An Experience In Humanity

Sunday Sense(s): Signs and Wonder

2012-02-12T17:08:00.004-05:00

"Lai-Lai" & "Jammy"

Airplane flights and time with children are great environments for wonder and reflection. Some thoughts that have come to mind lately...

Unfeigned forgiveness is not dependent on an apology; upon recognition, restitution or the reaching of an understanding. It is not a compromise or external bargain, but rather a new internal perspective - a change within the viewpoint of your soul. It is the liberating of your heart from the circumstances of an unfair world, and the choice of freedom from those bonds is dependent on no one else but you.

We all face heartbreak and adversity in this life. The details of our circumstances are simply background - it's the grace, character, and dignity with which we handle them that really matters to the world.

And, a recording of a song I performed in American Sign Language.... I love this song, I feel it to my soul.

I Know He Lives

Happy Sabbath!

The Next Chapter....

2012-02-05T19:49:00.001-05:00

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
a pulse in the eternal mind, no less
gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
and laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness
in hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

~Rupert Brooke, ' The Soldier'

Yes, the next chapter in the memoir of my life is beginning to emerge;

come September, be prepared to be called home...

London

(For at least 12+ months.....)

My heart awaits you with warm and hopeful anticipation.

Within

2012-01-21T22:11:00.001-05:00

Let us meet together in the house of the Lord,

within the temple...

-Nehemiah 6:10

Went uphill, in the snow, both ways,

to work my first shift today;

so worth it.

...and I esteem it as of great worth...

-2 Nephi 33:3

Rekindling the Flame

2012-01-04T15:02:00.003-05:00

Repost of an older post. But, I'm feeling this way today....I'm glad - I missed it.

Celestial Flame

I feel it.

This exquisite and piercing energy pulsating from the core of my being and into my heart...

reaching, longing, yearning to expand and live through my hands, my fingers, my lips, my voice...

I am staggered by the immense weight of it all;

its vivid and overpowering strength, its invisible yet tangible current, its ambient and explicit illumination,

its longing for life....

It overwhelms me.

I apprehensively welcome its unexpected and familiar manifestation -

for while I tremble underneath its empyrean expectations,

I ache for and thrive under its motivating presence.

I long to embrace it as I am encompassed by it - this divinely driven desire

to create.

It grows and swells, straining the tender walls of my heart, beating so quickly as to render my breath and my voice useless.

I want to scream, or run, or dance, or dive, or sing, or laugh, or spin, or fly, or fall.

I want to draw, or paint, or sculpt into perfection the deep emotions that live and multiply inside the hidden recesses of my soul... to touch, mold, feel, and use my body to connect my eternal self with the elements of this mortal world.

I want to photograph and capture every beautiful moment, element, color, line, shape, and texture

that can reflect its natural light into my lens.

I want my apron dusted with flour, and my hands stained with the vibrant crimson red

of exquisitely ripe pomegranate.

I want to infuse, and flavor, and season, and smell, and blend, and bake, and arrange

every herb, every spice, every grain, every kind.

I want to sew the softest silk, the lightest cotton, the warmest wool.

I want to design the most flattering dress, embroider the coziest quilt,

make the most satisfying meal.

I want to reproduce the look, feel, and taste of my inner core's love;

create tangible touchable things to please, and edify, and succor.

To inspire, and motivate, and invigorate.

To bring new joy and sustain old happiness.

To connect. To merge. To simplify.

I want my creations to give comfort, elicit joy, envelop with pure delight,

and be desirable and delicious to the taste.

I want them to invoke memory and inspire action.

I want to think of something completely new.

Reinvigorate something old.

Mend something broken.

Move something stuck.

Improve something stunted.

Find something lost.

Reunite something torn apart.

Perpetuate something good.

I long to create more creation - to bring enduring eternal souls into this world - to nurture infinite creativity, love, hope, and joy.

It hurts sometimes - this longing to create;

this inability to fully achieve and accurately express the glowing embers that smolder within.

But the desire still burns;
patience gently and prudently blows light into the coals,

and the reward of perseverant fruition is sweet.

And I suppose that's what an eternity is really for -

endless opportunities to fan this celestial flame.

My Heart is Full

2011-12-28T23:24:00.008-05:00

Some days we forget to look around us.
Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us.
So caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give.

Look beyond ourselves - there's so much sorrow.
It's way too late to say, "I'll cry tomorrow".
Each of us must find our truth,
we're so long overdue.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change and even though we all can still do more...
There's so much to be thankful for.

And even though the world needs so much more...
There's so much to be thankful for.
-Thankful, Josh Groban

It is said that you don't know what you have until it's gone, and while the deprivation of good things from our lives can make us more keenly aware of the lost treasure's significance, it is often in times of perceived loss that we come to realize the breadth and value of all that we still possess. As I sit, alone in my new home, the soft glow of the Christmas lights twinkling, reflecting the rich color of the walls; soothing sounds of seasonal instruments subtly winding through the air; dinner plates stacked high with pans soaking in hot soapy water; kitchen chairs circling the living room rug, still warm from their recently departed occupants...my heart is full.

We all face times of heartbreak, but the world is also full of so much good and I am continually in awe of the heart's capacity to feel - not only joy or pain, happiness or sorrow, but many different things - all at once. I stumbled across the perfect word today, to describe the sensation of this paradoxical aptitude: muchness.

Muchness: n. Greatness of quantity, degree, or extent.

I have been overwhelmed by muchness lately. The muchness of the goodness that surrounds me, of the kindness of friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers. While mourning the loss of one love I have come to find a brilliance and extension of love in places I never would have forseen. My heart is full - sometimes of sorrow, but also of love, of peace, of joy, of contentment, of hope, of healing, of acceptance, of gratitude.

Thank you. Thank you all for your warmth, your kind words and comforting hugs, your understanding shoulders and patient ears, your unexpected emails and letters and gifts. Even those who knew nothing more than to offer a genuine smile and a caring glance, your small and simple acts of kindness over the last few months have filled the cracks.... The seeds of doubt, the feelings of insignificance and smallness, have been pushed out of the way, and bit by bit the pieces of my soul have come home and its confidence has been restored. Words will never be able to accurately describe the gratitude I feel - for God, for Christ, for life, for love, for you. I am truly humbled by all the muchness I've been blessed with. I only hope I can return the goodness I've been given.

...let your hearts be full...
Alma 34:27

...and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks...
Alma 37:37

...behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice...
Alma 26:11

Sunday Sense(s): Whom I Have Chosen

2011-12-18T19:16:00.012-05:00

(I spoke in church today. It always seems to happen during Christmas. I don't mind - I love learning from the the birth and life of Christ. This is the outline to my talk.)

Our Gift to Him...

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here came the wise men from Orient land.

The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,

In all our trials born to be our Friend!

He knows our need—to our weakness is no stranger.

Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!

Who was this child, newly born into the world, unable to speak, to walk, to express himself in anything other than sighs and soft cries; laying in sweet slumber in his mother’s arms blissfully unaware – or was he – of the future before him? What was it about this tiny infant that would cause not only shepherds to abandon their flocks by night, but compel wealthy and wise men to travel long distances just to see him, to stand by his side, and to bring him rare and expensive gifts? Who was this child, whose simple birth in a livestock stable to humble and unknown parents would cause a king enough fear to seek his yet uncompleted life?

I have occasionally wondered what it would have been like to live in the world before Christ came - before the fulfillment of his life, and teachings, and Atonement. Before I could read of his journeys and learn from his example. Would my faith be as strong? Would I be able to believe that my soul and salvation were tied up in the destiny of a small and helpless child? Would I abandon all to come to Bethlehem, not because of the testimony of his excellent life, but merely on the hope that he would grow up to show me the way? And if I did come, what gift could I possibly bring?

While at Christmas we remember the humble birth of Jesus, a blessed event long since passed, our pilgrimage still lies in the future. Christ will come to the earth again. Will I recognize the signs? How can I ever repay him for all that he’s done – meet the price of his ultimate sacrifice? How do I begin to prepare myself to meet him?

Considering all that the Savior has done -- and still does -- for us, what can we do for Him? The greatest gift we could give to the Lord at Christmas, or at another time, is to keep ourselves unspotted from the world, worthy to attend His holy temple. And His gift to us will be the peace of knowing that we are prepared to meet Him, whenever that time comes. - Elder Russell M. Nelson

So what does it mean to remain unspotted from the world? And how could this possibly be gift enough for the Savior of the world?

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. -James 1:27

The dictionary defines Unspotted: as without soil or spot or stain, clean, unblemished, unsoiled, unstained. We live in a world full of dirt, and poverty, and temptation. The number of potential spots and blemishes, and the ways to acquire them, are too numerous to count. How do we remain clean amidst such things? How do we stay in the world without being of the world?

Recently I have come to better understand the significance and importance of one of God’s greatest and yet simplest of gifts – the gift of agency.

If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world…I have chosen you out of the world…- John 15:19

One of the qualities used to describe God’s “chosen” generation is that they are “bought with a price.”

Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men. -1 Corinthians 7:23

For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. -1 Corinthians 6:20

God sacrificed his Son for us, so that we might be happy and find joy in this life and the next. The Savior paid the ultimate price for our salvation, with both his body and his spirit. They own us - the Atonement has already been made and we have been "bought with [an unimaginable] price." But, the gift of agency and our responsibility to 'choose for ourselves' is such an important part of the plan, and so vitally important to them, that throughout our mortal experience they let us choose and make our own decisions.

There has been a day of calling, but the time has come for a day of choosing; and let those be chosen that are worthy. -D&C 105:35

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose... -2 Nephi 2:27

God and Christ will not interfere – they will love, invite, plead, welcome, and patiently wait with outstretched arms, yes – but they will never interfere with our ability to choose. I can't even begin to imagine the pain or the sacrifice God and the Savior have gone through for us, or the deepness of the love they have. How much it must hurt them when we choose another path - when we choose to walk away from them after all they've already done and all the love and blessings they still have to offer. If anyone has a right to be angry and revile against the decisions we make it would be them...but with all the pain we cause them they continue to love us, and to let us make our own choices – even when that choice is to walk away.

The gift of agency is so powerful…and yet, I think we – or at least I – forget that the Savior himself was born into the world with agency. His life was a life full of choices. He not only gives us the gift, but shows us how to use it to its fullest. When comparing myself to Christ and his example I often feel inadequate, insufficient, stained, and spotted – anything but clean and perfect. But that is the beauty of the Atonement – no stain or blemish is so set that it can’t be removed. God in his mercy, and Christ in his love, provided a way for us to repent, to change, and to choose again. Even in our darkest moments, in our most troubling and confusing times, the power of our agency never leaves us – as Elder Jeffery R. Holland said “The only real control in life is self-control”. While our worldly circumstances may be out of our control, we always have the power to choose where our heart lies.

Christ was born in an animal stall, wrapped in rags in a bed of hay. He grew in a carpenter’s shadow, splinters in his hands and sawdust in his hair. He walked long desert roads with blackened, cracked, and callused feet. He sat in dirt with beggars and touched the wounds of lepers. He was reviled by strangers and betrayed by friends. He was threatened, taunted, and spit upon. His back was lashed, his head was pricked by thorns, his hands and feet were pierced, and his side was run through. His body was worn out by use in the world but his heart was never lost. Christ chose to walk those paths, he chose to heal, he chose to feed, he chose to love, he chose to forgive. The son of God, whose word was powerful enough to move mountains…chose instead to carry a cross. In every experience in his mortal life – experiences which broke his body and his heart – in a world that feels justified in its bitterness, anger, and strife he chose instead to keep his heart open, soft, and pliable. He chose to love his enemies and die for his friends. In his agony in the garden he chose to bear the cross, and on the cross he chose to forgive his persecutors, even as they were crucifying him. Christ, in the fulfillment of his ministry, chose us.

So, what gift do we bring to the Christ-child at this or any time of the year? It is not one of gold, or frankincense, or myrrh – it is the gift of a broken heart and a contrite spirit; the gift of a willing mind and dedicated life. We exercise our agency and give him the gift of our choice: We choose to keep the spots and stains of the world from setting; we choose longsuffering, and patience, and forgiveness; we choose to love. We choose him.

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His Gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother

And in His Name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy Name!

Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever!

His power and glory evermore proclaim!

Reflection

2011-11-30T15:44:00.003-05:00

When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
-'Reflection'

Spent some time reflecting, and rewriting my 'About Me/Experiencer' page on this blog....

Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understands, values, and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful, and discarding what is not.
-Virginia Satir

Who am I? is a question I often ponder. Who do I want to be? is something I am constantly striving to figure out. Who I am, of course, is always going to be someone in need of improvement, of learning, of change and growth; but who I am is also someone whose characteristics, knowledge, beliefs, and experiences are hopefully shaping her into the person she ultimately desires to become.

So, Who are you?, you are wondering - I am someone who believes that you should always do what is good, honorable, and right simply because it is good, honorable, and right. I believe that people are the most important things in this world; love is always reason enough; time is more valuable than anything else; happiness is a choice; and that lessons learned and relationships made are the only things we take with us into the eternities. I believe that our bodies are beautiful gifts - awe inspiring vessels that help us express our souls, make connections, forge bonds, and experience the world and eternity to it's fullest. I believe that we should love and respect our parents and learn from children. I know that heartbreak is a necessary part of life, for it keeps our hearts soft, pliable, resilient, and humble. I live for the idea that progression is eternal and there is never an end to creation, growth, and change. I know God is my Heavenly Father, and we are eternal child spirits whom he created an immense universe for. I know Christ is the Savior, who sacrificed himself and experienced every pain and sorrow so we would not have to endure them alone. He is our advocate and comforter. I know we are guided by heaven through the Holy Spirit and everything good and beautiful in this world is a manifestation of God and his love. I know God is love, and His gospel and law are truth - truth is light, light illuminates our lives, and life is a wondrous and incomprehensible gift...one we much too often take for granted.

Who are you becoming? - There are so many things that I am working on - trying to cultivate and make a part of myself. Patience, temperance, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, humility, honesty, kindness, and love are all virtues I strive to adopt and desire to emulate. I hope to be found reliable and trustworthy by those who call me friend. I wish to be everything God and those I love need and want me to be. I want to run and not be weary, and walk and not faint. I want to never tire of learning how to love better, and to always...

...be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.
-Jeremiah 17:8

The Times of Reckoning

2011-11-26T11:14:00.006-05:00

"...a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves..."

- D&C 123:16

I contend with the unexpected and undesired changes in my life, the culmination of which seems so much out of my hands and subject to the choices and agency of others. Many days my soul feels like a storm tossed ship in the heart of a raging sea, moving at the mercy of the wind and waves that beset it. I wonder where the Captain is, and like the disciples sailing on the Sea of Galilee, want to cry out in anguish and despair, Master, carest thou not if I perish? Where are your words? Where is your power to calm the raging sea? Where is your 'Peace, be still.'?

Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father--who knows when even a sparrow falls--knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even other's well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations...Living the gospel does not mean the storms of life will pass us by, but we will be better prepared to face them with serenity and peace. -Joseph B. Wirthlin

When ships encounter heavy weather, officers are to keep the ship's bow heading into the wind with just enough speed to maintain steering. If waves strike the ship broadside, heavy rolling occurs, which can cause injury or even capsize the ship. But staying on course and heading straight into the waves is not easy. Ships seem so vulnerable to the power of the sea--riding up a swell slowly and then plunging down into the next approaching wave with a violent shudder. Can it take this kind of punishment? Will the rudder continue to meet the demand of the wheel's turn? Can it continue on a straight path with the winds continually pitching it back and forth?

I struggle to maintain true to the compass...to find the balance between hope and acceptance, having faith and letting go, staying true and confident in my course and still remaining humble enough to accept the Lord's will and guidance. I want the storm to be over - to fast forward into the future to when the seas are calm and sunny, and yet I want to turn back, back to where I was before the clouds came in. I want to be anywhere, anywhere but here in the tempest, caught in the present squall. I know the only true course out of the storm is straight forward, into the waves. I know that in order to be able to accept future blessings, I have to move away from present treasures - but I don't want to. I'm not sure that I'm ready to let go...

Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire... In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd. Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting.

There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives... This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard... In our extremities, it is possible to become born again, born anew, renewed in heart and spirit.

If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet... When we pluck the roses, we find we often cannot avoid the thorns which spring from the same stem. Out of the refiners fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. -James E. Faust

Yes, I am struggling...struggling with accepting the losses and changes in my life; but I know who is at the helm and his loving guidance is never to be doubted. There are many things about my life and my future that I don't know, but I do know that I am never alone on stormy seas. God is my compass and Christ is my comforter, and they will not only lead me to a safe harbor, but make recompense for any suffering along the way. The tempest is raging and will not be still, but I know in whom I have trusted; and while my heart is in sorrow, and the winds of confusion blow around me, my soul will find peace.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth be removed,
and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled,
though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof...
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved:
God shall help her...
Be still, and know that I am God.

-Psalm 46

Therefore, let your hearts be comforted...for all flesh is in mine hands;
Be still and know that I am God.

-D&C 101:16

*The Times of Reckoning: Abraham 3:6
* Bow: The front section of a ship or boat.
*Helm: The steering gear of a ship, including the wheel, tiller, or rudder.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

2011-10-19T22:11:00.000-04:00

"Ch-ch-changes...turn and face the strain..."

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. -Kahlil Gibran

My apologies for the long absence, especially after what seemed like such a good start for more postings, but I'm afraid you're going to have to indulge me and accept my leave for a little longer. Life is very full, and filled with many changes at the moment; some difficult, some exciting, some of choice, some of circumstance, some good, and some I'm not sure about yet... But, the only thing that is ever constant in life is change, and the best thing to do is accept if for what it is, embrace the good and joyous blessings that always surround you, and take that leap of faith forward into the unknown. Life is wondrous, if unpredictable. Winter is approaching - please excuse me while I take some time to learn serenity through understanding.

The future is bright and full of possibility! You are all marvelous!

Much peace and love... Janna

Nevertheless

2011-09-19T21:23:00.015-04:00

Child of Light

Mindy Gledhill

Do you ever wonder who you are...

Do you ever wonder as you stare into the stars

where you began and how you got this far

from home.

Have you ever walked along the shore...

Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth.

Did you look inside to see if there was more

to life.

You will never ever stand alone.

You were never called to bear the burdens on your own.

Where there is fear love will take control

and lead you on.

Well there's a dream taking wing, there's a voice that wants to sing,

even in the deepest darkest night.

The torch is raised to the sky and there are hands that hold it high.

You were born to keep it burning bright.

You were made to fly, you were meant to shine,

child of light.

Three years ago, almost exactly, on a sunny Sunday afternoon I sat on this pier reading my Patriarchal Blessing, joined by someone reading their scriptures, later distracted by a small spider spinning a web over the glistening waters edge between us. Two years ago, at the cold and frozen hour of midnight, I jumped off the edge of this pier into the water holding hands with a wonderful friend in a moment of love and solidarity amidst a time of personal sorrow and heartbreak. Last year I didn't make it to this pier, but instead was excitedly, anxiously waiting to pick up that first someone at the airport after a long other-side-of-the-world journey.

This year, as I stood at the water's edge, the bewitching midnight hour come and gone, remembering those moments and that someone...who was somewhere nearby and yet so far away...I wondered: Am I really here again? I slowly made my way to the far end of the pier, past the place where we sat...past the place where I jumped...to the point where there was only glossy water and silence, lit by the soft haze of moonlight filtering through low-lying clouds. It was cold, but there was no breeze and the water's surface was smooth and reflective, reverberating the stillness all around. I lowered myself to to cool planks, sitting on the edge with legs crossed underneath me, elbows resting on inner knees and chin in my hands. There I sat, absorbing and emulating the quiet world that surrounded me.

Again? I wondered as I stared across the water. Really?... Have I really just spent two years wandering in a big circle, only to end up right back where I started? Am I really in the same place, in the same situation - only so much harder this time - again? Comparing the logistics of my life to those of two years ago, it really did seem like I was still in the same place, and in the same up-scaled circumstance, again. I felt much like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day over and over again - only two years later. I half expected Sonny and Cher to start streaming in the background....

I guess I really am still sitting here...But - I realized as I sat musing over my situation - while I may be in the same place, I am not the same person. Those two years wandering in a circle have brought me a lot of challenges, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of joy, and a lot of growth. What two years ago was such a difficult and emotional existence, punctuated by moments of peace, is now - amidst even more complicated and confusing circumstances - a wonderfully peaceful and heartfelt existence, punctuated by only moments of sorrow.

My heart feels, and occasionally hurts, so much more...nevertheless* it also has a much larger capacity for joy, and happiness, and peace, and love. It has learned how to give, without expectation of reward or reciprocation. It has learned how to smile, and laugh, and cry. It is better aware of those around it, better recognizes their desires and wants, and knows now what it can give to help meet those needs. It has been broken in the past, and is now broken again, and again, and again...and will continue to be broken as lives and futures move forward; but with each break it has become more malleable - less fractured and fragmented, and more flexible and resilient. It has become clay in its Master's hands; warm, willing, compliant, yielding, supple, adaptable, impressionable, contrite. In it's continuing brokenness it has become strong, flexible, and resilient. It can now bend without breaking, move without shattering, change without losing it's integrity. It has become strong in it's weakness, and what would once maim, now only twinges - and that only for a moment.

Yes, I was sitting in the same place, on the same pier, with the same life status...but I was a very different person with a stronger understanding, and a much stronger heart. In the end, and in the eyes of God and the people who really love us, it doesn't really matter where we end up or what we can put on a resume - what truly matters is the person we become along the way...

Giving no offence in any thing,

But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses,

In stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings:

By pureness, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned,

By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left,

By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers, and yet true:

As unknown, and yet well-known; as dying, and, behold, we live; as chastened, and not killed;

As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things. -2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Instead of thinking about where I want to be, I've starting thinking a lot more about who I want to become. I've been reading Thomas S. Monson's biography, and I think he has the right idea in following the heart of the Savior:

"Whatever way it starts, it ends up with the understanding that he truly loves you. Not just a glitzy smile and a pat on the back. He truly loves you, and that makes all the difference." -Elder Scott

"I know of literally no one who has your...personal sensitivity and ability to touch the human, spiritual chords within each of us. You are a great man, President Monson, and I always feel better about myself when I am in your presence." -Rex E. Lee

"For me, President Monson is like the Savior would be if He were here. His ministry, his sensitivity to the one is incredible, but so, I think, are his perceptions." -Elaine S. Dalton

"Elder Monson is filled with the pure love of Christ, and he radiates this to others. People love him because he loves them. His witness to the world is one of love and understanding." - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball

What an incredible way to fill a biography... He didn't obtain any high degrees or hold any lofty worldy positions. His resume is short and simple, but his heart and it's capacity is large and strong. He loves God, he loves people, and God made sure that didn't go to waste. I think, that instead of worrying so much about where I need to be going and what I need to be doing, it's more important to focus on getting to know, and recognize, and love God - and my neighbors. Time spent loving is never wasted, and a willing and resilient heart can be a mighty tool when placed in the hands of Him who knows how best to use it.

*nevertheless - My new favorite word. Topically search it in the scriptures here. I think it's one of God's favorites too, and it's amazingly powerful.

And, for those tired of reading, a few more snapshots from the camping trip to NH:

Memorials, Mud, and Puff Pastry

2011-09-14T23:12:00.006-04:00

Ok. Time to play a brief catch up:

Life has been busy these last few weeks, and I have so much to post about....but, you're going to have to wait until next week - after I get back from an upcoming weekend camping trip. :)

A short mention of a few things that have happened recently though. (And make sure you read to the end. I have some exciting - well, exciting for me anyway - news!) I've had the wonderful opportunity to help volunteer a few times over the last week. Please excuse the poor quality of the photos, as they were taken with my - sometimes mud smeared - phone.

This last Sunday I spent the afternoon at the Hatch Shell helping with the 9-11 Memorial Concert, where I placed several hundred entrance bracelets on several hundred wrists. The Boston Pops played with the Boston Children's Choir, as well as a number of wonderful and uplifting guest artists. It was a lovely way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon.

And two weekends ago I was in Bethel, VT, a small town that was hit hard by floods caused by rainfall from Hurricane Irene. I - and many others - spent the day filling, hauling, emptying, and refilling buckets of river mud from the basement of an elderly couple's home. They had lived in the house for over 40 years. What was once a grassy and green backyard was now a sinkhole, and what was once a basement filled with tools and memories was now a mucky riverbed. The cleanup will take several months (and isn't being helped by the additional rainfall we've had) and I'm planning on going back in a few weeks to see what more can be done...

And last but not least...

Da da da da!

Starting next week I will be hosting a new blog in addition to this one. A blog dedicated solely to food, and my love of doing creative things with it. It's been a project long in the making, but I believe I've finally adopted a system where I can make and record - and actually remember to take photos before the food disappears - recipes often enough to keep the blog posted regularly. It will also include a number of kitchen and cooking tips, as well as other fun related culinary and flavory things.

And, just to get things started, here is a little sample of something I made for dinner the other night:

Spring mix and arugula salad, with maple roasted butternut squash, pan seared sea scallops, cranberries, pecans, and apple cider vinaigrette. Served with whole wheat flat bread drizzled with olive oil and crushed sea salt.

And for dessert a poached raspberry pear stuffed puff pastry with vanilla bean ice cream and homemade dark chocolate sauce.

Are you anxiously awaiting next week? Good! Get excited for the new food blog and some great new posts on this one, which may or may not include flaming cars, bull-riding, giant zucchini, and adorable flower girls.

Help Me to See

2011-09-09T00:41:00.003-04:00

Here to Be

-Rachel Thibodeau-

( Listen HERE )

Precious life - every breath is measured by the Captain of my soul.

Precious time - every moment fragile, to brief for me to hold.

Giver of Life. Teacher of Truth.

What would you have me be?

Oh my Creator help me to shine the light you put in me.

Help me see...

What you sent me here to be.

Precious day - every second measured by the Keeper of my heart.

Fleeting stay - every season passes as it fades into the dark.

Father of Light. Maker of Peace.

What would you have me speak?

Oh my Creator help me to find the life that breathes in me.

Set it free...

What you sent me here to be.

Master of mine. Shepherd divine.

I'll follow where you lead.

Oh my Creator help me to shine the light you put in me.

Turn the key..

Set it free...

Help me see...

What you sent me here to be.

Allie - Mini Me

2011-08-30T21:15:00.001-04:00

Meet my niece, Allie.

This was the first time I met her. She turned 5 months old while I was visiting. She is very tiny, and still wears newborn sizes (well, almost wears newborn clothes, they are still too big for her!). She's very much like me, and as my family was going through old childhood photo albums, they said they couldn't believe how much she looks like I did as a baby. Well - except for the ears - she's a lighter version of infant me!

Unfortunately I only have one photo of my childhood self in my possession for comparison, and it's not quite accurate as we're not the same age/weight or making the same expression in the photos...but maybe it's close enough. What do you think?

It's there...I guess it's just one of those things that's hard to capture on film. :) Apologies for the short posting! I've been busy/out of town, and I'm leaving to go out of town again, so you probably won't get any more updates until the beginning of next week - but don't worry, I've got memory cards full of great photo time I've been having on my trips! Lots of catching up to do....

Sunday Sense(s): Read it.

2011-08-15T23:36:00.014-04:00

I realize it's late Monday and not Sunday, and I do hope you'll forgive me for being a little tardy in the Sunday Sense(s) posting as I had a very busy weekend - evidence of which I'll post later. I do have a few Sunday thoughts I've been working on, but have decided instead to share the words of another (much greater than I).

This is one of the most truthful, amazing, blunt, inspiring,

and perspective changing speeches I have ever read.

It was given by Neal A. Maxwell at a BYU Fireside in 1974, but reads like it was written just yesterday, just for you. Initially I was just going to copy and paste the phrases that struck me, but found that was pretty much every paragraph, so I decided to include it in its entirety. You'll be able to get what you need out of it - instead of only what I did - this way anyway.

It will take you a minute to get through, but don't skim - it is long; but very rich, and very deep, and very relevant. Split it into different sections to read at different times if you need to. I read it through online a few times, and am now working my way through a print copy with a highlighter, a notebook, and a pen. (Here is the link to the BYU speeches archive, where you can read it online -http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=6066 ; or dowload the pdf or mp3 for free - http://speeches.byu.edu/index.php?act=viewitem&id=1022) Read it. It's worth it.

But for a Small Moment

Neal A. Maxwell

I am delighted to be with you tonight, my brothers and sisters, to partake of the spirit that is here and of that marvelous music. I wish you knew how much as a generation you inspire those of us who have the privilege of working with you. I want you to know that I regard you highly--collectively and all here whom I know individually–and have great expectations for you. The highest compliment I can pay to you is that God has placed you here and now at this time to serve in his kingdom; so much is about to happen in which you will be involved and concerning which you will have some great influence.

It is because you will face some remarkable challenges in your time; it is because the Church has ceased to be in the eyes of men a mere cultural oddity in the Mountain West and is now, therefore, a global church--a light which can no longer be hid; it is because you have a rendezvous with destiny that will involve some soul stretching and some pain that I have chosen to speak to you tonight about the implications of two things we accept sometimes quite casually. These realities are that God loves us and, loving us, has placed us here to cope with challenges which he will place before us. I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face. I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us. He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know. He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like. And this will require us to accept with all our hearts--particularly your generation--the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives and that you have rendezvous to keep, individually and collectively.

God knows even now what the future holds for each of us. In one of his revelations these startling words appear, as with so many revelations that are too big, I suppose, for us to manage fully: "In the presence of God, . . . all things . . . are manifest, past, present, and future, and are continually before the Lord" (D&130:7). The future "you" is before him now. He knows what it is he wishes to bring to pass in your life. He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve. Now, this will require us to believe in that divine design and at times to accept the truth which came to Joseph Smith wherein he was reminded that his suffering would be "but a small moment" (D&C 121:7). I'd like to talk to you about some of those small moments that will come your way in life and that come to each of us.

Let me begin by reminding you that we so blithely say in the Church that life is a school, a testing ground. It is true, even though it is trite. What we don't accept are the implications of that true teaching--at least as fully as we should. One of the implications is that the tests that we face are real. They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs. They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively.

The Lessons of the Atonement

Christ on the cross gave out the cry "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" That cry on the cross is an indication that the very best of our Father's children found the trials so real, the tests so exquisite and so severe, that he cried out--not in doubt of his Father's reality, but wondering "why" at that moment of agony--for Jesus felt so alone. James Talmage advises us that in ways you and I cannot understand, God somehow withdrew his immediate presence from the Son so that Jesus Christ's triumph might be truly complete.

From Gethsemane and Calvary there are many lessons we need to apply to our own lives. We, too, at times may wonder if we have been forgotten and forsaken. Hopefully, we will do as the Master did and acknowledge that God is still there and never doubt that sublime reality–even though we may wonder and might desire to avoid some of life's experiences. We may at times, if we are not careful, try to pray away pain or what seems like an impending tragedy, but which is, in reality, an opportunity. We must do as Jesus did in that respect--also preface our prayers by saying, "If it be possible," let the trial pass from us--by saying, "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt," and bowing in a sense of serenity to our Father in heaven's wisdom, because at times God will not be able to let us pass by a trial or a challenge. If we were allowed to bypass certain trials, everything that had gone on up to that moment in our lives would be wiped out. It is because he loves us that at times he will not intercede as we may wish him to. That, too, we learn from Gethsemane and from Calvary.

It is interesting to me, brothers and sisters, to note that among the qualities of a saint is the capacity to develop patience and to cope with the things that life inflicts upon us. That capacity brings together two prime attributes--patience and endurance. These are qualities, in the process of giving service to mankind that most people reject or undervalue. Most people would gladly serve mankind if somehow they could get it over with once, preferably with applause and recognition. But, for the sake of righteousness, to endure, to be patient in the midst of affliction, in the midst of being misunderstood, and in the midst of suffering--that is sainthood!

I am struck quite forcibly by the idea that no man has yet become President of the church of him who suffered so much who has not himself undergone some special challenges previous to that moment. The challenges vary from President to President, but the ways in which these men have coped with these challenges are strikingly similar.

If we use Jesus as a model in the midst of the suffering about which we're speaking, then it is also noteworthy that even in the midst of his exquisite agony he managed to have compassion for those nearby who were then suffering much, though much less than he--those on the adjoining crosses or about him below the cross. How marvelous it is when we see people who are not so swallowed up in their own suffering that they cannot still manage sympathy, even empathy, for those who suffer far, far less. How many of us here may have undergone the embarrassment of being comforted by those who had more reason to be comforted than we? Yet we recognize in that act of theirs a saintliness to which we would so gladly aspire.

If we at times wonder if our own agendum for life deliver to us challenges that seem unique, it would be worth our remembering that, when we feel rejected, we are members of the church of him who was most rejected by his very own with no cause for rejection. If at times we feel manipulated, we are disciples of him whom the establishment of his day sought to manipulate. If we at times feel unappreciated, we are worshipers of him who gave to us the Atonement--that marvelous, selfless act, the central act of all human history--unappreciated, at least fully, even among those who gathered about his feet while the very process of the Atonement was underway. If we sometimes feel misunderstood by those about us, even those we minister to, so did he, much more deeply and pervasively than we. And if we love and there is no reciprocity for our love, we worship him who taught us and showed us love that is unconditional, for we must love even when there is no reciprocity.

Most of our suffering, brothers and sisters, actually comes because of our sins and not because of our nobility. Isn't it marvelous that Jesus Christ, who did not have to endure that kind of suffering because he was sin-free, nevertheless took upon himself the sins of all of us and experienced an agony so exquisite we cannot comprehend it? I don't know how many people have lived on the earth for sure, but demographers say between 30 and 67 billion. If you were to collect the agony for your own sins and I for mine, and multiply it by that number, we can only shudder at what the sensitive, divine soul of Jesus must have experienced in taking upon himself the awful arithmetic of the sins of all of us--an act which he did selflessly and voluntarily. If it is also true (in some way we don't understand) that the cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy, how infinitely greater Jesus' capacity for joy, when he said, after his resurrection, "Behold, my joy is full." How very, very full, indeed, his joy must have been!

I should like, therefore, to speak to you on the premise that it is a part of discipleship for us to be prepared for the kind of rigors that Jesus always leveled his disciples. He said, "My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom" (D&C 136:31). That is hard doctrine. Peter made it even more rigorous. Peter didn't want us to take any credit upon ourselves for the suffering we endure because of our own mistakes. He was willing to see us take credit for the suffering we endure because of discipleship, but not because of our own stupidity or our own sin (1 Peter 2:20). Then Moroni reminded us, "For ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" (Ether 12:6). That's the rigorous path of discipleship, brothers and sisters, about which I wish to speak at least in this one dimension tonight, giving you some examples, if I may.

If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us out of this world, even though we are not of it. In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore, not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us. What, therefore, may seem now to be mere unconnected pieces of tile will someday, when we look back, take form and pattern, and we will realize that God was making a mosaic. For there is in each of our lives this kind of divine design, this pattern, this purpose that is in the process of becoming, which is continually before the Lord but which for us, looking forward, is sometimes perplexing.

Traps Impeding the Ability to Meet Challenges

I should like to suggest some traps into which we can fall, if we are not careful, as we try to meet the challenges that life delivers at our doorsteps. The first temptation that we must resist, brothers and sisters, is the Jonah response, in which we sometimes think we can escape the calls that come to us, that we can somehow run away from the realities that will press in upon us. Jonah, you recall, had been called to go to Nineveh. He didn't want to go to that urban center that was so big. We are told it took the people hours to walk across that city. He tried to find a ship going to Tarshish. He "paid the fare thereof," hoping to leave the presence of the Lord. You and I will one day know, if we do not know now, there is no way we can escape from God's love, because it is infinite. However many times in our lives we might rather go to a Tarshish than a Nineveh, he will insist that we go to Nineveh, and we must pay "the fare thereof."

Recently a young man was called to his Nineveh. The president of the Salt Lake mission home, President Rawson, told Sister Maxwell and me that not too long ago a young man came in on a Saturday to the Salt Lake mission home and said, "President, may I see you?"

The president said, "Surely, son, come into my office."

He came in and said, "I need a blessing."

"Why do you need a blessing?"

"I need a blessing because I am the only member of my family who is a member of the Church. Yesterday, when I went to leave home, one parent told me never to come back again, the other wouldn't speak to me, and the only person who said goodbye was my little brother, who came to the front gate to say goodbye to me. I'm on my way overseas and I need a blessing."

Now, brothers and sisters, that is the kind of devotion we must have in preparation for the Ninevehs of life to which we are called. However rigorous the circumstances are, we must, as this young man did, be willing to go, to trust and to surrender ourselves to our Father in heaven, who knows why in his divine plans it must be so.

A second trap into which we can fall is the naïveté that grows out of our not realizing that the adversary will press particularly in the areas of our vulnerabilities. It ought not to surprise us that this will be so. The things that we would most like to avoid, therefore, will often be the things that confront us most directly and most sharply. Some of you may recall that the British military planners who built the fortress of Singapore, which was supposed to be invincible, fixed the guns of Singapore so that they would fire only seaward. The Japanese very cleverly came from behind on land. Churchill and others were stunned that this citadel and fortress had fallen so quietly and so simply. Some of us have guns that fire only in one direction. We are vulnerable, and our vulnerabilities will be probed by the vicissitudes of life. One of the great advantages of life in the Church (in which the gospel is at the center) is that we can overcome these vulnerabilities; otherwise, we shall be taken by surprise and swiftly.

A third trap into which we can fall, if we are not careful, is to fail to notice that at the center of many of our challenges is pride, is ego. In most emotional escalations with which I am familiar, if one goes to the very center of them, there is ego asserting itself relentlessly. The only cure for rampant ego is humility, and this is why circumstances often bring to us a kind of compelled or forced humility--so that we may recover our equilibrium. Humility can help us to dampen our pride. Ironically, for those of us who most need to serve to develop our capacity to love, our very egos often make us unapproachable so far as others are concerned. We, therefore, are underused and we wonder why. And this is typical of the trials that we impose upon ourselves.

A fourth trap into which we can fall is that we may at times assume that the plan of salvation requires merely that we endure and survive when, in fact, as is always the case with the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is required of us, not only that we endure, but also that we endure well, that we exhibit "grace under pressure." This is necessary, not only so that our own passage through the trial can be a growth experience, but also because (more than we know) there are always people watching to see if we can cope, who therefore may resolve to venture forth and to cope themselves. Every time we navigate safely on the strait and narrow way, there are other ships that are lost which can find their way because of our steady light.

A fifth trap, and a major one, is the trap of self-pity. One man has said that "hell is being frozen in self-pity." Indeed, at times when we think our lot is hard or when we feel our selves misunderstood, it will be so easy for us to indulge ourselves in feeling some self-pity. A contrasting episode comes to us out of ancient Greece: Several hundred Spartans were holding the pass at Thermopylae, that narrow pass, and the Persians came in overwhelming numbers and urged the Spartans to surrender. Hoping to intimidate them further, the Persians sent emissaries to the Spartans, saying they had so many archers in their army they could darken the sky with their arrows. The Spartans said, "So much the better. We shall fight in the shade."

Now, brothers and sisters, the disciple has to be ready to fight in the shade of circumstance. One of the ways we can have perspective that will permit us to fight in the shade of circumstances is to read the scriptures and have involvement--intellectually and spiritually--with the case studies in the scriptures of those men and women who have coped, and coped successfully, who have undergone far more than you and I are asked to undergo. When we understand these models, we may then understand that God is totally serious about his purpose "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man," that his chief concerns are not real estate and political dominion, but the growth of souls, the celestializing of the souls with whom he works.

I am one of those, for instance, who does not believe the Mormon colonies in Mexico and Canada had much to do in the Lord's eyes with real estate or physical empire, but I feel rather that these colonies were established for the preparation of a people. I call your attention to the fact that two members of the First Presidency and the wife of President Kimball have come out of those colonies in Mexico and Canada--individuals prepared beforehand for the mighty roles they now carry on in the kingdom. I don't think God's too interested in real estate. He owns it all anyway. He does seem to be incredibly interested in what happens to us individually and will place us in those circumstances where we have the most opportune chances to grow and to carry out our purposes.

A sixth trap into which we can fall quite easily, brothers and sisters, is the trap in which we sense that something special is happening in our lives but are not able to sort it out with sufficient precision and clarity that we can articulate it to someone else. That is so often true of the gospel. Its truths are too powerful for us to manage on occasion. Let me give you this simple illustration of how we can know something and yet not be able to communicate it fully without the help of the Spirit. If I were to bring one of you into this hall and if, instead of all of you, it were filled with fifteen thousand mothers and if I were to say to you, "Somewhere in that audience is your mother; find her," you could do it, and I suspect it wouldn't take you very many minutes. But if I said to you, "Wait outside. There are fifteen thousand mothers in there and one of them is your mother. Now, you describe her to me with sufficient precision and clarity so that I can go find her," you couldn't do it. You would still know what she looked like, but tongue could not transmit what you knew. It is that way often with the gospel. That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit--aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know.

It would be interesting, for instance, if I were to ask one of you to describe to the satisfaction of all here the color yellow. Yellow, of course, is a primary color, but it would be difficult for you to describe it to us without comparing it with other colors. Yet you have no difficulty recognizing yellow when you see it. We know more than we can tell! Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness. There are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude. We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often give us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else.

I would like to share with you at this moment a highly personal experience. I will not mention the name of the man involved. I mention the experience only because of one of my own tendencies (those on the stand and elsewhere who know me know that I am often too verbal and silence does not come easily to me). Fortunately, on this occasion there was a kind of mute comprehension on my part that the most important thing I could do was to be still.

A few days after April conference, a very bright, able professional man called my secretary for an appointment. Fortunately she gave it to him, and fortunately it was of sufficient duration that there was time for the chemistry of this experience to operate. He came in and we greeted each other. I, frankly, was not sure of the purpose of his visit. I assumed it might even be that he had come to complain about something. There are portions of our time as General Authorities that are given over to being ombudsmen. But I said little and sat down. I resisted the temptation to fill the silence that then ensued. Tears welled up, filling his eyes. It seemed to me we must have sat there for ten minutes, but I am sure it was only three or four. I kept still, resisting the natural temptation to rush in with supporting words, and simply let the Spirit operate. Then out it came--a marvelous, manly confession, in which he said for him to become active in the kingdom again it was necessary that he set certain things right. Over the years he felt he had been unfair to me and unkind to me, and he wanted to come and to ask for forgiveness. I again largely resisted the temptation, which by then was strong, to rush in with some quick reassurances that might put him at ease. As thoughts tumbled on thoughts and verbalizations on verbalizations, this sweet man cleansed his soul. Indeed, I had not felt injured by him. I was not aware of his concerns, but it would have been folly for me to have so said before there was full closure in the matter at hand.

He is a marvelous, sweet man. I admire his courage. He said even that morning he had wondered if he could come, or if he shouldn't cancel his appointment. I love him. We embraced and have stayed in close contact since. He is able and is making marvelous progress in the kingdom. I'll always be grateful for that sensing of mute comprehension that something special was about to happen which I couldn't describe but in which my role for that occasion was mostly to be still and to listen. There are times when life will visit us with challenges in which we will have a mute comprehension of what is underway but cannot transmit it fully to someone else.

A seventh trap, brothers and sisters, is that some of us neglect to develop multiple forces of satisfaction. When one of the wells upon which we draw dries up through death, loss or status, disaffection, or physical ailment, we then find ourselves very thirsty because, instead of having multiple sources of satisfaction in our lives, we have become too dependent upon this or upon that. How important it is to the symmetry of our souls that we interact with all the gospel principles and with all the Church programs, so that we do not become so highly specialized that, if we are deprived of one source of satisfaction, indeed we are in difficulty. It is possible to be incarcerated within the prison of one principle. We are less vulnerable if our involvements with the kingdom are across the board. We are less vulnerable if we care deeply about many principles--not simply a few.

An eighth trap to be avoided, brothers and sisters, is the tendency we have--rather humanly, rather understandably--to get ourselves caught in peering through the prism of the present and then distorting our perspective about things. Time is of this world; it is not of eternity. We can, if we are not careful, feel the pressures of time and see things in a distorted way. How important it is that we see things as much as possible through the lens of the gospel with its eternal perspectives.

I should like, if I may, to share with you on this point the fine writing of your own A. Lester Allen, a dean and scientist on this campus. This is what I have come to call the "Allen Analogy" about time. Let me read you these lines, if I may. Their application will be obvious. Dean Allen writes:

Suppose, for instance, that we imagine a "being" moving onto our earth whose entire life-span is only 1/100 of a second. Ten thousand "years" for him, generation after generation, would be only one second of our time. Suppose this imaginary being comes up to a quiet pond in the forest where you are seated. You have just tossed in a rock and are watching the ripples. A leaf is fluttering from the sky and a bird is swooping over the water. He would find everything absolutely motionless. Looking at you, he would say: "In all recorded history nothing has changed. My father and his father before him have seen that everything is absolutely still. This creature called man has never had a heartbeat and has never breathed. The water is standing in stationary waves as if someone had thrown a rock into it; it seems frozen. A leaf is suspended in the air, and a bird has stopped right over the middle of the pond. There is no movement. Gravity is suspended." The concept of time in this imaginary being, so different from ours, would give him an entirely different perspective of what we call reality.

On the other hand, picture another imaginary creature for whom one "second" of his time is 10,000 years of our time. What would the pond be like to him? By the time he sat down beside it, taking 15,000 of our years to do so, the pond would have vanished. Individual human beings would be invisible, since our entire life-span would be only 1/100 of one of his "seconds." The surface of the earth would be undulating as mountains are built up and worn down. The forest would persist but a few minutes and then disappear. His concept of "reality" would be much different than our own.

That's the most clever way I have seen time and intimations of eternity dealt with. It is very important that we not assume the perspective of mortality in making the decisions that bear on eternity! We need the perspectives of the gospel to make decisions in the context of eternity. We need to understand we cannot do the Lord's work in the world's way.

The Church's Basis in Christ

Now, brothers and sisters, may I prepare to close with these thoughts: The Church is fully Christ-centered. The Church is alsoChrist-powered, and it is also designed to help its members become more Christlike. Since the gospel of Jesus Christ focuses on the truths that deal with everlasting things and not on obsolescent realities, it is very important for us, brothers and sisters, to recognize that the truths in which we traffic as members of the kingdom pertain to eternity as well as to this life.

I am surprised (I would be amused if the cost were not so great) that people think they can remove the foundations of our social structure--things like work, chastity, and family and then wonder why other things crumble. You can't remove the foundation of a building while standing inside and not be hit with falling plaster. We are now in the interesting position in the kingdom of trying to warn about what is happening in the world and, at the same time, of keeping ourselves personally secure. We must be Christ-centered individually. We must have his and God's power to do our work, and we must take seriously the challenge of becoming more Christlike. You're soon going to go out into a world full of marshmallow men. Like the act of putting a finger into a marshmallow, there is no core in these men, there is no center, and when one removes his finger, the marshmallow resumes its former shape. We are in a world of people who want to yield to everything--to every fad and to every fashion. It is incredibly important that we be committed to the core--committed to those things that matter, about which our Father in heaven has leveled with us through his Son, Jesus Christ, and his prophets.

I saw an interesting cartoon not too long ago that bears on this point of marshmallow men. It showed two multicolored desert lizards conversing. One said to the other, "Of course you're going through an identity crisis. You're a chameleon."

Of course the world is going through an identity crisis. Of course it's adrift: it's got no anchor. It does not have core principles upon which to decide all other things. I am grateful that our beliefs are related to the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful that God has told us that we must be ready for the trials that life will bring our way.

I speak to this generation with some sense of vicarious anticipation in your behalf of what lies ahead--urging you to pour out your hearts in supplication and prayer. There is nothing more powerful than prayer, nothing more masculine or more feminine (at the same time) than prayer. There was more power processed and expended on that single night in Gethsemane, in that small garden, than all the armies and navies have ever expended in all the battles on the land and sea and in the air in all of human history. The catalyst of prayer helped Jesus to cope with suffering, and by his suffering he emancipated all men from death and made possible eternal life. This cardinal fact about the central act of human history, the Atonement, ought to give us pause, therefore, as we face our challenges individually.

I believe it was George Macdonald who reminded us that the only door out of the dungeon of self is the love of one's neighbor. How proud we ought to be, in a quiet way, that we are members of the church of the most selfless being who ever lived. How proud we ought to be to belong to a church that makes specific demands of us and gives us specific things to do and marks the strait and narrow way, lest we fall off one side of the precipice or the other. I am so grateful that God loves us enough to teach us specifically. Had secularists written the Ten Commandments, they might have said, "Thou shalt not be a bad person." Note what the Ten Commandments say: "Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, thou shalt not commit adultery," and so on. The gospel of Jesus Christ is specific because God cares specifically for each of us and, caring for us, will mark the way carefully lest we fall out of happiness.

A vague creed is fitted only for a vague God. We have a Father who loves us specifically and gives us things to do and, because he loves us, will cause us, at times, to have our souls stretched and to be fitted for a better world by coping with life in this world.

May God bless us with that kind of commitment, with the capacity to be serious disciples and to accept both the agendum that he has prepared for each of us because he loves us and the curriculum, prepared for each of us, which he has customized to teach us the things we most need to know, because he loves us.

There is a man I hope someday to meet--a brother of yours and mine in the kingdom. He lives somewhere behind the Iron Curtain. Another man, a priesthood leader behind the Iron Curtain, was told that there was such a man, who had not seen another member of the Church for many years. This good brother, moved by the Spirit, saved his money (which he didn't have much of), made his way through the red tape of crossing borders, and found this brother of yours and mine; he learned that he who was found had not seen another member of the Church for over twenty years. And when the man who was the finder indicated that it was possible, because he had been so authorized, to give this brother a patriarchal blessing, this good brother demurred momentarily until he got the tithing which he had saved for over twenty years and gave it to this other man so that he would be fully worthy of that blessing!

I don't know what the divine design is in the challenge of that kind of solitude. I know that this man, our brother, is meeting that challenge. Some of us will have to be most courageous, not when we're alone, but when we're in a crowd. Whatever the form the test takes, we must be willing to pass it. We must reach breaking points without breaking. We must be willing, if necessary, to give up our lives--not because we have a disdain for life as some do, but even though we love life--because we are the servants of him who did that in such an infinite way for all of us.

I testify to you in the solemnity of my soul that we are prophet-led, that this is the church of Jesus Christ, presided over by a prophet who himself knows a great deal about suffering. We are all the servants of him who suffered most that we might have with him a fullness of joy. May we be committed to that task this day and always I pray in the name of him whose church this is, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

Buttercream Blooms

2011-08-11T22:50:00.001-04:00

Pink roses. Purple petals.

Softly sweet vanilla buttercream.

Summertime 'tea parties' for little girls.

....sigh....

Sunday Sense(s): Possibility

2011-08-07T19:59:00.000-04:00

A lot on my mind today.

Too much too little formulated to put into words.

Except these that keep running through my mind...

"I don't need easy. I just need possible."

-Bethany Hamilton

I'm trying to dwell in possibility.

That's where God is.

Sunday Sense(s): Desire, Patience, & a Chocolate Chip Cookie

2011-07-31T20:07:00.005-04:00

For some random reason - well, maybe not so random - I decided to fast today. Now, fasting is something that has always been difficult for me, and it's taken me a long time to develop a testimony of its purpose and effectiveness. There have been studies showing its health benefits, and everyone says it's a way to deepen your spiritual studies and improve your prayers...but really, I've just always felt hungry - and hunger is a distraction for me. My tummy gets rumbly and I get moody. My blood sugar drops and I get shaky. I can't concentrate, and focusing and studying gets harder, not better....

The only real control in life is self-control.

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul

I chose to fast today because I had a very important conversation I needed to have with my Heavenly Father. A conversation about letting go....of control.

As I went through my day I definitely was tempted and distracted in many ways. My stomach felt empty before I even left the house for church. It rumbled its way through my meetings, and, for Munch and Mingle afterward they decided to torture me with the smell of popping popcorn and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Those cookies looked very good. Chocolate chip cookies are the one thing I've never been able to perfect in my kitchen. I love the soft, but not too gooey or cakey versions you see on Martha Stewart Magazine covers. Mine always turn out cakey, or gooey. I've tried a million recipes, and I'm not sure if it's the flour or the the relative softness/hardness of the butter, but I've yet to figure it out. My eyes, and my tummy, were very tempted. I almost gave in, but, I remembered my reason - and my strong desire to be as prepared as I could for that reason - for fasting, and resisted. Instead, I decided to wrap the cookie in a napkin and save it for later, after I'd completed my fast.

The next hour or two were occupied by visiting, visiting teaching, and other various Sunday afternoon interactions. Then, it was time to go home. I checked the bus GPS system and found I had 11 minutes to walk the few blocks to catch the bus. A quick switch from stilettos to flip-flops and out the door. I refreshed the bus tracker on my phone a minute or two after stepping outside, and it said the bus was only 1 minute away! No way was I going to make it in time. The next bus wasn't for another 45 minutes, and I could walk home in that time....it was 84* and a half-hour walk - which I had already made to church that morning - but I was getting very hungry, and tired, and just wanted to be home.

So, for a walk I went; past food stands, restaurants, and bakeries - all of which had amazing smells coming from them.

....rumble, rumble, rumble.....heat, sun, humidity.....tired, shaky, sweaty....

ughhhh.....cookie!

No. Important talk with God.

But it's so hot.

But it's only a few more blocks.

It's only food.

That's right, it's only food.

What's the point - how does this help me anyway? Can't I sincerely talk to God without fasting?

Well, you're struggling with feeling out of control with your life, and turning control of important things over to God. He wants you to be patient, but patience and time scare you - especially time over which you have no control. But, really, you've never had control, you've only thought or felt like you have. The only thing you have control of is yourself - your responses and actions to situations in life. Patience isn't waiting, patience is self-control. Fasting is an exercise in self-control, a symbolic activity that builds self-mastery skills and confidence in control in otherwise uncontrollable situations. It helps us to be familiar and comfortable with putting off our immediate desires, distractions, and temptations and learn how to patiently work towards our true and ultimate desires - those that will be the most rewarding. Fasting builds patience.

I didn't eat my cookie. I didn't even eat it when I first got home. I arrived home, changed my clothes, chatted with a roommate, carefully made my simple meal, thoughtfully and quietly had my conversation with God, turned all illusions of outcome control over to Him, slowly ate my dinner, AND THEN had my cookie - with a glass of milk. :)

I've been thinking about - and somewhat struggling with - implementing and accepting the principles of desire, hope, faith, and patience. I understand them logically. I know a lot about them and their purpose. But, for some reason, I was having trouble fully embracing them in my life and in my heart. The last few days I've come to realize that is because I have trouble letting go of control, especially control of the outcomes of episodes in my life. I worry that if something doesn't turn out the way I want it to it's because I somehow failed - because I didn't do something right, or enough, or enough of the right things.... but, in order to fully embrace hope, have patience, find strength in faith, and give God the power to grant the true desires of your heart, you have to be willing to turn control of all circumstances outside of yourself over to him, and have peace in that decision. Today, fasting made that possible for me. It didn't answer my prayers, or bring immediate correlated blessings, but I learned that I really do have control - of myself; that patience is active, not passive; and that complete and total trust in God brings not fear for the future, but peace in the hope that we will receive all the desires of our heart.

Here are some great talks on the idea of self-control in patience:

Continue in Patience - Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Desire - Elder Dallin H. Oaks

As well as a list from a talk given by Cecil O.Samuelson of the Seventy, entitled Testimony, from the April 2011 General Conference:

10 Things to Always Remember

(And that we tend to forget in times of trial or hardship - so don't!)

1) Everyone has worth because we are all children of God. He knows us, loves us, and wants us to succeed and return to Him. We must learn to trust in His love and in His timing rather than in our own sometimes impatient and imperfect desires.

2) While we believe fully in the mighty change of heart described in the scriptures (see Mosiah 5:2; Alma 5:12–14, 26), we must understand it often occurs gradually, rather than instantaneously or globally, and in response to specific questions, experiences, and concerns as well as by our study and prayer.

3) We need to remember that a fundamental purpose of life is to be tested and stretched, and thus we must learn to grow from our challenges and be grateful for the lessons learned that we cannot gain in an easier way.

4) We must learn to trust the things that we believe in or know to sustain us in times of uncertainty or with issues where we struggle.

5) As Alma taught, gaining a testimony is usually a progression along the continuum of hoping, believing, and finally knowing the truth of a specific principle, doctrine, or the gospel itself (see Alma 32).

6) Teaching someone else what we know strengthens our own testimony as we build that of another. When you give someone money or food, you will have less. However, when you share your testimony, it strengthens and increases for both the bearer and the hearer.

7) We must do the little but necessary things daily and regularly. Prayers, scripture and gospel study, attendance at Church meetings, temple worship, fulfilling visiting teaching, home teaching, and other assignments all strengthen our faith and invite the Spirit into our lives. When we neglect any of these privileges, we place our testimonies in jeopardy.

8) We should not have higher standards for others than we do for ourselves. Too often we may let the mistakes or failures of others, especially leaders or Church members, influence how we feel about ourselves or our testimonies. Other people’s difficulties are not an excuse for our own deficiencies.

9) It is good to remember that being too hard on yourself when you make a mistake can be as negative as being too casual when real repentance is needed.

10) We must always be clear that the Atonement of Christ is fully and continuously operative for each of us when we allow it to be so. Then everything else fits into place even when we continue to struggle with certain details, habits, or seemingly missing parts in the mosaic of our faith.

I hope you all have a beautiful and spirit filled Sunday! Until next week...

I do it anyway.

2011-07-26T22:00:00.003-04:00

I had found a kind of serenity, a new maturity...
I didn't feel better or stronger than anyone else but it seemed no longer important
whether everyone loved me or not - more important now was for me to love them.
Feeling that way turns your whole life around; living becomes the act of giving.
-Beverly Sills

Anyway

Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building

something from nothing.

One storm can come and blow it all away...

Build it anyway.

You can chase a dream

that seems so out of reach.

And you know if might not ever come your way...

Dream it anyway.

This world's gone crazy

and it's hard to believe

that tomorrow will be better than today...

Believe it anyway.

You can love someone with all your heart

for all the right reasons,

and in a moment they can chose to walk away...

Love them anyway.

God is great,

but sometimes life ain't good.

And when I pray

it doesn't always turn out like I think it should,

but I do it anyway.

I do it anyway.

You can pour your soul out singing

a song you believe in

that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang...

Sing it anyway.

Yeah, sing it anyway.

I sing.

I dream.

I love.

Anyway.

( Listen )

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give;
not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7

Fear not to do good...
for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap;
therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
D&C 6:33

Cast not away therefore your confidence, for it hath great recompense of reward.
Hebrews 10:35

*recompense: make amends; compensation or restitution given for loss or harm suffered or effort made

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
D&C 6:6

Sunday Sense(s): Valuable

2011-07-24T23:28:00.005-04:00

(Random internet photo....)

Visibility does not equate to value.

- Howard W. Hunter

I went to church in Harlem, in New York City today. It was a good day, full of messages that felt particularly addressed to me. I have struggled recently (and have struggled many times in the past) with finding the value in myself. It sometimes seems as if my character - my strengths, and traits, and goals, and personality - is not in accordance with what the world sees as valuable, and I have often felt like I am inadequate, or not good enough, or big enough, or amazing enough, or visible enough, or....really....just 'enough'.

Today I heard a story that was shared by Elder M. Russell Ballard in Conference this last May. While it was originally included in a talk on the joys of service, it struck me in a very different and personal way.....

There is a world of uncertainty, complexity, and confusion. The demands of everyday life can wear us down. How can we free ourselves from this tangled web of challenges and uncertainties to find peace of mind and happiness?

Oftentimes we are like the young merchant from Boston, who in 1849, as the story goes, was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush. He sold all of his possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them.

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty. His only reward was a growing pile of rocks. Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit until one day an old, experienced prospector said to him, "That's quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy."

The young man replied, "There's no gold here. I'm going back home."

Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, "Oh, there is gold all right. You just have to know where to find it." He picked two rocks up in his hands and crashed them together. One of the rocks split open, revealing several flecks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

Noticing the bulging leather pouch fastened to the prospector's waist, the young man said, "I'm looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks."

The old prospector extended his pouch toward the young man, who looked inside, expecting to see several large nuggets. He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold.

The old prospector said, "Son, it seems to me you are so busy looking for large nuggets that you're missing filling your pouch with these precious flecks of gold. The patient accumulation of these little flecks has brought me great wealth."

Elder Ballard compares our perspective to that of the miner, but today I felt more like the gold. I have misspent a great deal of time and energy believing that in order to be valuable - and to be valued by others - I need to be a large 'nugget' of gold. Those nuggets are are big and easy to find. They instantly stand out and draw our attention for their obvious size and luster -

But, I am not a nugget.

Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me: but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass, and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

- Alma 37: 6

I am a million tiny gold flecks, bulging the seams of my leather pouch.

Those tiny little flecks are often missed and over-looked. I even brush them aside myself, ashamed of their seeming insignificance - but, for what they lack in size, they more than make up for in number. They may not be the biggest, or the best, or the most obvious, but when placed on a scale the combined weight of all those tiny little flecks adds up. They have unique and beautiful qualities that shine brightly and can be divided and shared in a thousand different ways - sometimes in ways that one large and heavy nugget cannot. They don't fit the expectations of "nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them" - but they are just as precious, only in a different way. There is value in being visible and obvious, but - I am learning - there is also value in the quiet and subtle strengths of the heart.

(Hymn from Sacrament today...)

School thy feelings, O my brother,

train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

but let wisdom's voice control.

School thy feelings, there is power

in the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason's tower,

makes the clearest wisdom blind.

Noblest minds have finest feelings;

quivering strings a breath can move;

and the gospel's sweet revealings

tune them with the key of love.

Hearts so sensitively molded

strongly fortified should be,

trained to firmness and enfolded

in a calm tranquility.

That is what I value and strive for, and who I'm naturally inclined to be. I see the beauty and desire in having a mind so loving and in tune with gospel feeling that something as subtle as "a breath can move" it, and a heart so sensitive yet strong that it can be a calm and safe haven to all who know it. I may not be the life of the party, but I can be a fountain of life for those around me. Wisdom, prudence, patience, temperance, diligence, soberness, meekness, humility, brotherly kindness, charity, knowledge, and understanding are all Godly traits that we are admonished to develop. They are qualities that can bring us joyful fulfillment if we understand and cultivate them - a peaceful heart can feel joy, excite happiness in others, and carry a cheerful countenance just as well as a boisterous one.

But godliness with contentment is great gain.

- 1 Timothy 6:6

I am not a nugget....and, I'm okay with that! I am made up of thousands of tiny golden flecks, each reflecting the light off their multiple facets into a shining brilliance. Innumerable and ever growing 'small and simple' glimmers of celestial light, all gathered into a well worn, but useful and familiar leather pouch. That pouch and its contents are meaningful, powerful, and valuable - just the way they are.

Sunday Sense(s)

2011-07-24T22:40:00.012-04:00

Photo by Ken Brown, 2006, www.ldschurchtemples.com

Yesterday I went to the Manhattan, NY temple. It is right in downtown New York City, surrounded by taxis, people, pollution, and noise; but inside it is clean, quiet, and peaceful. I love going to the temple. It's something I've recently rediscovered the value in doing. Often, I find myself not wanting to leave; to trade the calm, peaceful tranquility I find within its rooms for the chaotic and noisy confusion in the world outside. Yesterday, however, as I was enjoying its quiet atmosphere and studying its intricate architecture, I had a wonderfully clear moment of realization:

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?...for the temple of God is Holy, which temple ye are.

- 1 Cor 3:16-17

I have been seeking refuge in the safe and sheltering walls of temples a lot, mostly because I enjoy the stillness and peace of heart I find while there. As much as I wish it, living in the temple 24/7 is not possible - we have to go out and live our lives, face our trials, and find our joys; but, we can carry the tranquil feelings we find within the temple out into the world with us.

Temples are sacred and holy spaces, places where god dwells and comforts and teaches us. They are pure, and clean, and magnificently constructed. So are we. We are sacred and holy vessels, bodies united with spirits carrying beautifully crafted hearts in which the spirit of God can dwell and comfort and teach us. While the troubles of the world rage around (and sometimes on or within) us, our hearts can always be in tune with God - quiet, full of peace and hope, anchors and safe refuges in times of hardship or sorrow.

Yesterday I walked out those sacred doors and into the busy streets of Manhattan, knowing that I am a holy temple, the spirit of God dwelling peacefully deep within me.

I love these kinds of realizations - thoughts, epiphanies, questions, and moments of instruction and understanding. They enlighten my mind and fill my soul with a happiness and desire to share the joy I've just found. I've had a lot of these moments lately, but not many moments to share them. So, I've decided to start a new series within my blog entitled Sunday Sense(s) - 'Sunday' because they will be written and posted weekly on Sunday; and 'Sense(s)' because...well...it's about the way things makes sense to me, through all of my senses. :)

For those of you who (like me) would like a more literal dictionary definition of my grammatical formulation, here you go:

Sense: a reasonable or comprehensible rationale; a sane and realistic attitude to situations and problems; a keen intuitive awareness of or sensitivity to the presence or importance of something; a feeling that something is the case;
(s): faculties by which the body perceives an external stimulus, such as sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch;

You're going to get a double dose of sensory overload today, as I've had a lot to say in this introductory piece, and I've written my first series experience post already! (To be posted immediately following this one.) What can I say- it's been a stimulating few weeks for me...

Here are a few recently epiphanied concepts I want to share. I don't have time - or space - to expand upon them now, but plan to in future posts:

Hope is all encompassing, but not all consuming. It is the motivating force which drives our souls forward into progression.

Faith is not simply believing in a power. Faith is power - a power we (everyone) already have within us.

Patience is not waiting. Patience is control - of our souls, our bodies, our desires, our hopes, and the power of faith.

And now to end with a song, because I love music, I love to share it, and this song has been the summary soundtrack to my heart the last few days. (Listen to the song here.)

When You Believe

Many nights we've prayed

with no proof anyone could hear.

In our hearts a hopeful song

we barely understood.

Now we are not afraid,

although we know there's much to fear.

We were moving mountains long

before we knew we could.

In this time of fear,

when prayer so often proved in vain;

Hope seemed like the summer birds

too swiftly flown away.

And now I'm standing here

with heart so full I can't explain.

Seeking faith and speaking words

I never thought I'd say.

They [miracles] don't always happen when you ask,

and it's easy to give in to your fears.

But when you're blinded by your pain,

can't see your way straight through the rain,

A small but still resilient voice

says hope is very near...

There can be miracles when you believe,

though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

Who knows what miracles you can achieve,

when you believe.

Somehow you will,

you will when you believe.

Now you will.

You will when you believe.

Fascination

2011-07-20T22:13:00.002-04:00

Childhood is the world of miracle or of magic:

it is as if creation rose luminously out of the night,

all new and fresh and astonishing.

-Eugene Ionesco

This is my new little sister Kuralai.

Her eyes are inquisitive, and deep, and steady.

Her mind is alive, and quick, and hungry.

Her fingers are busy and her voice is active.

She is made of, and constantly seeks, all that is new and fresh and astonishing.
(And her hair always sticks straight up.)

I am fascinated by her...

Celestial Flame

2011-07-17T22:59:00.011-04:00

I feel it.

This exquisite and piercing energy pulsating from the core of my being and into my heart...

reaching, longing, yearning to expand and live through my hands, my fingers, my lips, my voice...

I am staggered by the immense weight of it all;

its vivid and overpowering strength, its invisible yet tangible current, its ambient and explicit illumination,

its longing for life....

It overwhelms me.

I apprehensively welcome its unexpected and familiar manifestation -

for while I tremble underneath its empyrean expectations,

I ache for and thrive under its motivating presence.

I long to embrace it as I am encompassed by it - this divinely driven desire

to create.

It grows and swells, straining the tender walls of my heart, beating so quickly as to render my breath and my voice useless.

I want to scream, or run, or dance, or dive, or sing, or laugh, or spin, or fly, or fall.

I want to photograph and capture every beautiful moment, element, color, line, shape, and texture

that can reflect its natural light into my lens.

I want my apron dusted with flour, and my hands stained with the vibrant crimson red

of exquisitely ripe pomegranate.

I want to infuse, and flavor, and season, and smell, and blend, and bake, and arrange

every herb, every spice, every grain, every kind.

I want to sew the softest silk, the lightest cotton, the warmest wool.

I want to design the most flattering dress, embroider the coziest quilt,

make the most satisfying meal.

I want to reproduce the look, feel, and taste of my inner core's love;

create tangible touchable things to please, and edify, and succor.

To inspire, and motivate, and invigorate.

To bring new joy and sustain old happiness.

To connect. To merge. To simplify.

I want my creations to give comfort, elicit joy, envelop with pure delight,

and be desirable and delicious to the taste.

I want them to invoke memory and inspire action.

I want to think of something completely new.

Reinvigorate something old.

Mend something broken.

Move something stuck.

Improve something stunted.

Find something lost.

Reunite something torn apart.

Perpetuate something good.

I long to create more creation - to bring enduring eternal souls into this world - to nurture infinite creativity, love, hope, and joy.

It hurts sometimes - this longing to create;

this inability to fully achieve and accurately express the glowing embers that smolder within.

But the desire still burns;

patience gently and prudently blows light into the coals,

and the reward of perseverant fruition is sweet.

And I suppose that's what an eternity is really for -

endless opportunities to fan this celestial flame.

Creature Contact

2011-07-14T15:03:00.003-04:00

I am not a wild-(or domestic animal)-life photographer.

But, every once in a while creatures like to cross my - and my camera's - path.

Here are a few I've recently come into contact with....

This is Jasmine

(aka Jazzy)

She's a Savannah - a cross breed between a wild African serval and a domestic cat.

She has beautiful markings, is amazingly long and lean, and likes to spring several feet in the air to catch butterflies and birds. She is also very affectionate and loves to lounge in my lap when I visit.

There are two horses that live in the field behind my mother's house.

I tried bribing them with carrots and apples, but they just stared uninterestedly and went back to rooting grasses from the snow.

This calf lives in the field on the other side of my mother's property.

He came to the fence, 'moo'ed, and stared at me every morning when I left the house.

This is Steve

(yes, I've named him)

He is a Mexican Milk Snake and we met one quiet and humid morning in my father's backyard in Montgomery, TX.

We were sitting on the steps of the back patio when he decided to crawl up to us from the newly excavated/planted flower beds. Milk snakes (harmless) mimic Coral snakes (venemous fellow snake eaters) so as to scare away potential enemies. Years of National Geographic and Discovery Channel etched a little rhyme into my brain for telling the difference:

"Red and yellow kill a fellow, red and black venom lack."

There are several variations of the phrase, but this rhyming wisdom alone wasn't enough to convince my dad to let me pick him up.

Steve decided to pay us a second visit after initially disappearing down a hole in the grass. I went outside to get something I'd left behind and found him sunning himself on the back patio.

Having teamed up with Google to finally convince my father Steve wasn't going to kill me, I went to pick him up. He went to slither away and dad decided to help by trying to stop him with a giant push broom.

Steve didn't appreciate this too much and he got a little defensive...

...and tired.

So I decided to give Steve a break and just take his picture instead.

Thanks Steve!

Meet Brutus and Claudia

- two Green Anole (aka the American Chameleon)

Some Anole facts relevant to my story:

1 - It's mating season.

2 - While anole change color to blend into their environment they also do it to express emotion. Green is a normal, happy, healthy color. Dark brown is an expression of extreme distress.

3 - Males bob their heads and display large red throat flaps during courtship. If females are receptive they will bow their heads. If not, they will run away.

4 - Males are very aggressive. Sometimes they don't get the hint and will chase the females.

I first noticed Claudia outside the kitchen window. Then, when we went to take a closer look, Brutus pounced out of nowhere!

We weren't sure what was going on - at first we thought Brutus was trying to eat Claudia.
But that wasn't happening, so what was going on.....fighting? eating? mating?

I admit - I couldn't watch any longer - and broke the cardinal rule of wildlife observation

I (well, my dad actually) interfered.

Brutus was not happy.

The hunt was back on....

(Run Claudia!)

Searching....

...and searching....

...and searching.

Sorry Brutus, she got away. :)

Wondrous Blossoming

2011-07-12T22:54:00.003-04:00

Flowers

Excerpts of the poem from Voices of the Night

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Wondrous truths, and manifold as wondrous,

God hath written in those stars above;

But not less in the bright flowerets under us

Stands the revelation of his love.

Bright and glorious is that revelation,

Written all over this great world of ours;

Making evident our own creation,

In these stars of earth, these golden flowers.

And the Poet, faithful and far-seeing,

Sees, alike in stars and flowers, a part

Of the self-same, universal being,

Which is throbbing in his brain and heart.

In all places, then, and in all seasons,

Flowers expand their light and soul-like wings,

Teaching us, by most persuasive reasons,

How akin they are to human things.

And with childlike, credulous affection

We behold their tender buds expand;

Emblems of our own great resurrection,

Emblems of the bright and better land.

Read complete poem

Birthday blossoms & blooms from Longfellow's garden...

Still...

2011-07-12T22:48:00.004-04:00

Hello Everyone!

Yes, I am still here!. I am not dead, or disappeared, or lost, nor have I forgotten about my beloved blog outlet. Life has just chosen to partake more aggressively in my existence with both wonderful and difficult efficiency. I do have some good excuses, and a few understandable reasons, for leaving these pages blank for so long:

Good Excuses

It's summer in Boston - finally!

It was my birthday.

I was travelling.

Family, friends, and enjoying them more in person.

I'd rather be outside than on the computer.

I am working on an awesome project

- well, several of them -

that are taking up what would be my personal blogging time.

(Believe me, you're going to love it - debuting soon - just be patient a little longer)

Understandable Reasons

Blogger freaked out and wouldn't let me log on,

then erased several posts

- made up of weeks worth of work -

and I was too frustrated to recreate them right away.

My computer screen backlight quit working.

It took multiple attempts, several Amazon purchases, a very late night,

and the help of an amazing person to fix it.

Life likes to throw curveballs, and the cyber-world took a backseat.

But, now I'm back! As are my unfortunately erased posts, which magically reappeared yesterday! (Yeah Blogger!) I'll do my best to keep up, but don't worry if I miss a few updates - my time is being very well utilized! And I'm very excited to share the fruits of my labor with you!

First post coming now........

Sweet Spring

2011-04-25T18:48:00.001-04:00

Springtime + Easter = Colorful Culinary Creations

House of the Lord

2011-04-18T23:33:00.002-04:00

This is the Manti Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I love this temple.

I wish I had been able to get some photos of it lit and glowing at night. That light was a beacon; after a long trip you could see it glowing in the distance from a few towns (and quite a few miles) away - a warm and comforting signal that home was near.

I could see the temple from my childhood bedroom window. In the summer months I would push my bed under the open window and listen to the rehearsals of the Manti Mormon Miracle Pageant. As I got older I would listen from the back sets while waiting for my turn in the rehearsal. It's been a long time, and I've gotten pretty rusty, but I can still recite most of the pageant script by heart.

(For a great read about the Pageant read this - it's from 1978, so the statistics have changed, but it's still true to the spirit of the event.)

As much as I love sitting and looking at the temple, I love even more sitting and pondering within it's walls. It was a long journey to get there, but for the last two years I have been blessed with many opportunities to find the spiritual peace and soulful comfort waiting inside. I can no longer see the Manti Temple from my window, but I have been able to enter it a few times while visiting, and I loved every minute.

I now live only 5 miles from the Boston Temple - I can't see it from my bedroom window, but it was the first temple I was privileged to enter, and one that I need to make an effort to visit more often.

Temples are more than stone and mortar. They are filled with faith and fasting. They are built of trials and testimonies. They are sanctified by sacrifice and service.

In this sacred sanctuary we will find peace; we will be renewed and fortified.

-President Thomas S. Monson

Posting Problems!

2011-04-10T15:21:00.001-04:00

Hello!

I figured I'd better give an update on the lack of updates. My ancient but well loved laptop has decided to start dying on the inside as well as the outside - duck tape replaced screws about 6 months ago - and it has become almost impossible for me to edit and upload photos! :( Very sad, I know. So, my postings may be delayed a few weeks until I can figure something out. (My computer was supposed to hold out until September, when I can get a new one.)

Anyway, I"ll try to keep the blog updated and interesting in the mean time! (Isn't there some quote about necessity and creativity I should be looking up and inserting here.......)

Thanks for your continued loyalty and patience!

-janna

Grandma's House

2011-04-01T00:23:00.004-04:00

I loved their home. Everything smelled older, worn but safe;

-Susan Strasberg

Coal stoves, cast iron pans, sturdy ancient mail desks, wind chimes, butterflies, rooms full of photos, walls of brick, stone, pine, and barnwood....

I love grandma's house.

Grandma: golfer, swedish fish lover, woman of all trades, and purveyor of honest and unconditional love.

Grandpa: concrete worker, hunting guide, encourager, and Mayor of Sterling; population almost 300.

Grandpa is Santa every Christmas Eve

My mother, grandfather, and I have successive birthdays on the 22nd, 23rd, & 24th of May.
Sometimes, we get to celebrate together - with 3 cakes of course!

One of the first photos I took when I became interested in photography - the hollyhocks growing along grandma's fence.
It's framed and hanging in her living room - I had no idea she had it until this last trip. : )

God is in the Details

2011-03-14T12:23:00.004-04:00

Those wide open spaces are full of small, beautiful detail.

Wide Open Spaces

2011-03-12T22:58:00.000-05:00

Living in Boston I often forget how beautiful, vast, and full of stars the skies can be. Open fields, hills, valleys, and roads uninhibited by dense impenetrable forests or three story buildings are a true and breathtaking delight. Please forgive any blurriness or spots - I forgot my tripod (and was forced to get into strange and upside down positions trying to focus while balancing around boulders) and many photos were taken through the car window...

Those roads provided breath-taking views. There's something special about an empty road going on and on to the horizon where the sun burns the world away into a dancing, shimmering heat haze that reflects the crystal blue sky, literally blurring the line between heaven and earth.

-Dave Gorman

Hometown Homage

2011-03-06T21:27:00.009-05:00

Main Street, Manti, UT

We all have hometown appetites. Every other person is a bundle of longing for the simplicities of good taste once enjoyed on the farm or in the hometown left behind.

-Clementine Paddleford

You'll have to excuse the short absence, I've been visiting my family for the last week or so, most of which was spent in small town middle of nowhere Utah. My cell phone didn't work, and I didn't take my computer with me - It was great! Of course, my phone nearly had a seizure on the way back, once I reached a service area and the messages and missed calls started flooding in. So, if you were worried I was ignoring you don't worry, I wasn't - at least not intentionally.

I grew up in Manti: population 3,000. My mother now lives in the small town where she grew up a mere 5 miles away from Manti and a 5 minute walk from my grandparents home - Sterling: population 300 (well, almost). I didn't take my computer with me, but I did take my camera and was able to spend some time walking around taking photos of the places and things I love.

Spring hasn't quite come, so there's lot's of patchy snow, and mud, but I still think it looks beautiful. When I was younger I couldn't wait to move away, but time, distance, and the reduction of my annual number of visits to one has made me miss it more than usual. I'll never move back full time - I've become too much of a vibrant city girl - but I do love to visit and be reminded of what's really important in life: family, friends, beauty, love, mud puddles...and slowing down enough to enjoy them.

I've created a series of photos from my trip, which I'll be posting every few days, so check back for more glimpses and some heartfelt hometown homage.

You know you're in a small town when the first thing listed
on a prohibited sign is 'horses.'

Road Department = bumpy dirt roads. I love the irony. :)

No art here - I just happened to drive past my old elementary school and saw the bookmobile.
I don't know where else they have mobile libraries, but I LOVED it when Mr. Perry and the Bookmobile came to school.
(This one is twice the size of the one I remember, and the internet is definitely new....)

The Sanpete County Fairgrounds.
I haven't been to a county fair in about 8 years....I need to plan a visit in August.

Manti, as viewed from the temple.

February - The (Bright) Bleak Month

2011-02-23T23:07:00.001-05:00

Elephants, vintage stockings, and amazing food.

Cooking experiments, New Zealand cuisine, & 3 attempts at Pavlova.

Warm blankets, Sunday naps, and crumpets with golden syrup.

(Yes, that's me under there.)

Favorite people in favorite places.

FEBRUARY = ~~winter bleakness~~ Perfect Brightness!

Yeah for good friends, good food, and hearts full of hope!

Heart Smiles

2011-02-13T20:44:00.002-05:00

This is Teppo and MJ.

They are happy. They have fun together. They are getting married.

They got engaged a few weeks ago. The wedding was going to be in August but things changed and now it is in April. They needed photos for invitations ASAP, so we spent the afternoon on Saturday walking around Cambridge with my camera.

MJ has camera phobia like I used to (and sometimes still do). I told her not to worry or focus on the camera and just try to have fun. I don't approach people (in this case engagement) photos as a glamour session - but rather as a means to announce your good news and show the world how much you enjoy being together.

It's not about "see how beautiful I am" (and MJ is beautiful); it's about "see how happy I am." Real happiness has a beauty all it's own.

I think they did a wonderful job.

Smiles abound.

Let it Snow!

2011-02-03T23:30:00.001-05:00

Oh the weather outside is frightful,

(Ha! Understatement of the century.)

But the fire is so delightful,

(Well, the electric blanket is anyway.)

And since we've no place to go,

(Speak for yourself, I still have to commute to the hospital in this...)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

(If it's going to be cold, there might as well be a little snow...right?)

Oh it doesn't show signs of stopping,

(I'm secretly hoping we break the record...this is from last Thursday - we're actually at 70.5" now.)

boston.com image

And I've brought some corn for popping,

(Mmmmm, popcorn. I think I have some Jiffypop in the cupboard...)

The lights are turned way down low,

(& the thermostat too - these old radiators cost a fortune to heat up.)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

(Isn't it pretty! I love the fresh new white layers.)

Unfortunately, my camera's battery charger quit working a while ago, and thus so has my camera.

Some of these photos were borrowed from others, and you can find a lot more photos of the snow online:

http://www.boston.com/news/weather/gallery/readers_snow121005a/

http://www.boston.com/news/weather/specials/011211_storm/

http://boston.cbslocal.com/gallery/2010/12/26/your-photos-from-december-blizzard/#photo-1

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/photos/photos_galleries/boston_globe_staff_photos_of_the_week_012811/#/1

Happy snow days everyone!

A New Dawn

2011-01-17T00:06:00.011-05:00

I will never have the power to control the land

or conquer half the world or claim the sun.

I will never be the kind who simply waves her hand

and has a million people do the things I wish I'd done.

But in the eyes of Heaven my place is assured,

I carry with me Heaven's grand design.

Gloria, Gloria, I will sing the name of the Lord

and he will make me shine.

- 'Christmas Lullaby' from Songs for a New World

Hello everyone! Yes, I am still here. No, I have not forgotten about my blog. I think about it a lot actually, and have so many things I'd like to post about that I never seem to be able to. I do - miracle of miracles - have several photo posts cued up and waiting to be posted over the next few weeks. This one, however, is dedicated to reviewing and renewing and may require you to do more than just quietly and anonymously peruse the page.

At the top of my blog, in the 'About Me' section, I placed a quote from Virginia Satir. It's a description that I do not fit perfectly, but one that I am constantly trying to aspire to:

"Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understands, values, and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accomodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful, and discarding what is not."

During the last few years I have gone through many changes - in work, education, relationships, goals, interests, and character (Reference: Facing Myself, Summer says are come and gone.., A Quiet Mind, Reason and Regret, Tasting Light, Alive in My Humanity ) - hopefully all positive and worthwhile in the end. In the last few months I have taken on many new projects - in music, foreign language, painting, cooking, sewing, fundraising, and research, and I am striving to figure out the best way to utilize my time working on these, while still having a balanced and share-worthy life. Last year's New Year (Polar Bear Plunge) was a wonderful new beginning - a renewal - and I'm striving to make this year one as well.

I've been thinking a lot about how I can become a newer and better person, and wondering how I should be spending my time and what things I should choose to focus on. I was asked (rather last minute and unexpectedly) to speak in our church sacrament meeting the Sunday after Christmas - the topic was to be "The Life of Christ". The topic was so broad and all encompassing it was difficult to find focus, but after some pondering and insightful conversations with friends I decided to study Christ's mortal day to day life - how he spent his time, those he interacted with, what he valued, and who he was as a man. We set aside Christmas as a time to honor and celebrate his birth, and Easter as a time to honor his Atoning death and resurrection - but who was he in all those years between? What was the drive, the purpose, the meaning behind his daily breath?

Here are a few things I learned while studying about the life of Jesus Christ, my Savior:

-He is not above God's laws; he was not Hercules, a Titan, or a superhero with magical powers - he was a man.

-He was a man with with feelings, a man with weaknesses, a man who was tempted and tried in all aspects of life - what sets him apart is that he consistently made the choice to never give in to those weaknesses or temptations.

-He turned his will to God, recognized and acknowledged his weaknesses, and allowed his Father to help him transform them into strengths.

-He performed physical miracles because that was his calling, but the essence and base of his existence was simple principles - he was humble; he honored his parents, both Mary his mother, God his Eternal Father, and Joseph, the mortal man who raised him as his own; he loved his friends and his enemies; he was his brother's keeper; he was kind; he put people first; he stood up for his principles and the gospel; he loved God.

Christ was a man, a mortal man, who loved God, the Gospel, and his fellow man with all his heart, might, mind and strength. He loved and valued other's lives and souls to the point of sacrificing his own. I learned that when we try to reach perfection by modeling our lives after the Savior we don't raise the dead, heal the sick, walk on water, or die on a cross - We walk in humility and learn from our mistakes. We are tempted and tried but are strengthened by the Lord and consciously and consistently choose not to give in. We honor our parents. We are our brother's keeper. We love our friends and our enemies. We forgive everyone, everything, every time. We put people first. We love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength, and want nothing more than to see those around us feel that love and have the same desire to grow with us.

I am far from perfect and need improvement in many areas of my life but I've decided I want to try and model this next year - and every year after - on the life of my Savior. I want to become more thoughtful, mindful, and diligent in improving my relationship with God, and with those around me. I want to have purpose - in making people feel loved and valued. I want to learn, and hopefully be useful in the learning of others.

So, now we get to the part where you can help me. (See, I told you you'd have to participate.) My blog has taken on many different roles and tones the last two years. It has been a photo journal, sharing images of trips to Haiti and other various episodes in my life; it has been a spiritual journal, sharing various aspects of the gospel and spiritual lessons I have learned; and it has been a personal journal, documenting moments of growth and change in my life. It has been both a prominent and a forgotten tool in my life, varying in content and frequency.

I would like to be a better blogger, a writer who is interesting a makes a difference, and I need your feedback to do so. What is it that you have liked about this blog? What interests you? What kinds of posts do you most enjoy (photos, quotes, spiritual, personal, or a combination)? How frequently do you check and read this blog? Would you like smaller posts more often, or longer posts more spread out? How can I improve my posts/writing? What can I do to make this seemingly impersonal electronic page meaningful and useful to you? (If you don't want to leave a public comment you can email me at jannalwilkinson@gmail.com)

I know it's been a while, so you don't have to answer right away, but look over past posts, think about it, and let me know what you think. The quality and value of my future blog posts is dependent on your feedback If I don't get many responses I may decide that it's not all that important, and choose to focus my energy elsewhere. (Hah ...my weak attempt at soliciting comments through intimidation - did I sound threatening enough?) Anyway, I look forward to your feedback - it's greatly appreciated. I'll start posting the short and sweet photo pages I've got cued up in the meantime. I hope you enjoy them!!!!

P.S. I just noticed that I had 47 posts in 2009 beginning in May - and I only have 17 for the entire year of 2010! I also haven't posted since October... I've got some serious catching up/improving to do...

My Soul Doth Hunger

2010-10-20T22:03:00.009-04:00

And my soul hungered;

and I kneeled down before my Maker,

and I cried unto him in mighty prayer

and supplication for mine own soul;

and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea,

and when the night came I did still raise my voice high

that it reached the heavens.

Enos 1:4

For the last 18 months I have been participating in a nutritional study at Tufts University's Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging. It's a two year study focusing on the effects of slight improvements in diet and nutrition on various aspects of health and aging in individuals with relatively healthy BMIs. My 18 month mark was this month.

Over the last year and half I have had the opportunity to learn about the effects of diet and nutrition from numerous doctors, specialists, researchers, dietitians, nutritionists, physical therapists, and personal counselors. I have gained a wealth of general and personal knowledge on metabolism, digestion, weight maintenance, vitamins, nutrients, supplements, and food sources, as well as the effect that sleep, schedules, hormones, and mental wellbeing can have on dietary health.

The knowledge I have gained has been very useful to me in many ways, including helping me to get my body to a healthier BMI. The process of gaining this knowledge has definitely been a blessing, but it has not always been easy, and occasionally has felt much like a curse.

"Knowledge is power."

Sir Francis Bacon said.

But, as Albert Einstein so keenly perceived

"Information is not knowledge."

You would think, logically, that the wealth of facts and information I was gathering would make maintaining a healthy diet easier. But, we humans are complicated, and our factual minds are counterbalanced with often illogical and emotional hearts. The in-depth details and information, instead of making decisions easier, made them more complicated. I would eat certain things even though I knew I shouldn't, often simply because I shouldn't. Food, instead of simply being 'food', became a symbolic emotional power struggle for me, at one brief time almost developing into an eating disorder.

I was lucky enough to have the support I needed both mentally and spiritually to be able to step back and normalize what was quickly becoming a destructive pattern, surprisingly from something intended to be helpful and good. So, what was is that transformed this good and righteous pursuit into something so difficult and self-destructive? Why was it that in my seeking of health and happiness I began to find only guilt and self-loathing?

And the spirit and the body are the soul of man.
D&C 88:15

We are dual creatures, made up of a sacred yet carnal vessel housing a celestial and eternal spirit. I've often questioned and struggled with the concept of the 'natural man' and his role in our mortal journey. How can our bodies - one of the greatest gifts we receive from God - also be an 'enemy to God'?

And now...all men are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state...
they are without God in the world, and they have gone contrary to the nature of God;
therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness.
And now behold, is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state
and place it in an unnatural state, or to place it in a state opposite to it's nature?

Alma 41 11:12

I love rhetorical questions. :) The definition of restoration - and the purpose of the Atonement - according to dictionary terms is to "return something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition." So what is the 'nature' of God and of happiness? What former natural state will we be restored to?

For I, the Lord God, created all things, of which I have spoken, spiritually, before they were naturally upon the face of the earth.
And I, the Lord God, had created all the children of men; and not yet a man to till the ground;
for in heaven created I them; and there was not yet flesh upon the earth...

Moses 3:5

As Stephen R. Covey stated "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey." We are first and foremost beings of a spiritual nature: faithful, charitable, merciful, kind, knowledgeable, patient, loving, humble, and hopeful. We are celestial beings blessed with the gift of a mortal trial, the opportunity to enhance the essence of our spirits with a body of flesh and blood, to develop and merge into 'living souls'.

First spiritual, secondly temporal, which is the beginning of my work;
and again, first temporal, secondly spiritual, which is the last of my work.
D&C 29:32

So, if our original, natural state as created by God is so wonderfully spiritual, who is this enemy the 'natural man'?

There is a natural body, there is a spiritual body.
1 Corinthians 15:44

There are several definitions and meanings of the word 'nature' or 'natural', some of which include:

- the material word

- the elements of the natural world

- the universe, with all it's phenomenon

- the biological functions or the urges to satisfy their requirements

- a primitive, wild condition

- existing in or formed by nature.

- based on the state of things in nature

- in a state of nature; uncultivated

- growing spontaneously

- unenlightened or unregenerate

- born such

- not treated

- an idiot (yes, it's a noun)

Alma clarifies what he meant by natural state - a 'carnal' state contrary to the spiritual state of god. God is subject to the laws of the universe, and our bodies were born from elements of nature. The process of creation, evolution, and survival through the ages has created unique 'carnal' urges, needs, responses and and processes within our bodies. Our physical beings are greatly effected and driven by genetics, hormones, chemicals, seasons, temperatures, sights, smells, and sounds - including such things as the urge to 'spread our seed', the tendency to 'bulk up' or eat nutritionally denser foods in winter, and the 'survival instinct.'

For the natural man is an enemy to God,

and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever,

unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and putteth off the natural man

and becometh a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord.

Mosiah 3:9

In an age when science helps us to learn so much about the biology, chemistry, and genetics of our physical bodies it is easy to justify carnal behaviors such as infidelity, eating disorders, and addictions. I'm not saying that our bodies are evil or worthless, quite the opposite. They are amazing tools that can enhance the experiences and existence of our spirits in ways we can only yet imagine, but they are unrefined and imperfect - like a raw clay that must be handled, kneaded, molded, and shaped before becoming the beautiful and artistic vessel it is meant to be. I believe that is one of the reasons why it would have been so bad for Adam and Eve to partake of the Tree of Life and become immortal so soon after partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge - they had not yet learned to master their new bodies.

It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

1 Corinthians 15:44

The point of this life is not to reject our 'natural' bodies, but to embrace them wholeheartedly - to fill them with our spirit and mold them into our celestial souls. As with my experience with the study, no one wakes up planning to become a slave to the natural man or his urges. But the process of refining a soul is a difficult one, and one which Satan will do all within his power to keep us from completing. We are often too hard on ourselves. It is never easy, but always worth it. Never give up. Begin again. Start anew. Love yourself - body and spirit. Hold another soul in your arms. Feed your spiritual hunger. Embrace your beautiful, eternal, natural self.

And he said unto them:
He that eateth of this bread
eateth of my body to his soul;
and he that drinketh of this wine
drinketh of my blood to his soul;
and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst,
but shall be filled.
3 Nephi 20:8

Where Your White City Shines

2010-09-16T04:21:00.001-04:00

Hello all! I'm back in the electronic world again. The weather in Boston has, so lamentably, taken a turn for the cooler and we've gone straight from t-shirts to warm sweaters and jackets - no long sleeve t's or cardigan weather in between. But - good news - that does mean , in combination with other factors, that I will have more indoor time for writing posts. :) Sad news - that also means that the summer sunlight is fading and beautiful outdoor sunlit days are getting shorter (sunrise/sunset are decreasing by a minute each every day - a much to rapid pace if you ask me).

I love natural light. I just finished my first series of Arabic classes today and one of the many new words I learned - and one of the few I always remember - is noor. It means 'light'. (I wish I could figure out how to type it in Arabic calligraphy here for you - it's a beautiful language both vocally and visually.)

Anyway, I'm working on another post right now, but a friend of mine just shared this video (she's in it) and I thought I would share it with all of you. Unfortunately, she only posted it on facebook instead of YouTube or some other publicly accessible website, so I can only share the link and you'll have to have a FB account and log in in order to view it. It was made by a friend of hers and is composed entirely of still photographs - roughly 800. It's beautiful. (listen to the lyrics too...) And it's about light.

Towards the Light Music Video

Things as They Really Are

2010-08-18T22:58:00.323-04:00

Our spirit and our body are combined in such a way
that our body becomes an instrument of our mind and the foundation of our character.

-Boyd K.Packer

"The Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not.
Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are,
and of things as they really will be;
wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly,
for the salvation of our souls."
Jacob 4:13

I have been working on multiple posts for several weeks, but have not yet posted them. Not because I don't know what to write - in fact, it's quite the opposite in that I often feel like I have too much to write - but because I haven't been able to make myself sit down at my computer long enough to finish one. I admit, I have a love/hate relationship with my computer, and my cell phone, and my alarm clock.....

It's somewhat ironic, as this post is related to and a result of the post I am currently working on, the topic of which has led me make an effort to spend less time at my computer, but is something I earnestly wish to share. Don't worry, I will get there and will hopefully have it edited and up to par by next week.

So, what is it that has caused me to neglect my blog so soon after making a commitment to post more often? It will become more apparent with my next post, but you can read these two articles now to more fully understand.

The first article -Things as They Really Are - is a talk by Elder David A. Bednar that I read in the Ensign several months ago. It really resonated with me and makes a strong statement about the need for balance between the benefits and detriments of modern communication technologies:

We live at a time when technology can be used to replicate reality, to augment reality, and to create virtual reality....I raise an apostolic voice of warning about the potentially stifling, suffocating, suppressing, and constraining impact of some kinds of cyberspace interactions and experiences upon our souls. The concerns I raise are not new; they apply equally to other types of media, such as television, movies, and music.

Please be careful of becoming so immersed and engrossed in pixels, texting, earbuds, twittering, online social networking, and potentially addictive uses of media and the Internet that you fail to recognize the importance of your physical body and miss the richness of person-to-person communication. Beware of digital displays and data in many forms of computer-mediated interaction that can displace the full range of physical capacity and experience....Progressively, seemingly innocent entertainment can become a form of pernicious enslavement.

To feel the warmth of a tender hug from an eternal companion or to see the sincerity in the eyes of another person as testimony is shared—all of these things experienced as they really are through the instrument of our physical body—could be sacrificed for a high-fidelity fantasy that has no lasting value. If you and I are not vigilant, we can become “past feeling”...

I am not suggesting all technology is inherently bad; it is not. Nor am I saying we should not use its many capabilities in appropriate ways to learn, to communicate, to lift and brighten lives, and to build and strengthen the Church; of course we should. But I am raising a warning voice that we should not squander and damage authentic relationships by obsessing over contrived ones.

Let me say again: neither technology nor rapid change in or of itself is good or evil; the real challenge is to understand both within the context of the eternal plan of happiness.

The second article - Reconnect Your Brain - is one that was shared by a friend today (online no less) and got me reminiscing about my time in Haiti and longing for a 'technology free' vacation from the world. I have to say, that while cell phones and email have so many wonderful benefits, I often miss the days when I wasn't expected to be available and connected all the time.

I've often thought about the possibility of cutting out certain technologies from my daily life - but realize that removing myself from the progression of the world is not the most beneficial or realistic option. It's not about rejecting or avoiding technologies, but prioritizing and managing the precedence they take in my life.

Elder Bednar offered two questions for consideration when making decisions about technology use:

1. Does the use of various technologies and media invite or impede the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in your life?

2. Does the time you spend using various technologies and media enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?

So, never fear - my reasons for not posting lately (and so soon after making a promise to post more often) have nothing to do with becoming 'stagnant' again. I just, quite simply, am spending more time outside enjoying the wonderful summer weather - unplugged from electrical outlets and connecting with other people in a more 'natural' way. And don't worry, I'll still be working on creating interesting and meaningful posts...they just may be a little more spread out while the rare and all too short New England summer sun is shining.

Speaking of enjoying, connecting, and reminiscing, here are a few of my favorite experiences of past 'natural life connections' made possible to capture and share with you through modern technology. :)

Random outbursts of silliness and joy...

...memories of Haiti...

...adventures with family and friends...

...and happy moments shared with loved ones.

Now - go outside, enjoy what's left of summer, hug someone, laugh a lot, and ignore the urge to plug in and check my blog for at least a week. :)