every beautiful moment, element, color, line, shape, and texture 

that can reflect its natural light into my lens. 

I want my apron dusted with flour, and my hands stained with the vibrant crimson red 

of exquisitely ripe pomegranate.  

I want to infuse, and flavor, and season, and smell, and blend, and bake, and arrange 

every herb, every spice, every grain, every kind.  

I want to sew the softest silk, the lightest cotton, the warmest wool.  

I want to design the most flattering dress, embroider the coziest quilt, 

make the most satisfying meal.  

I want to reproduce the look, feel, and taste of my inner core's love; 

create tangible touchable things to please, and edify, and succor. 

To inspire, and motivate, and invigorate.  

To bring new joy and sustain old happiness.  

To connect. To merge. To simplify.

I want my creations to give comfort, elicit joy, envelop with pure delight, 

and be desirable and delicious to the taste. 

I want them to invoke memory and inspire action.  

I want to think of something completely new. 

Reinvigorate something old.  

Mend something broken. 

Move something stuck.

 Improve something stunted. 

Find something lost. 

Reunite something torn apart. 

Perpetuate something good.

I long to create more creation - to bring enduring eternal souls into this world - to nurture infinite creativity, love, hope, and joy.

It hurts sometimes - this longing to create; 

this inability to fully achieve and accurately express the glowing embers that smolder within. 

But the desire still burns;

patience gently and prudently blows light into the coals,

and the reward of perseverant fruition is sweet.

And I suppose that's what an eternity is really for -

 endless opportunities to fan this celestial flame.