Sunday Sense(s): Desire, Patience, & a Chocolate Chip Cookie

For some random reason - well, maybe not so random - I decided to fast today.  Now, fasting is something that has always been difficult for me, and it's taken me a long time to develop a testimony of its purpose and effectiveness. There have been studies showing its health benefits, and everyone says it's a way to deepen your spiritual studies and improve your prayers...but really, I've just always felt hungry - and hunger is a distraction for me.  My tummy gets rumbly and I get moody.  My blood sugar drops and I get shaky.  I can't concentrate, and focusing and studying gets harder, not better....

The only real control in life is self-control.

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul

I chose to fast today because I had a very important conversation I needed to have with my Heavenly Father.  A conversation about letting go....of control.

As I went through my day I definitely was tempted and distracted in many ways.  My stomach felt empty before I even left the house for church.  It rumbled its way through my meetings, and, for Munch and Mingle afterward they decided to torture me with the smell of popping popcorn and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.  Those cookies looked very good.  Chocolate chip cookies are the one thing I've never been able to perfect in my kitchen.  I love the soft, but not too gooey or cakey versions you see on Martha Stewart Magazine covers.  Mine always turn out cakey, or gooey.  I've tried a million recipes, and I'm not sure if it's the flour or the the relative softness/hardness of the butter, but I've yet to figure it out.  My eyes, and my tummy, were very tempted.  I almost gave in, but, I remembered my reason - and my strong desire to be as prepared as I could for that reason - for fasting, and resisted.  Instead, I decided to wrap the cookie in a napkin and save it for later, after I'd completed my fast.

The next hour or two were occupied by visiting, visiting teaching, and other various Sunday afternoon interactions.  Then, it was time to go home.  I checked the bus GPS system and found I had 11 minutes to walk the few blocks to catch the bus.  A quick switch from stilettos to flip-flops and out the door.  I refreshed the bus tracker on my phone a minute or two after stepping outside, and it said the bus was only 1 minute away!  No way was I going to make it in time.  The next bus wasn't for another 45 minutes, and I could walk home in that time....it was 84* and a half-hour walk - which I had already made to church that morning - but I was getting very hungry, and tired, and just wanted to be home.

So, for a walk I went; past food stands, restaurants, and bakeries - all of which had amazing smells coming from them.

 ....rumble, rumble, rumble.....heat, sun, humidity.....tired, shaky, sweaty.... 

ughhhh.....cookie!  

No.  Important talk with God.  

But it's so hot. 

 But it's only a few more blocks.

It's only food.  

That's right, it's only food.

What's the point - how does this help me anyway?  Can't I sincerely talk to God without fasting?

Well, you're struggling with feeling out of control with your life, and turning control of important things over to God.  He wants you to be patient, but patience and time scare you - especially time over which you have no control.  But, really, you've never had control, you've only thought or felt like you have.  The only thing you have control of  is yourself - your responses and actions to situations in life.  Patience isn't waiting, patience is self-control.  Fasting is an exercise in self-control, a symbolic activity that builds self-mastery skills and confidence in control in otherwise uncontrollable situations.  It helps us to be familiar and comfortable with putting off our immediate desires, distractions, and temptations and learn how to patiently work towards our true and ultimate desires - those that will be the most rewarding.  Fasting builds patience.

I didn't eat my cookie.  I didn't even eat it when I first got home. I arrived home, changed my clothes, chatted with a roommate, carefully made my simple meal, thoughtfully and quietly had my conversation with God, turned all illusions of outcome control over to Him, slowly ate my dinner, AND THEN had my cookie - with a glass of milk. :)

I've been thinking about - and somewhat struggling with - implementing and accepting the principles of desire, hope, faith, and patience.  I understand them logically. I know a lot about them and their purpose.  But, for some reason, I was having trouble fully embracing them in my life and in my heart.  The last few days I've come to realize that is because I have trouble letting go of control, especially control of the outcomes of episodes in my life.  I worry that if something doesn't turn out the way I want it to it's because I somehow failed - because I didn't do something right, or enough, or enough of the right things.... but, in order to fully embrace hope, have patience, find strength in faith, and give God the power to grant the true desires of your heart, you have to be willing to turn control of all circumstances outside of yourself over to him, and have peace in that decision.  Today, fasting made that possible for me.  It didn't answer my prayers, or bring immediate correlated blessings, but I learned that I really do have control - of myself; that patience is active, not passive; and that complete and total trust in God brings not fear for the future, but peace in the hope that we will receive all the desires of our heart.

Here are some great talks on the idea of self-control in patience:

Continue in Patience - Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Desire - Elder Dallin H. Oaks

As well as a list from a talk given by Cecil O.Samuelson of the Seventy, entitled Testimony, from the April 2011 General Conference:

10 Things to Always Remember 

(And that we tend to forget in times of trial or hardship - so don't!)

1)  Everyone has worth because we are all children of God. He knows us, loves us, and wants us to succeed and return to Him. We must learn to trust in His love and in His timing rather than in our own sometimes impatient and imperfect desires.

2)  While we believe fully in the mighty change of heart described in the scriptures (see Mosiah 5:2; Alma 5:12–14, 26), we must understand it often occurs gradually, rather than instantaneously or globally, and in response to specific questions, experiences, and concerns as well as by our study and prayer.

3)  We need to remember that a fundamental purpose of life is to be tested and stretched, and thus we must learn to grow from our challenges and be grateful for the lessons learned that we cannot gain in an easier way.

4)  We must learn to trust the things that we believe in or know to sustain us in times of uncertainty or with issues where we struggle.

5)  As Alma taught, gaining a testimony is usually a progression along the continuum of hoping, believing, and finally knowing the truth of a specific principle, doctrine, or the gospel itself (see Alma 32).

6)  Teaching someone else what we know strengthens our own testimony as we build that of another. When you give someone money or food, you will have less. However, when you share your testimony, it strengthens and increases for both the bearer and the hearer.

7)  We must do the little but necessary things daily and regularly. Prayers, scripture and gospel study, attendance at Church meetings, temple worship, fulfilling visiting teaching, home teaching, and other assignments all strengthen our faith and invite the Spirit into our lives. When we neglect any of these privileges, we place our testimonies in jeopardy.

8)  We should not have higher standards for others than we do for ourselves. Too often we may let the mistakes or failures of others, especially leaders or Church members, influence how we feel about ourselves or our testimonies. Other people’s difficulties are not an excuse for our own deficiencies.

9)  It is good to remember that being too hard on yourself when you make a mistake can be as negative as being too casual when real repentance is needed.

10)  We must always be clear that the Atonement of Christ is fully and continuously operative for each of us when we allow it to be so. Then everything else fits into place even when we continue to struggle with certain details, habits, or seemingly missing parts in the mosaic of our faith.

I hope you all have a beautiful and spirit filled Sunday!  Until next week...