je ne sais quoi: The Feminine Ideal

In Audrey Hepburn, An Elegant Spirit: a Son Remembers  Sean Hepburn Ferrer included an appreciation piece the brilliant photographer and visual consultant Cecil Beaton wrote about his mother's classic public appeal.

Sean writes:

So much of who she was, of what made her unforgettable, cannot be put into words. So how did she affect people so profoundly?  What chord did she touch? -- It wasn't just the brilliant packaging or the simple yet moving themes of her films.  It wasn't just the talented screenwriters and directors.  It was also what the French wisely call je ne sais quoi ("I don't know what") that came across in between the lines of good dialogue.  It was the speech of her heart and the inflection of pure intentions.

Nobody ever looked like her before World War II; it is doubtful if anybody ever did, unless it be those wild children of the French Revolution who stride in the foreground of romantic canvases.  Yet we recognize the rightness of this appearance in relation to our historical needs.  And the proof is that thousands of imitations have appeared... What does their paradigm really look like?  Audrey Hepburn has enormous heron's eyes and dark eyebrows slanted towards the Far East.  Her facial features show character rather than prettiness: the bridge of the nose seems almost too narrow to carry its length, which flares into a globular tip with nostrils startlingly like a ducks bill.  Her mouth is wide, with a cleft under the lower lip too deep for classical beauty, and the delicate chin appears even smaller by contrast with the exaggerated width of her jaw bones.  Seen at the full, the outline of her face is perhaps too square; yet she intuitively tilts her head with a restless and perky asymmetry.  She is like a portrait by Madiglioni where the various distortions are not only interesting in themselves but make a completely satisfying composite...

Audrey Hepburn is the gamine, the urchin, the last Barnardo boy.  Sometimes she appears to be dangerously fatigued; already, at her lettuce age, there are apt to be shadows under the eyes, while her cheeks seem taut and pallid.  She is a wistful child of a war-chided era, and the shadow thrown across her youth underlines even more its precious evanescence.  But if she can reflect sorrow, she seems also to enjoy the happiness life provides for her with such bounty.

It is a rare phenomenon to find a very young girl with such inherent "star quality."  As a result of her enormous success, Audrey Hepburn has already acquired the extra incandescent glow which comes as a result of being acclaimed, admired, and loved.  Yet while developing her radiance she has too much innate candor to take on that gloss of artificiality Hollywood is apt to demand of its queens.  Her voice is peculiarly personal.  With its unaccustomed rhythm and sing-song cadence on a flat drawl, it has a quality of heartbreak...

In fact, with the passing of every month, Audrey Hepburn increases in dramatic stature.  Intelligent and alert, wistful but enthusiastic, frank yet tactful, assured without conceit and tender without sentimentality... Add to this the remarkable distinction she emanates, and it is not rash to say she also  gives every indication of being the most interesting public embodiment of our new feminine ideal.

- Audrey Hepburn by Cecil Beaton, Vogue, November 1, 1954

Nevertheless

Child of Light

Mindy Gledhill

Do you ever wonder who you are...

Do you ever wonder as you stare into the stars

where you began and how you got this far

from home.

Have you ever walked along the shore...

Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth.

Did you look inside to see if there was more

to life.

You will never ever stand alone.

You were never called to bear the burdens on your own.

Where there is fear love will take control

and lead you on.

Well there's a dream taking wing, there's a voice that wants to sing,

even in the deepest darkest night.

The torch is raised to the sky and there are hands that hold it high.

You were born to keep it burning bright.

You were made to fly, you were meant to shine,

child of light.

Three years ago, almost exactly, on a sunny Sunday afternoon I sat on this pier reading my Patriarchal Blessing, joined by someone reading their scriptures, later distracted by a small spider spinning a web over the glistening waters edge between us.  Two years ago, at the cold and frozen hour of midnight, I jumped off the edge of this pier into the water holding hands with a wonderful friend in a moment of love and solidarity amidst a time of personal sorrow and heartbreak.  Last year I didn't make it to this pier, but instead was excitedly, anxiously waiting to pick up that first someone at the airport after a long other-side-of-the-world journey.  

This year, as I stood at the water's edge, the bewitching midnight hour come and gone, remembering those moments and that someone...who was somewhere nearby and yet so far away...I wondered: Am I really here again?  I slowly made my way to the far end of the pier, past the place where we sat...past the place where I jumped...to the point where there was only glossy water and silence, lit by the soft haze of moonlight filtering through low-lying clouds.  It was cold, but there was no breeze and the water's surface was smooth and reflective, reverberating the stillness all around.  I lowered myself to to cool planks, sitting on the edge with legs crossed underneath me, elbows resting on inner knees and chin in my hands. There I sat, absorbing and emulating the quiet world that surrounded me.

Again? I wondered as I stared across the water. Really?... Have I really just spent two years wandering in a big circle, only to end up right back where I started? Am I really in the same place, in the same situation - only so much harder this time - again? Comparing the logistics of my life to those of two years ago, it really did seem like I was still in the same place, and in the same up-scaled circumstance, again. I felt much like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day over and over again - only two years later.  I half expected Sonny and Cher to start streaming in the background....

I guess I really am still sitting here...But - I realized as I sat musing over my situation - while I may be in the same place, I am not the same person.  Those two years wandering in a circle have brought me a lot of challenges, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of joy, and a lot of growth.  What two years ago was such a difficult and emotional existence, punctuated by moments of peace, is now - amidst even more complicated and confusing circumstances - a wonderfully peaceful and heartfelt existence, punctuated by only moments of sorrow.  

My heart feels, and occasionally hurts, so much more...nevertheless* it also has a much larger capacity for joy, and happiness, and peace, and love.  It has learned how to give, without expectation of reward or reciprocation.  It has learned how to smile, and laugh, and cry.  It is better aware of those around it, better recognizes their desires and wants, and knows now what it can give to help meet those needs.  It has been broken in the past, and is now broken again, and again, and again...and will continue to be broken as lives and futures move forward; but with each break it has become more malleable - less fractured and fragmented, and more flexible and resilient.  It has become clay in its Master's hands; warm, willing, compliant, yielding, supple, adaptable, impressionable, contrite.  In it's continuing brokenness it has become strong, flexible, and resilient. It can now bend without breaking, move without shattering, change without losing it's integrity.  It has become strong in it's weakness, and what would once maim, now only twinges - and that only for a moment.

Yes, I was sitting in the same place, on the same pier, with the same life status...but I was a very different person with a stronger understanding, and a much stronger heart.  In the end, and in the eyes of God and the people who really love us, it doesn't really matter where we end up or what we can put on a resume - what truly matters is the person we become along the way...

Giving no offence in any thing,

But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses,

In stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings:

By pureness, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned,

By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left,

By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers, and yet true:

As unknown, and yet well-known; as dying, and, behold, we live; as chastened, and not killed; 

As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.  -2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Instead of thinking about where I want to be, I've starting thinking a lot more about who I want to become.  I've been reading Thomas S. Monson's biography, and I think he has the right idea in following the heart of the Savior:

"Whatever way it starts, it ends up with the understanding that he truly loves you.  Not just a glitzy smile and a pat on the back.  He truly loves you, and that makes all the difference." -Elder Scott

"I know of literally no one who has your...personal sensitivity and ability to touch the human, spiritual chords within each of us.  You are a great man, President Monson, and I always feel better about myself when I am in your presence." -Rex E. Lee

"For me, President Monson is like the Savior would be if He were here.  His ministry, his sensitivity to the one is incredible, but so, I think, are his perceptions." -Elaine S. Dalton

"Elder Monson is filled with the pure love of Christ, and he radiates this to others.  People love him because he loves them.  His witness to the world is one of love and understanding." - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball

What an incredible way to fill a biography...  He didn't obtain any high degrees or hold any lofty worldy positions.  His resume is short and simple, but his heart and it's capacity is large and strong.  He loves God, he loves people, and God made sure that didn't go to waste.  I think, that instead of worrying so much about where I need to be going and what I need to be doing, it's more important to focus on getting to know, and recognize, and love God - and my neighbors.  Time spent loving is never wasted, and a willing and resilient heart can be a mighty tool when placed in the hands of Him who knows how best to use it.

*nevertheless - My new favorite word. Topically search it in the scriptures here. I think it's one of God's favorites too, and it's amazingly powerful.

And, for those tired of reading, a few more snapshots from the camping trip to NH:

Anyway

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

True Beauty

Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from within her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,
and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.

-Sam Levenson, in a letter to his granddaughter
A favorite quote of Audry Hepburn

A Quiet Mind

"To have a quiet mind is to possess one's mind wholly; to have a calm spirit is to possess one's self. "
-Hamilton Mabie

I am currently in the middle of creating a new blog post, and it is taking me so long to think, process, and produce that I felt bad leaving my fledgling blog 'un-updated' for so long. And so, as I am attempting to utilize my thinking and sharing skills for the next post, I thought I'd pay a little homage to one of my favorite thinkers : Abraham Lincoln. He is an individual whom I truly admire and, like many of my heroes (Jane Austen, Beatrix Potter, Audrey Hepburn, Mother Theresa, and many others.....), lived his life with a quiet dignity. Eloquent and outspoken when necessary, but subtle and humble throughout his life.

"I am rather inclined to silence, and whether that be wise or not, it is at least more unusual nowadays to find a man who can hold his tongue than to find one who cannot." -Abraham Lincoln

I, like he, am 'rather inclined to silence,' and often find myself thinking rather than speaking. I like to observe, absorb, process, and understand... before I open my mouth to share. It can be a strength, but it is also a weakness. I think deeply about many things but openly share few things, and I have often been chastised for keeping my opinion to myself... for metaphorically 'hiding beneath a bushel.'

I will testify before legislature, lobby at the state house, debate morality and politics in class, and express my opinions in meetings... but I prefer to play unobtrusive observer in after dinner conversations. I simply choose to 'pick my battles' - or at least, that's my excuse for not speaking out as much in my private realm as I do in my educational and professional ones, and even then, my voice is not often loud or long. Why say in a page what can be said in a paragraph? Or in a paragraph a sentence? Or in a sentence a word?

(Or, as I'm sure my professors grew tired of hearing/reading: "I already answered that question, I'm not going to repeat myself four times just to fill space and meet a page requirement...")

Sometimes, the quietness comes from the desire to not waste energy arguing with someone I know will strongly disagree with me. Sometimes, it comes from a desire to listen and learn more about a subject I haven't completely formed an opinion about. Sometimes, it comes from a fear of rejection. And, sometimes, it comes from a feeling of inadequacy.

Like images of myself, my personal opinions are not something I show off or share easily. It is what feels like a selfish reach. And so, I am thoughtfully contemplating my next post, diligently working to correctly express in words my musings on a subject deeply rooted in my heart; using you, faithful readers, to stretch beyond myself.