Nevertheless

Child of Light

Mindy Gledhill

Do you ever wonder who you are...

Do you ever wonder as you stare into the stars

where you began and how you got this far

from home.

Have you ever walked along the shore...

Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth.

Did you look inside to see if there was more

to life.

You will never ever stand alone.

You were never called to bear the burdens on your own.

Where there is fear love will take control

and lead you on.

Well there's a dream taking wing, there's a voice that wants to sing,

even in the deepest darkest night.

The torch is raised to the sky and there are hands that hold it high.

You were born to keep it burning bright.

You were made to fly, you were meant to shine,

child of light.

Three years ago, almost exactly, on a sunny Sunday afternoon I sat on this pier reading my Patriarchal Blessing, joined by someone reading their scriptures, later distracted by a small spider spinning a web over the glistening waters edge between us.  Two years ago, at the cold and frozen hour of midnight, I jumped off the edge of this pier into the water holding hands with a wonderful friend in a moment of love and solidarity amidst a time of personal sorrow and heartbreak.  Last year I didn't make it to this pier, but instead was excitedly, anxiously waiting to pick up that first someone at the airport after a long other-side-of-the-world journey.  

This year, as I stood at the water's edge, the bewitching midnight hour come and gone, remembering those moments and that someone...who was somewhere nearby and yet so far away...I wondered: Am I really here again?  I slowly made my way to the far end of the pier, past the place where we sat...past the place where I jumped...to the point where there was only glossy water and silence, lit by the soft haze of moonlight filtering through low-lying clouds.  It was cold, but there was no breeze and the water's surface was smooth and reflective, reverberating the stillness all around.  I lowered myself to to cool planks, sitting on the edge with legs crossed underneath me, elbows resting on inner knees and chin in my hands. There I sat, absorbing and emulating the quiet world that surrounded me.

Again? I wondered as I stared across the water. Really?... Have I really just spent two years wandering in a big circle, only to end up right back where I started? Am I really in the same place, in the same situation - only so much harder this time - again? Comparing the logistics of my life to those of two years ago, it really did seem like I was still in the same place, and in the same up-scaled circumstance, again. I felt much like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day over and over again - only two years later.  I half expected Sonny and Cher to start streaming in the background....

I guess I really am still sitting here...But - I realized as I sat musing over my situation - while I may be in the same place, I am not the same person.  Those two years wandering in a circle have brought me a lot of challenges, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of joy, and a lot of growth.  What two years ago was such a difficult and emotional existence, punctuated by moments of peace, is now - amidst even more complicated and confusing circumstances - a wonderfully peaceful and heartfelt existence, punctuated by only moments of sorrow.  

My heart feels, and occasionally hurts, so much more...nevertheless* it also has a much larger capacity for joy, and happiness, and peace, and love.  It has learned how to give, without expectation of reward or reciprocation.  It has learned how to smile, and laugh, and cry.  It is better aware of those around it, better recognizes their desires and wants, and knows now what it can give to help meet those needs.  It has been broken in the past, and is now broken again, and again, and again...and will continue to be broken as lives and futures move forward; but with each break it has become more malleable - less fractured and fragmented, and more flexible and resilient.  It has become clay in its Master's hands; warm, willing, compliant, yielding, supple, adaptable, impressionable, contrite.  In it's continuing brokenness it has become strong, flexible, and resilient. It can now bend without breaking, move without shattering, change without losing it's integrity.  It has become strong in it's weakness, and what would once maim, now only twinges - and that only for a moment.

Yes, I was sitting in the same place, on the same pier, with the same life status...but I was a very different person with a stronger understanding, and a much stronger heart.  In the end, and in the eyes of God and the people who really love us, it doesn't really matter where we end up or what we can put on a resume - what truly matters is the person we become along the way...

Giving no offence in any thing,

But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses,

In stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings:

By pureness, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned,

By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left,

By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers, and yet true:

As unknown, and yet well-known; as dying, and, behold, we live; as chastened, and not killed; 

As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.  -2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Instead of thinking about where I want to be, I've starting thinking a lot more about who I want to become.  I've been reading Thomas S. Monson's biography, and I think he has the right idea in following the heart of the Savior:

"Whatever way it starts, it ends up with the understanding that he truly loves you.  Not just a glitzy smile and a pat on the back.  He truly loves you, and that makes all the difference." -Elder Scott

"I know of literally no one who has your...personal sensitivity and ability to touch the human, spiritual chords within each of us.  You are a great man, President Monson, and I always feel better about myself when I am in your presence." -Rex E. Lee

"For me, President Monson is like the Savior would be if He were here.  His ministry, his sensitivity to the one is incredible, but so, I think, are his perceptions." -Elaine S. Dalton

"Elder Monson is filled with the pure love of Christ, and he radiates this to others.  People love him because he loves them.  His witness to the world is one of love and understanding." - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball

What an incredible way to fill a biography...  He didn't obtain any high degrees or hold any lofty worldy positions.  His resume is short and simple, but his heart and it's capacity is large and strong.  He loves God, he loves people, and God made sure that didn't go to waste.  I think, that instead of worrying so much about where I need to be going and what I need to be doing, it's more important to focus on getting to know, and recognize, and love God - and my neighbors.  Time spent loving is never wasted, and a willing and resilient heart can be a mighty tool when placed in the hands of Him who knows how best to use it.

*nevertheless - My new favorite word. Topically search it in the scriptures here. I think it's one of God's favorites too, and it's amazingly powerful.

And, for those tired of reading, a few more snapshots from the camping trip to NH: