Dear Santa: Boyfriend Wanted

Well, the Christmas season is here and even though I am busy with papers and seminars and end of term craziness, I have found a little time to get myself into the holiday spirit with Christmas carols and twinkling strands of warm white lights.  As my Christmas list this year is somewhat difficult for Santa’s elves to fabricate in the shop - and isn't listed under Amazon’s super saver shipping items - I figured I would help the old guy out and reduce his pre-Christmas Day work load (and thus increase the chance of wish granting) by placing the outsourcing advertisement myself.

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Boyfriend Wanted
Position has high potential for future promotion.

Must love good food,
remote global destinations,
barefoot kitchen dancing,
Sunday afternoon naps,
and the scent of vanilla.

No particular height, build, ethnicity,
or social/political affiliation required,
but would prefer a kind and considerate
actively God-loving man
between the ages of 28-38.

Personalities similar to
Dick van Dyke,
Bill Cosby,
and Donald O’Conner
are highly encouraged
but others will not be discriminated.

Good dancing skills a plus;
equal consideration will be given for
a willingness to learn,
not taking yourself too seriously,
and the ability to make me laugh in the process.

                                                   Ill-tempers,

stingy tippers,
inconstants,
and temporary thrill seekers
need not bother to apply.

Must be okay with short hair,
companionable silences,
witty banter (aka sarcasm),
smiling while kissing,
and small but meaningful expressions of joy.

Should be willing to accept that future companion
has occasional insecurities,
possesses the ability to change when necessary,
is loyal to a fault,
and will love you beyond all reason.

Likes to attend ballets, kiddy movies, and county fairs,
wears classic heels and fancy dresses,
Keds, jeans and white t-shirts,
and considers make-up an enhancing accessory
but not a necessity.

  Resemblances of
Mary Poppins,
Martha Stewart,
Audrey Hepburn,
and McGuyver have been alluded to.
(Although she doubts the validity of these claims.)

Has a tendency to obsess over birthdays,
a fear of centipedes,
an intense dislike of fennel,
is attracted to anything red,
and listens to Christmas music year round.

You will be subject to experimental recipes,
shower singing,
dinner party hosting,
outbursts of random sidewalk skipping,
and lots of physical affection.

All that’s wanted are forehead kisses,
someone to share experiences with,
a willingness to try,
honesty,
and the opportunity to make your heart smile.

You may have to initially convince
and occasionally remind her
that you really do love her too.

          Address all applications ℅ St. Nicholas, Santa’s Workshop, North Pole. Please post no later 

than December 20th, as he will need time to conduct all relevant Naughty or Nice checks 

and arrange for under the tree delivery by December 25th.

P.S. Don’t despair if you’re not chosen this time around, as experience shows this position may be available 
again in future (although all concerned parties are hoping it won’t be).

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(*credit for inspiration must be given to a stumbled upon post by Matthew Gray Gubler.)